Here comes another year

Another Xmas come and gone.

This year was obviously very hard. We still had a nice time but it's horrible knowing our bambi should be here and isn't. Both Lee and I got spoiled. We still have Xmas with my dad to go yet as he is on the rigs so that's something to look forward to this weekend.

I had a break from the charity last week so will be back onto my boxes in the next few days. The first batch went off to London which was awesome. I hope the parents love them!

I have mixed feelings about 2012. I don't want it to come as Ellie doesn't exist in that year, except as a memory. It's one step further from her. At the same time, we need a new year with new things to look forward to. Let's hope the only way is up.

I have to have my sigmoidoscopy January 16th. Really scared of having bowel cancer but I more than likely don't I know. Anxiety has been a little worse lately. Fingers crossed that disappears soon!

It's beginning to look a lot like xmas

It's been a while since I updated. Been, as per, very busy but happy.

First of all, we moved house and now live in Cambois. While nothingis ever perfect, I have never slept as well as I do here since Ellie went to play on the stars and I think that probably has a big impact. Granted, I'm still tired often but not so much. It's a lovely flat and I can't wait to get a Xmas tree for it!

The charity is going well. Our first lot of boxes are virtually done and ready to send. I am going to use different boxes for future deliveries but it's a good start. 4Louis have been a massive help and they are fast becoming good friends.

The bad news is that we are no further forward with genetics, who have no results and need more DNA but can't seem to be bothered to let us know what is going on. I am going to keep ringing until I find out.

Working at boots for a month has been alright, the job is actually OK mostly and the people are really nice. I think it has helped me a lot. I seem to have a lot less anxiety right now and my tablets have been taken down to 10mg which is a big step. I'm coping fairly well right now apart from having little time and being tired.

I'm quite excited for Xmas, mostly because I am spoiling Lee and the rest of my family. Happy times with discount at boots. It is also hard though. It is coming up to the time we found out about Ellie's disease and her first birthday is just around the corner. I miss her so much it hurts, though I try and repress those feelings most days. Not because I don't want to miss her or care, I just don't want to break down in front of people. I am getting her a Tinkerbell snow globe for Xmas. A fairy for my fairy.

Ellie, I love you so much, more every day. I hope you know x

Magic moments

My life is so busy right now. It's like it used to be and I love it. So much to aim for.

Had a really moving moment today. Yesterday, I went into Bedlington's answer to Starbucks, Root Bean (it is lush in there) and asked them about having one of their acoustic and tapas nights for charity. I was the manager I spoke to, explained what we were about and about Ellie. She told me a family member (her niece I think) is seriously ill with a very rare kidney disease. I asked if she would like one of our boxes and she said yes. So I took it in today. The paediatric boxes need changing a bit but I took her a box with craft kits and colouring things, the scrap book, a snow globe etc. This woman asked if she could hug me. I didn't realise we could have such an effect on people. I want people in their situation to know there is always someone thinking of them and that we just want to see them smile, if only for a minute or two. I felt amazing and it made my day that I could help in some small way.

In other news, my grade 6 piano is on the 17th. I am actually nearly ready....ish. My pieces are getting there, so gonna do a lot more tomorrow.

I have my induction at Boots on Friday too. Hope it's gonna be ok working there. Should pass quickly with it being Xmas nearly, and at the metro centre.

My anxiety is slowly getting better. It's there but not so much. Hope it continues to get better!

Take the bad with the good..bye bye angel baby

A special baby left today. A baby of my friend no less, someone I grew up with, who I have known since I was tiny. How can this happen to two of us in the same year? It's not right, it's not fair. I want to take their pain away but I can't and I want to say it gets easier, which in some ways it does but also doesn't. The pain never goes away, you just learn how to ignore it for a while.

The friend in question is now a trustee of 4Ellie-phant. I hope it gives her the same peace it gives to me. We have one hospital on board, a meeting tomorrow and a meeting in November, both for local places (well, one isn't so local but Cleveland is still North-east). The hospital we are supplying is in London so off I go to London in January! I'm also trying to cram in the fundraisers to build up our bank account but today, I might take it easy. Feeling sad.

Fly high, little baby, and say hi to Ellie x

Exciting news keeps coming

Given that it's 1am, I should be asleep but been busy working on demo boxes for 4Ellie-Phant to take to 4Louis tomorrow. I really hope they like them, I've worked really hard!

I have a meeting next week with a potential recipient for our boxes which is mega exciting. We have a few events coming up and also, the evening Chronicle is going to do a story on us. It's all too exciting! Another hospital would like to see one of our boxes so we have a lot of potential going for us already. Our website is now up and running at http://www.4ellie-phant.webs.com/ so please take a look and write in our guestbook.

In other news my honeymoon was great but more on that tomorrow. I am knackered!

4Ellie-phant

Wow, setting my own charity. I have watched people do it and said, I wish I could do something like that and now here I am!

4Louis provides beautiful keepsake boxes to bereaved parents like ourselves and 4babybell does the miscarriage boxes. These are really special and I love ours (if you know what I mean, obviously i would rather not be bereaved!). 4Ellie-phant aims to provide parents of babies inNICU and long term hospitalised/chronically ill kids with keepsake boxes with things to help them make memories and have fun during a scary time. Hospitals can also be boring places so the scrapbooks will be good. The baby scrap books are like those ones you get from mother care where you write in all the info, stick photos, handprints etc, but ours are handmade, cute and you can add to then. The kids scrap books follow the same premise but obviously have a different layout. I'll out pictures up when I am finished with the demo boxes.

If anybody would like to help out in anyway, big or small please get in touch.

Off to Turkey next week for honeymoon, wahey!

Tough mudder!

I am obsessed with this event because quite simply, it is going to kill my friends and I.

Basically, tough mudder is a 12 mile run. So imagine doing the great north run less a mile. Then imagine doing it while running through fire, jumping hay bales, being head to toe in mud, climbing Walls, etc (it's all pretty nightmare). This is something that just needs to be done so we have 4 on our team already for the Ellie-phant group next July in Edinburgh. Now I know Lee is brooch but I might actually have to wait til after July so I can do this and it's a knockout because no way am I missing out on two fabulous massive events for my girl.

Got two job interviews too, woot!

Oh and I'm doing a 3 mile run in January in Edinburgh. Did one run and my back is killing which I presume is epidural related but what the hey, back to zumba tomorrow when I can actually walk. Ellie couldn't breathe and I can so it's all for her!

Momentum

Thins have started to calm down lately but there is still loads going on and I am trying to keep momentum.

I did go to Teardrop group this month, very nearly had a breakdown but maybe it's what I needed. Sometimes, life gets so busy, Ellie becomes almost like a dream. Except she wasn't. The hardest part is nothing of her exist anymore, just her memory, which isn't enough. Will never be enough. It's not fair.

However, I don't want to get sucked into bitterness, I want to make a difference. So, our next event is planned for Lee's birthday in November, a 50's and 60's sock hop, Grease-style. It should be a good laugh. I am also doing a 3 mile run in Edinburgh in January (dun dun dun, couldn't even chase the ice cream van so jeebus help me!). My sister did well on her run so I suppose I should give it ago despite being the female Homer Simpson (I'd rather wear a nappy than go potty lol).

Two weeks tomorrow til honeymoon too, wahey! I can't wait. I am in the middle of my Ann Summers promotion fast track training so it's all go really.

We are hoping to move at the end of October and I can't wait. I've been picking out colours and themes.

Let's hope life continues to go smoothly!

The come down

As always, all fab things must come to an end and the wedding high is certainly one of them. However, we do have the honeymoon to look forward to!

We are booked up to go to Alanya (well, Konakli which is very close) in the Antalya region of Turkey and is hotter than Marmaris, woo! We are planning to go to the water park there and to some of the sights, do a bit shopping, but mostly lie by the pool, do some swimming and use the hotel spa a lot! I've also been scouting out prices for later this year for the xmas markets and it looks really cheap to go to Prague, so that may be a possibility. Get some travelling under our belts before bambi no 2!

Of course, after the fun comes responsibility and we have started talking money and savings and grown up stuff. We are even going to have a joint bank account. Makes no odds because I spend all Lee's money anyway haha!

I've been for a chakra massage today in Bedlington which was amazing. I felt like I was floating away, never been so relaxed in ages!

Got a photographer coming tomorrow for Pride of Northumberland awards too. Its all go!

Mrs mrs mrs!

Aim officially mrs Lee Forrest. I never thought I'd see the day, since I really didn't think I was the marrying kind.

Evyn, aimee and I stopped at jessica's the night before. Aimee and Charlotte were no bother, just played on their games all night and we watched celeb juice and sorted our nails. I was up a height all day so it was good to chill out. We got up at 7 the next morning though I was awake at 5 and Zak and Kyle piled into our bed, lol. I could eat them up they are so cute. Jess ran us to my dad and sam's house to sort our hair.

My bros were up from Manchester which was fantastic. We had a couple of glasses of wine in the morning. My false nails were so long I couldn't even do my bra up and pull my pants down for the loo haha. The hair was beautiful though, we all had gypsophilia in it which really set it off. We then went to our mums house to sort our make up etc. I wasn't really nervous or anything at this point and in fact was more concerned with who I would marry if i was gay haha. It got to half one, and we all put our dresses on (some of us with the help of jess and Evyn who kept using my underskirt as an excuse to touch me up!). Getting into the car I had my first disaster as I brushed against Colin's car and got polish on my dress. Wet wipes fixed it though so off we went. I was starting to feel pretty sick at this point.

When we got there, Lee had told me he was inside but had lied lol so me and the girls hid round the corner while Anthony Hall, our outstanding photographer, took some snaps. We then went in and got to chat a little bit to friends which was lovely as I haven't seen some for a while. We went upstairs and I did my formalities and then it was all ago! Poor Lee was shaking terribly but he apparently smiled from the minute I entered til the end which is good because I wanted to look sensational for him! We had a few laughs through the ceremony, said our vows and then we were married so I got to smooch his gorgeous face, lol. We went round speaking to people, which is one of my favourite bits because all our favourite people were there, minus a few who couldn't get due to various circumstances.

We had a lot of photos done down at Carlisle park round the corner. Put it this way, I could not be a model! Lee was gagging for a pint and my back hurt but I know the photos are going to be so worth it. We headed back to Charltons for the meal that my amazing great-aunt and uncle/godparents paid for with an open bar no less. The food and service was great and the staff at charlton's treat us so well, as usual as well as sorting the room upstairs for us while we were busy. We got to see our wedding cake for the first time which was lovely, my Aunty caron (as well as kev, Ann and Terry ;)) did a cracking job, especially after a cake disaster the night before. What we really loved was how well the whole family got on. I really believe it is Ellie that has shaped our family dynamics and made us realise life is too short.

To finish off, the night time was amazing. Wedding receptions are normally filled with people you have to invite and don't often talk to, etc but everyone that was at ours, we really love having in our lives and it was no obligation talking to any of them. There were a few that were missed but we had seen them during the day or spoken to them. We didn't get to sit very much but I enjoyed every minute. Everybody was bowled over but my gorgeous 14 month old cousin, Caitlin. I have never seen a baby bust a move like her, it was hilarious. Ciji had some fantastic moves when she was mortal, she didn't need people to dance with haha. Denise was having a great night with my bro from derbyshire, mike, my dad kept molesting Lee throughout the day, I've been told and did bust a move (or try to haha). Colin did his lasso dance too lmao while Evyn and I did a fantastic Will from the inbetweeners dance. We got to see a lot of friends and family that we don't see often but when it counts they are always there for us which we hope they realise we always notice and talk about how amazing they really are. By halfway through the night I was merrily mortal and tore up the dance floor lol. Our first dance was one of Ellie's songs, Bruno Mars 'just the way you are' but we also had 'when you say nothing at all' by ronan keating at the end of the night (we are greedy, we get two songs plus our wedding soundtrack haha). I loved that my friends Brian and Hilda came, even though they don't drink, my friends becky Lewis and Rachael, who I haven't seen for ages, all the people from cambois, the golf club, Blyth, Manchester, America(!), Oxford, Bedlington, etc. Even more overwhelming was peoples generosity. We received a few gorgeous gifts (none of which were unwanted and are really lovely), £130 in vouchers and £775 in cash, as well as our honeymoon which our grandparents are taking care of and our meal. Of course there were the few token miserable people but we didn't even care, it was that good.

Lee and I finished the night at a log cabin in Swarland, where we were drunk and exhausted but the beds were single beds so it was very snuggly lol. I won't share our first morning as man and wife though ;)

So here is my oscar speech lol.

Thanks to:

Jessica. I couldn't have done it without her, she has done so much for us since Ellie and is so unselfish. I wore her tiara, Evyn wore her shoes, she put us up overnight, did all my sweets, picked up our flowers, helped me with my dress, hooked me up with a photographer and a million other things. She is fantastic in every way and looked gorgeous to boot.

Our parents, for forking out a fortune helping us with the wedding then still giving us gift money the stupid buggers, not to mention giving us lifts, doing hair, sorting taxis, etc. They are as always fantastic support, as stressful as they can be sometimes lol.

My lovely bridesmaids for being gorgeous and brilliant representatives all day long.

Martin and Ciji for being best man and trailing their asses here from America.

My fantastic Aunty Ann and uncle Terry for the wonderful meal and open bar.

My Aunty caron and kev for the beautiful cake.

Our grandparents who always unselfishly give us money for no reason, who helped pay for the wedding and then have still offered to pay for our honeymoon.

Our friends at charlton's who helped make our wedding sensational.

Anthony hall for taking fabulous photos.

Our never failing to be there friends and family, for taking time our of their lives which they will never get back to witness our wedding, and come to our party and then still being stupidly generous with gifts etc. They all looked fab.

Most of all to Ellie and Lee. We are now a proper family with the same name and whenni was gutted in the morning because it started to rain, she got rid of it. We played loads of her songs so she knew we were thinking of her all day long. I want her to know how much I truly love her daddy (though he isn't as gorgeous as you bambi) and how much he loves me and we are better people for having known her.

I am on cloud 9 and I felt like a princess so thank you universe for giving me my day.

5 days

OMG! Cannot believe in 5 days I will be mrs Forrest. Bit scary to say the least!

I think nearly everything is sorted, although we still haven't had a phone call from argos about our wedding rings yet but I will be onto that by Tuesday. Need to buy some makeup and things as well plus earrings but all the big things are sorted.

On the flip side, our friend has let us down with our place to live apparently. Awesome. We spent our deposit for the other place on wedding things thinking we were alright but now it means we can't go on our honeymoon. I wasn't expecting to in the first place but after that I got my hopes up and now I am really disappointed. I know we can wait til later but I was thinking I was going on holiday in 4 weeks.

Hen night tonight. Probably just gonna stay in cambois but will be a laugh no doubt.

Pain

I am so not well! First came the UTI which the anti-biotics has nearly cleared but I had to get more so I got rid of the back pain until today when my late monthly friend showed up so I could hardly walk. Spent most the day with a hot water bottle strapped to me. Now I have painful guts, probably from the anti biotics. However, this is minimal compared to PKD patients so I shouldn't complain.

16 days! We picked out our wedding music today. I'm really happy with it as it isn't 'overdone'. There is no Bryan Adams, savage garden, westlife, ronan keating, etc! Our guests will come in to 'Always a woman to me' by Billy Joel. My bridesmaids and I enter to Peter Gabriel 'The Book of Love', the middle bit where we sign the register is Bruno mars 'count on me', rascal flatts 'My wish' then Bruno mars 'marry you ' and we leave to 'love story' by Taylor Swift. Definitely a mixed bag!

Feeling less anxious tonight. Maybe the run up to my hormonal time plus UTI made me worse. I need to have a think about when to come off the citalopram and also discuss with doctors however horrible it seems, how an abortion would be managed should our next baby be affected.

I had my Ann summers area meeting last night and won every prize going! I did really well in July. Not so well this month but I have a few parties coming up so we'll see. Ooh and it's zumba tomorrow!

Mixed bag

Everything is uppy-downy at the minute.

We were giving up our honeymoon to get a new snuggle house sorted. However, today, a fantastic new deal has come into play. The chance of a place for £400 a month Inc gas, elec and council tax! So we have said yes, more info in a couple of days but this means we can go on honeymoon again. Was hoping for sept but the prices are a bit higher so we have to go second week of oct probably. It's still hot in turkey then, hotter than when we went in April which was lush so that's good news.

We picked our wedding rings today as well, and are nearly sorted with the wedding I think. On the downside, all the stress and a really bad water infection caused my anxiety to flare up really badly. I know Ellie is bringing some luck our way though.

Love you bumpzilla bambi x

Bladdered

Thought I was getting a kidney infection. Actually, after leaving my UTI for two weeks, I probably was but I went to the Northern Doctors today at the Wansbeck and got some anti-biotics. The only problem I'm at a party tonight and can't drink but that's not so bad, I could probably do without it anyway and it will still be a good night.

Been hanging with an old friend lately. It's good to have her back on the scene but the act she has kidney failure is awful. I'm so sick of kidneys. Kidney disease robbed my little girl of a life. Not to mention, everybody is pregnant or has just had babies and I feel like I'm expected to let them ram it down my throat, be happy for them and feel like shit. Of course, I want to come off my citalopram and conceive again but I'm scared to take a life if it comes to it. I don't know if I can take anymore heartbreak this year.

My wedding is less than 3 weeks away now. It seems like two minutes since it was 14 months no it is 20 days, which is some scary shit but it's Lee and for me it's always been Lee since I met him. I knew he would be the one I would marry eventually. Last night when I was fidgeting in pain, all he did was snuggle me all night. He's my big teddy bear! And he gave me my star.

Speaking of stars, was having a bad night the other night when it was 6 months since her birth and looked out the window. There was one star in the sky staring straight at me through the window. She was obviously coming to see me and eventually when I was tired enough to sleep, I closed my eyes, opened them a minute later and the star was gone! Think Ellie-bopper was sitting with me til I could sleep bless her.

Not wasting my time

For weeks I have been defending lee, to people in my family and other people too, who decide to drag everyone into their arguments. Defending the man I love means I am 'me me me'. Because Lee and I wont enter into petty relationship arguments of 3 other people, he gets called for this and that and I defend him and those people are dreading coming to our wedding. Obviously that is me being me me me again.

I love Lee with all my heart, I would die for him. But you know what? It is really not worth it. I don't give a shot about any of it anymore. I should be the most excited girl around for my wedding but they ruin it every time. I've got no fight for defending Lee or myself anymore.

Maybe some people aren't supposed to be happy

6 months

Dear Ellie,

Today you would be 6 months old and it seems like it has taken forever but also 2 seconds to get here. Never a day goes by when we don't think of you and wonder where you are.

I often wonder what you would look like now, what your personality would be like, all of the normal stuff mothers take for granted every day. I already know you would have been defiant and dome things your way, and that you would have had good taste in music! I also know you were brave, like your dad. I wish I was. Everyday I live in fear of every available illness on the planet. I wish I could be more like you.

Last night I spoke to you then opened my eyes and all of a sudden there was one bright star shining through the window. I know you stayed for a while and then disappeared when you eventually knew I was tired enough to fall asleep. Thank you for looking after us. You've brought a lot of new friends into our lives and helped us do a lot of good for other families too. I am ashamed it took you to make us do it but we will do all we can.

I think you are happy where you are. I know you play on the park and eat lots of sweets and are well looked after. I also know you are more comfortable and healthy there than you ever could have been here. You breathe freely, your heart isn't working to hard and your kidneys are little again. I am glad when you look at your piglet toy and Minnie mouse clothes you think of us. Daddy is trying to win me one of those Winnie the pooh toys now!

We love you so much bambi, and we miss you like crazy but it's only for a while. Be good and keep crocodile rockin'!

Love
Mummy x

Simple things

My birthday was quiet. It involved a massage, a meal and shopping til we dropped in the metro centre. I bought a few DVDs, book, stuff from lush products, a charm for my new chamilia bracelet (I have 3 already). I always feel guilty spending my birthday money but I love that my charm bracelet is something I can keep. Chamilia do the disney range, but although they don't do a bambicharm, someone else does so I will be getting one, for my bambi, and will probably get an elephant for her too. I was quite content with a quiet day and finished up at home with a lovely night with the hubby.

Argh, he soon will be my hubby! I really need to get domesticated for him! Still a fair it to do for the wedding but it will get there. It's a month today. We've also found a lovely flat to move too so will look forward to that.

Just need to start planning the Ellie-phant group's next event!

There's a time for us

It's nice just being Lee and me tonight. He isn't very well bless him, so I'm playing nurse, feeding and watering him and giving him love. He's cute when pitiful lol.

Had a couple of Ann summers parties this weekend and worked at the Wharton in Bedlington on sat night so been a busy bee. Managed to get 2 hot leads for recruits, which is good and did well on my sales and banking. I'm doing up an Ann summers hamper for the cambois friendship groups charity day so ordered them as well. It's going to be packed full of goodies!

People are leaving me alone which is good. Peace and quiet!

Never happy

Once again, I get shit because I can't do everything to suit everybody else. In the end, the compromise reached was one I offered but had thrown back in my face. I wasn't even the one being nasty yet I get all the crap til I cry continuously for 3 hours. People aren't happy when I'm happy. I actually don't want anyone at my wedding except the 2 obligatory witnesses because I'm sick of everybody kicking off when things don't suit them. Way to ruin my excitement for my wedding.

So I've decided I'm not visiting with the people who are bringing me down. Every time I get myself happy, people ruin it then go about, happy doing their own thing while I sit and cry in my bed, wondering when the universe will decide I'm allowed to be happy.

Sometimes I wish I'd never been born so I hope they are all happy.

Success

Ellie's night was a massive success. Thanks to all of you who donated and bought raffle tickets, etc. We made £1225.

The night was fab, went smoothly and although I was rushed off my feet, I had a great night. So much so I didn't get home til 4.30am haha!

Of course, today, I am offended because after everything I do for charity and all the work I put into Saturday night, Lee's gran wants me to nominate Lee for a pride of Northumberland award, for everything he's done for tiny lives. I love the guy more than life itself but to be fair, I even had to give him wrong on the night and give him stuff to do. He is my hero but do people seriously look at me and think I'm the one who does nothing?

Catching up on life is not easy but onwards and upwards with Ann summers and this wedding. Then more charity stuff to be planned!

Creeping up

Can believe how close Ellie's night is and my mind is mental, what with wedding planning, event planning and Ann summers party repping but really, I thrive on all this so stressed as I am, it's all good.

We are upto £90 or so in raffle tickets alone before we sell any on the night plus quite a bit in ticket sales with loads more coming on the night, as well as tombola, human bingo and tiny lives charity box money! I would love to hit the £500 target and I think it is totally do-able.

My costume lights up, how cool is that. My queen of hearts didn't fit so I'm going as a ladybird, woot! I have parcels to wrap and all sorts for the kids yet too and vouchers to pick up.

I've actually started exercising too in order to be slimmed down for the wedding. I'm sore today but did it anyway. My awful lady friend has returned to being clockwork and has stopped panicking me now as it has calmed down a lot. Maybe if we get good genetics results we will consider Ellies sibling relatively soon, though that doesn't mean in the next 3 months by any means!

Pride and Prejudice

Why can life just not be simple?

So, another family argument ensues because someone doesn't like my choice of partner as they don't think they are supportive enough, don't think I seem happy with them, blah blah blah. When Ellie just died, who rocked me to sleep every night? Lee. Who sat with me when I was in A and E for various things or at maternity assessment? Lee. Who held my hand when I could feel my surgery? Lee. Who cooks, cleans, makes my lunches, tells me I'm alright when I'm anxious? Lee. And yet, when Lee was doing everything to support me, did people turn up and help him with everything he was dealing with? Not much really. His parents played golf etc, with him granted, but Lee lost his baby too and I think my family overlook that. When he was supporting me, they weren't supporting him so really, they have no right to say anything bad about him. If they don't think he is good enough, that's their problem. He was a bit hurt about the two facedness to be honest but it's not worth it as far as I am concerned. If people aren't happy for us, don't come to the wedding, it really is that simple.

Ellie's night is so close, argh! can't wait!

Getting there

I think I'm starting to get slightly organised....I say slightly!

The wedding: need to get that sorted but I think our daytime list is done so that's good! I also need to order my bridesmaids dresses. I might do that now!

Anne Summers, getting a fair few parties, which is quite fun. Hopefully it will pick up. I made the most sales in our team this week again, apart from my boss. woot! Got a party down at Cambois tomorrow which should be a good 'un!

Bailed on my piano exam this time. I just wasn't ready but I will be for winter, and maybe for flute too hopefully. It sounds stupid but I'm doing a bar and a scale per night on my pieces and 4 bars on flute plus technical exercises. I really want to be good so I need to work on small parts all the time, I work better that way. I'm also thinking about hosting a concert later in the year, for Tiny Lives. Can't believe I didn't think of that earlier.

Ellie's night isn't far away and I am SO excited.

Ellie, I miss you loads, I hope you never think you are forgotten. You are always making me try for better
things, chubnut x

Tick tock

goes the clock and I have so much to do all the time!

We had our genetic counselling yesterday and the crux of it was even if they can't find the gene, they can probably offer us the CVS which is pretty fantastic news if they can do that. It takes approx. 3 months for the results to come back from Cardiff.

Work is going ok, it isn't the most exciting job but I really like the people. The Ann Summers gig is a lot of fun too and there are so many incentives to keep you going! I have a party tomorrow night and one in Cambois on Tuesday. The one in Cambois will be a scream as the lasses down there are a good laugh.

It was Lee's first father's day Sunday past and I spoiled him! So did Ellie with her little trick. Lee always puts her name on the domino card at the golf club and never wins. Except father's day, when he won a four ball game at Bedlington Golf Club. It was Ellie's present to him, I am sure of it and so is he.

The wedding is getting closer all the time. It's crazy, I find myself looking at other guys (not fancying them or anything) and thinking am I really going to spend my life with Lee? It is a big commitment but I know I'm doing the right thing because I also find myself sitting at work and I can't concentrate because all I can think about is him. We are two and a half years into our relationship and still in a honeymoon period for the majority of the time. He is so lush.

The planning for Ellie's night is going well, managed to blag some great raffle goodies from various local shops and businesses!

Sense and Sensibility

Life, as always, is so busy. This helps the anxiety, not so much the energy!

I went to a charity ball on Thursday night for the Princess Ellie Trust and Wansbeck SCBU, it was very formal and a great night. There was a slide show of Ellie (not my Ellie) and her short 2 year life. Well, I very nearly had a nervous breakdown! At least I eventually got to meet Ellie's mum, Rachel, and Bailey's mum, Julie, who have been only too helpful with charity stuff. I've cried a fair bit for Ellie this week, I miss her so much, but helping others gets me through.

I do need to be sensible though. I want to be a biomed scientist, this is true. However, doing three subjects of two years work in one year, I can't do it. Yes, if I don't work, but that isn't an option.  I'm working 9-5 during the day and now, I'm trying to kick off my Ann Summers career, which has a lot of potential. This is all around my piano and other musical bits. Even A Level students don't do 3 subjects in one year and especially not with 2 of the hardest subjects.

I feel like a failure, like I should be able to do it all in one year and like, what's in between for me for the next 2 years but I guess there could be a baby at some point, lots of fun working for Ann Summers, my job, holidays, charity nights and still my A Levels.....just not all crammed in so much I fail.

Sigh....I always feel like I make the wrong decisions in life.

Rough

Alcohol is the devil! Lee and I had far too much last night and were rough today! The only problem is you get nothing done and it's a total waste of the weekend.

Went to charlton's for dinner with Evyn and our new little mate, Charlotte. It was nice but I was a bit put off by my beef because there was bits with tubes on which I'd like to bt were arteries. Disgusting. Apparently people from Cambois are already asking for tickets for Ellie's night which is amazing. Apparently John charlton is away that week but I didn't want to change the date again. I'll never be able to decide on a costume! I still think me and Evyn should go as wills and Kate lol.

I have SO much to do this week. I'm going to cry lol!

Who needs sleep?

It will prepare me for Ellie's sibling haha!

Did quite well on my first week at work but it is tiring, in the lethargic sense sitting at a desk all day. Then I come home, practice piano and cram in what I can. I've also signed up to be an Ann Summers party rep which I actually think will be quite fun.

We are also having the Ellie Forrest memorial night, woohoo! It's in Cambois at Charlton's pub, a really great pub with good prices! It's fancy dress too so I'm planning for July 16th already!

Day 1

First day of work went pretty well. Made about £500 in sales in two hours yay me. The morning was slow because I was just listening in on calls but when you get given a huge list to go through, you have loads to do so its OK. There's always room for improvement but I'm quite proud of how I did today.

Going to an Ann Summers tonight and have to cram in Piano and mine and Lee's dinner before then. Gonna have to open a can of kickass on my Chem and German this weekend, as well as having a piano lesson.

It was a big step today. I'm tired and I like being on maternity leave but I haven't got a baby to look after. I miss her so much it kills but maybe this job will help the anxiety as well.

8 days a week

I really do need 8 days a week!

Got offered a trial period of 6 months in a telesales job which seemed ok. I start tomorrow and I know that will be a bit boring as it is mostly listening in on calls and things but training starts the day after that, on Thursday. It's good because the job seems fine, lots of talking on the phone to customers obviously and computer work, obviously for ordering and stuff. That and we need the money. I'm just not sure if I'm going to get time to sleep what with everything else that I've got going.

My piano exam is less than two weeks away unless Claire can get me moved to Morpeth (I've decided to take it as I will be doing the exam on the 14th). I am not ready. Nearly there but hoping I can be sorted by 14th. Not even needing a Merit, a pass would do after everything I've been through, although the perfectionist in me will die inside a bit. I can't worry about that right now.

When am I going to fit my study in??!! ARGH!

Overwhelmed

So much going on. Just places to go and things and I really hate it when it is in the middle of the day because it makes it hard to settle into doing anything in the morning and afternoon!

My Uncle Tony died this week. They say it comes in threes, and so it has been my nana, then Ellie then uncle Tony. I couldn't get to my nana's funeral because I was in my tumultous pregnancy period so I'm hoping to make it to Manchester this time but I will have to see. It is really dependant on what happens with this job trial on Tuesday.

The date came for my piano exam too. June 14th , oh my! Not ready yet! I will never plan to go to Newcastle for a piano exam again as the Morpeth dates are later. Hoping Claire can get me moved to Morpeth or praying for a miracle.

The anxiety has lifted a little bit for the past couple of days to cut me some slack at least.

I always ask Lee to tickle my back and I was half asleep the other day and felt him doing it. Except it wasn't him. I think Ellie came to snuggle.

Change in the directing of the wind?

I have a job interview for an automotive sales company in a town near me on Thursday. I rang yesterday and then had a missed call so they rang back today. I am really hoping this could work as it is full time with comission (a-woot!). The guy on the phone sounded really nice and it's a local company so it sounds really good. Not a lot of people's kind of thing but I want a job where I can make some new friends, work hard and have a bit of stability.

I did some exercise this morning! Only 10 minutes but I have to start somewhere. I am trying to improve my mental health and get fit and slim down for the wedding/honeymoon. The headaches that were bothering me, I notice, improve in various positions and keep moving about my head so thinking they could be muscular, tension related too. I'm trying to rationalise things rather than lying in a depression. I dunno how long it will work for but I'm trying.

Got loads to do today, study wise etc too but I am super motivated!

Love you Ellie x

Sore thumb

This is what happens when you don't hold your pen properly and make chem notes all day! Just been looking at past papers of unit 1....fairly do-able! Pretty sure if I'm making notes and not concentrating but still picking things up, I can get at least a B. This module is only foundation Chem so one would hope. Takes ages to do my notes because with Science, I need to write them for all the superscript numbers, diagrams, formulas, etc. At least for Psycho, I can type them! The chapter I am onto at the moment is all formulas and stuff which I quite like. What a nerd but that is a good thing!

I haven't been as tired as usual today either, maybe because I haven't been sat in front of the computer like normal. Much easier to focus on a book!

I really wish I had my baby and no time to study :(

Work, work, work, and an RVI letter

Taking a break after several hours spent on German. Got piano and Chem to go next. I'm focusing on unit one chem til all my notes are done, then will do bio then psycho. Step by step. It seems like a lot to be doing but I'm sure its worth it.

Just got a letter from the RVI, saying if they can find PKHD1 gene mutation on Ellie, we can have the CVS, woot. It would be such a weight off knowing that although terminating is a horrible option, a still birth is so much worse. SO much worse. I won't be attached to that baby at 13 weeks though I will struggle with stopping a heartbeat should the baby have ARPKD. We are waiting for a letter with an appointment to go to the centre for life. It's scary because it's our life but will be interesting to see what a genetic counsellor does.

Back to work, argh!

Motivation

I really need to lose weight before my wedding. And I need to make the invitation list!

However, at least I have been motivated workwise. I have been catching up on my open uni German work, doing half a theme a day so really, I'm doing a fair bit of work on it. I want to submit my 2 late TMAs next week (I had extra time for obvious reasons) then get the others done early so I can really crack on with the Chem, psycho, and bio. I'm still only making notes on the first part of unit 1 of chem but I am actually getting it! Me, with the D at GCSE chem!!! I know its going to get a lot harder so getting the basics is a triumph for me. My lovely friend, Gem, have me one of her old books as well which has loads of questions in to test yourself so in addition to my past papers, it will help me because the more practice, the better you get!

This is also true of piano. I never realised how much I memorise the music which is actually much better for me because I often get lost reading the music. Bizarrely, I can't memorise my flute music very much. I may be ready for this exam in time, given that it is still only May and the exam will be in July. One piece is sorted, and the other two, I am still learning but getting there bit by bit. I really need to work on my technical skills before grade 7 which I am fully dedicated to doing. Especially as my aim is to do the exam next March. never let it be said I am not ambitious. Ellie has renewed me with a desire to be the best, something I feel I lost when I left school at 19. I produced the most amazing child with Lee, so I need to live up to her now, to achieve things to make her proud. Everything I do, I can look up at the stars and say, look what mummy did.

We have also talked about the next baby. We often say, sometimes we just feel like going for it. We'd like to see if we'll be offered the CVS test. An ARPKD mum friend of mine is 16 weeks pregnant and being monitored just by scan. The bravery of that astounds me but we may have no other option and I know Prof. Robson says it can be picked up early when they are specifically looking for it.  A big issue for me right now though is also my anxiety. I need to be well and stable before a baby and right now, my fears have flared up again. It could be because I have doubled my dose of citalopram as a minor side-effect or it could be the increased one sided headaches with mild brow bone pain (which could be anxiety or not, who knows). I guess parts of me thinks, yes these fears could be true but to be fair, my first fear was infertility, the pre-eclampsia, c-section death, haemmorrhage, DVTs, tumours, aneurysms, heart failure, MS, etc etc and to date, none have been true. In fact, I'm pretty healthy and I'm probably 1) causing a lot of these symptoms and 2)just hypersensitive to every niggle and twinge. It doesn't make it easier though since I can't control chemical imbalances in my brai, that is what the tablets are for. People keep telling me because of what I have been through and charity work, etc, I am an inspiration but really, other people have been through this and are so much stronger, braver, less mental than me. I'm not an inspiration. I'm just a really good actress.

Song for Ellie

I'm going to put music to this and hopefully record it. I'm thinking I want it to be a capella, with me doing all the parts.

I've had a lot of dreams,
You're the one that came true.
I made a lot of mistakes,
but I forgot with one look at you.
Do you hear me when I call,
Now you're on the other side?
And although you couldn't stay,
I'm so proud that you tried.

It's hard to say goodbye to you,
it's hard to let you go,
But there's one thing I want you to know.

The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
You don't know pain,
You won't know fear,
I'll never see you shed a tear,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.

You're the reason that I smile,
You're the one who makes me cry.
You gave me all your strength,
So that you knew I'd get by.
And though the time was not enough,
I know I'll be alright,
Because I know you're happy and you're free,
The way you wouldn't have been in life.

It's hard to say goodbye to you,
it's hard to let you go,
But there's one thing I want you to know.

The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
I see your star,
Late at night,
I remember when I held you tight,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.

A stubborn little ball of strength, you gave all you had to give,
You did what you needed to, but you knew you wouldn't live.
It's hard to make a sacrifice,
But when I look at it it through your eyes,
You know you're loved, more every day,
And I'm proud of you in every way.

The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
My heart breaks,
When you're not there,
But keeping you just wasn't fair,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.

The other side is the only place you'll see,
And when I come over, will you recognise me?
Will you hold my hand,
Will you smile,
Say 'Hey mum, it's been a while,
I waited for you,
Until you came through to the other side'.

More in store!

http://www.artfire.com/modules.php?name=Shop&page_no=2&display=20&op=new&sterm=&sort_cats=0&seller_id=114665&sc_id=0

Jewellery now available, and new cards, made by my lovely friend Gem! Please visit. Some of the prices are out by pennies but that is because prices can be viewed in GBP but I have to enter them in dollars so the conversion just puts it out a bit.

Went to meet up with Gemma today to pick up the lovely stuff she had made and catch up. She is the nicest, most unselfish person I know. Her mum is lovely too. It's funny, I've really only seen Gem a handful of times but I feel closer to her than a lot of people I am friends with. We definately have to meet up more often. Her pet chickens are too cute too!

Thanks also to my friend Bev who has sent stuff to go on the online store. Should be here this week so I will be putting it online when I get it.

Two plus

For a little while now, I've been wondering if it is all worth it. Lee is the love of my life but people seem to think they can stick a spanner in the works/interfere etc. Today I figured, no it isn't worth it. I can't be bothered with there being more than 2 people in the relationship so that was me. But then Lee had a valid point...let them all go f*** themselves, we're happy with each other, and we are more than happy when it is just the two of us and no-one bothering us so why should we split to please them and if they behave like that, are they really worth the worry? I guess not, and i'm glad I have him to remind me of these things. Maybe people should focus on their own lives rather than having to know every little detail of other people's. It's really sad that they have to do that anyway. If people aren't happy, they can get on with it and if they are against the wedding, don't come. It's our day, not anybody else's so no-one will really be missed as such.

Going to see my friend, Gem, tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing her. People forget it is only 3 months since we lost Ellie and sometimes it is really hard to live a normal life. I'm lucky to have such good friends and my family to support me, as well as Lee obviously.

Definately need to study and practice piano tomorrow. Yikes! We have been busy today, sorting out crap and paperwork and it always seems to take forever! I must set up a study timetable too! Organisation is my friend!

Open

I've opened this blog back up for now, now I've had some time on my own.  I just don't like how people think they have the right to do a running commentry of your life and judge it.

If people think I'm wrong or childish for wanting privacy so be it. But let me say this, everybody says how much we've all been through, but remember while you were out living you life all those months ago, I was carrying that baby. You could forget for a while, I never could. You weren't there hospital appointment after hospital appointment, watching those scan pictures. Your children are still alive. So if I make mistakes, or get upset, or am childish, I have a right to be. You might think because you were part of it you knew the pain but you didn't. You never will and I'm glad. So go back to your little games and shove your head it little further up your arse. Just because you were able to grieve in a week or whatever it took, I will always still have it this painful as will Lee. Bereavement of parents and things is hard but it is the natural order. This isn't.

Oh and 'This is me and if you don't like it, get on with it' or whatever it is you say. Because if you had been through what Lee and I have, you would have failed horribly.

Knobhead

What kind of bereaved mother walks down the baby clothes aisle in ASDA. Really, Naomi, really?!

I'm probably just hormonal and upset that I didn't get any work done today for errands. I am actually upset I didn't do 'school' work and chemistry no less! I hated chem in school! But this is my dream. When I went to uni before, sure I enjoyed bits of it but I want this so much. I really WANT it. I want it enough that if I get a full time job, I will sacrifice silly little things to work and study. I might only go out once a fortnight. I might only see friends every so often but it will be worth it because Ellie gave me this dream and nobody is going to stop it.

Found it!

My lost 'lady friend' turned up, only because I forced it by starting to take my BC pill again but there you are. I didn't miss the pain, which to be fair, hasn't been as bad as I sometimes get it and it isn't half as bad as my first one after birth, where I thought I was actually going to bleed to death. Woot! I hate being a woman lol.

We've got a few bits and bobs to do today and places to go which I hate because it is bitty things and I really want to stay home and study. Newcastle doesn't consider resits so I have to be REALLY good in my exams. Granted, they aren't until Jan and June next year but when you consider 3 full A Levels in a year, plus ucas shiznit, it is a big feat. One I am determined to conquer I might add. I am spending most time on Chemistry right now, as that is the hardest and for me, I believe, will require the most work, but all in all, I seem to be able to grasp what I have learned so far. Fingers crossed it stays that way!

My little, Ellie-phant, thinking of you always, pretty bambi. I saw a deer the other day in the distance and knew it was you, come to see me :) x

Going mad

If I am relatively distracted, I am fine. When I'm not, something is always wrong. My new one is this: I recently found a fair size dent in my skull at the crown, probably where my back fontanelle was as a baby or i've cracked my head. But now, being me, I am convinced it is spreading, I have soft spots and my head is caving in. Lee presses it nearly every day when I panic and says it is solid. Mega freaks me out.

Got loads of work to do today. No time to piss about when it comes to all this work! Might do my notes in front of 'Dear John' and 'Brigadoon' though in bed. Typical Sunday afternoon!

Day out

We went to the metro centre today which is cool but always hard what with all the new mums, pregnant women and mother care. Lee bought me 2 new writing sets though so allnis well. I also saw the Oxford handbook of genetics which I mega want but it was £30.99 and it's only £23 online. It even has ARPKD in, which is awesome as it's mega rare.

Really daunted about the prospect of writing a personal statement but my friend is going to help. I'm planning to have all my unit 1s learned by August. It's amazing what you pick up and learn just while making notes which is weird because I don't actively read when taking note, I just the see the words and write them but some of it processes.

I've been thinking a bit more lately about the hospital and what happened there with Ellie. It's always hard to think about...I stood a stroked my daughter's hair and held her hand, knowing I was taking her to die. There was no other option, I know that, and I did what any good parent would in our position but it doesn't make it easier. I knew I wouldn't be bringing a baby home, but I still ache. It wasn't a shock but you never realise quite how much you love your child til the minute they are born. I think I really fell in love with her at 28 weeks when we knew about the ARPKD, and I could feel her back and all sorts with the lack of fluid but when she was born, that was it, I was spoilt for all others. Nobody really compares.

Bring it on

So much work today so I am going to start by totally blitzing my study area. You can't study/piano-practice in a messy area, it just doesn't work! This 3 A Levels in one year malarkey has got to be do-able. It doesn't matter that A Level Chem is like, the hardest subject lol. I'm doing this for Ellie so it will work. It's just step by step. I already can tell you about atomic and mass number, protons, electrons and neutrons woot! To be fair, psychology looks like it has the most to learn as it is more concept than factual.

The headaches are back a little bit which I hate and I have totally lost my period. I am not pregnant and I thought I had two regular ones at 3 and 7 weeks postpartum but now I'm thinking I wasn't regular at all and at 3 weeks pp, it was just more clearout and c-section bleeding. I've had this constant annoying buzzing in my left ear too and funnily enough, monday and last night, Lee massaged my shoulders and I cried for Ellie and it wasn't there either time. Repressed grief maybe?

I think I am going to definately up my anti-d's next time I go to the doctor. I am halfway there but thinking 20mg of citalopram might definately take the final edge off. Fingers crossed!

Business

Yay, I set up an online handmade goods store with all proceeds going to Tiny Lives.

http://www.artfire.com/users/MyStarEllie

Please visit, more to come tomorrow, just takes a while to upload everything!

Slow down

The past few days have been so hectic, I can't wait to just slow down and do some study and piano practice from tomorrow onwards. I certainly need to get started on the chemistry! I'm thinking 2 hours a day per subject plus piano might be enough to get me through. 8 hours sounds a lot but I am not working right now and really 6 hours is a school day anyway so it's not so different.

I ordered my new phone today and got my contract dropped by £15 a month. Wahey! Will be glad to rid myself of my blackberry. Pile of crap!

Lee is out taking his grandparents round a sheltered accommodation to see if they like it. They can't really cope with a full house now. If they do like it, we might rent their house of them but we'll just see.

We are then going to Morpeth as Lee us doing some jobs for my friend so I will get to see my adopted nephew again lol. He is lush. Haven't even heard him cry, he's just so happy.

Lots to do, so little time!

Drained

I'm up and down right now.

First of all, congratulations to a fellow ARPKD mother who is carrying a healthy baby. Her baby is a carrier but not affected and I am so pleased for her.

With every pleasure in life, there is a pain too. I just came back from Teardrop, a SANDS affiliated bereavement group. We all went round the room and introduced ourselves, told our story and I burst into tears straight away! Other people cried before me though so its OK, we're all in the same horrible club but with a variety of reasons. I think I have a lot more than some of the people there. It makes me feel blessed.

I went to the library today and picked up some A Level text books and revision guides so I can crack on. OMG at Chemistry, that is all I can say! That is going to require muchos work! I am a smart girl however, and Ellie made me want to do this, so I will do it for her and every time I hit a blip or snag, I will find a way. I  have this determination that I never had with nursing. I'll have to to complete 3 full A Levels in a year!

Here's a little something I came up with:

Can you hear me, Ellie,
I wonder where you are,
I think about you every day,
I keep you in my heart.

I wonder if you're happy,
I wonder if you smile,
I wonder if you think about me,
Every once in a while.

I hope you're never lonely,
I pray you're never sad.
I thank the heavens every day,
For the time we had.

I think you're busy playing,
With your friends on the moon.
So I'll let you have your fun,
And I'll see you soon x

Ellie

I also wanted to make a separate post about Ellie, away from the upset and future plans.

I think about her everyday and yesterday, looking at photos it was hard to believe I even held that little monster, bless her. I can do everything now since it has been 3 months since my surgery and my recovery, to be fair, was really quick, despite doing loads from the off.

I still have a lot of health anxiety...I have no intuition about myself, I'm convinced I always have things wrong with me and I rarely do but with Ellie, I just knew she was special. She has made me who I am. I am a size 14 and yes, size 10 in my goal but I don't feel fat. She has shaped what I want to do with my life because before her, I never fully knew. She has made me take time to think about poorly babies everywhere and try and help them, at least the ones at the RVI. She has shown me that I have a wonderful man and although times have been hard for us, we are always bonded by her.

Sometimes I wonder who the lucky ones really are. I look at the two women who were pregnant with babies with ARPKD at the same time. Their lives are constant fear, as their babies are in and out of surgery, dealing with infections, etc and even after transplants, there is a shelf life. Where is the next kidney coming from? Ellie's life would have been pain, uncertainty, wishing she was normal.I even saw one parent on a facebook group lose her son to this disease at the age of 22. The time we had was so special and Ellie knew nothing but love, before birth and after.

Privacy and time to breathe

I've restricted this blog because I am sick of various (not just one, a few) people judging me and commenting on my life. I don't think I am out of place saying I've been to hell and back and I don't need people tearing me down, undermining me, invading my privacy, being overbearing etc. I am almost 24 so really, regardless of what they think, comments should be kept to themselves. I've been in tearss all morning and I really shouldn't give a crap.

So, as I was saying previously, college got cancelled. Most people know I left my nursing course, I just couldn't cope with seeing children abused, etc and my tutor wasn't supportive but I loved the medical aspect of things and I enjoyed most of the assignments and things. My plan is hopefully, to continue along the same vein but doing biomedicine but unfortunately, that requires knowledge of a level sciences which I don't have. Anyway, the biology wasn't an issue ut the chemistry was going to be a problem because of lab practicals but an amazing friend has hooked me up with someone who can help so I will be able to do My a levels privately, including psychology. I will be able to have some tutoring for the chem, the biology I'm going to do distance learning through the national extension college and the psychology I can do alone as there are no practicals and things, just exams, which I can arrange as a private candidate. It's much better than the college really because they stopped their fee remission for next year so it would have cost £1400 and ats just for HEFCs which aren't even in as much depth as a levels. Plus this way, I have more hours available for a job, because I'm not prepared to let Lee do all the work. I like to work (when the jobs are there!).

My piano is actually picking up...practice does pay off!

Roller coaster ride

Life is up and down right now.


I was disappointed this morning as the college had cancelled my course. Then I thought spanner had been put in the works for what I wanted to do but a very good friend has saved me! I don't want to say too much about it on here as it is private and I'm normally a disappointment to everyone so it's on the downlow for now.

My piano practice is going fairly well. Not sure if I will be ready for the exam or not but given the circumstances, I would settle for a pass this time round. Obviously I have had bigger worries but I'm going to work hard. It helps having a good teacher but I know the majority of the work has to come from me.

3 months ago tomorrow, I gave birth. Wow, time flies, it's all surreal but it isn't much of a healer.

Back to the blogospehere

I haven't abandoned ship!

Our holiday to Turkey was amazing. We spent days in the hot sun, swimming, sunbathing, drinking and eating. So nice to relax! I really caught the sun too though it is dying down a bit now. It was sad seeing people there with their toddlers but also, great to get away and we had a lot of fun with the animation team, and in the spa getting Turkish baths, massages, etc! Lee even sold his £10 watch (10 pound 10 years ago that is!) for 20 lira haha!!! The sound pf the praying pocking from the mosques was really beautiful and Marmaris was a really great place, especially as I have never fancied going to Turkey! I'll put some pics up here soon. We are going back for more at the end of September, for our honeymoon, though we aren't sure if we will be going back to Marmaris or to Bodrum this time.

My anxiety has been a pain in the neck since I came home though. Sometimes I'm ok, others not so much. And still grieving, all the time, consciously or not. It's so hard to think of what happened in the RVI but I have to because I have to think of Ellie, my gorgeous little fat bambi. It can still be a bit surreal sometimes..

I am hoping to host a murder mystery night for charity. Should be fun if enough people are interested! I am also taking the plunge tonight and going to Newcastle, without Lee. It's scary but i've enrolled to do a couple of classes at college that start in a couple of weeks so I need to get used to going out on my own.

Wednesday will be my last appointment with Henrietta, my psychologist, before she retires. I have managed to not think about it but as it grows closer, I am sad. It is like losing another person from Ellie's life. I've lost so many, loss after loss. However, I need to make a new life and carry Ellie with me all the time. She's helping us to get through, I know it.

The letter

This is a song from Billy Elliot the musical but I adapted the lyrics a bit to say what I need to.

I will miss you growing,
And I will miss you crying,
And I will miss your laugh.
Miss your stomping and your shouting,
I will miss telling you off.
But dear Ellie, I know that you are always there,
You are with me in everything.
And please, Ellie, know that I will always be proud to have known you.
Proud that you were mine, proud in everything,
And I will promise you this, Ellie.
In everything I do, I'll do it for you, Ellie,
And I always will be true.
I will miss you growing,
And I will miss you crying,
And I will miss your laugh.
Miss your stomping and your shouting,
I will miss telling you off.
But dear Ellie, I know that you are always there,
You are with me in everything.
And please, Ellie, know that I will always be proud to have known you.
Love you forever,
Love you forever.
Mum x

Nearly 2 months

I can hardly believe it. It isn't any easier though?

Been so stressed. I'm really sensitive about my eyes because they haven't been quite right. I went for an eye test, got new lenses but text is still ghosting so they gave me a retest and I am waiting on new lenses. The optician did tell me to do the pinhole trick, which took away the ghosting though so I know it's a refraction problem and not an issue with my eyes, which are really healthy by all accounts. Today, I've had a one sided headache all day, it's been a nightmare, from round my eye right down to the back of my head. I presume it's a tension headache.

Off to Turkey soon. Sort of scared but looking forward as well. I think Lee and I could definitely do with it. It won't take the pain of missing Ellie away but at least it's a break away.

Going to college from May to do a couple of classes. It's free for me so it will be something to keep me occupied and meet people. I have lots of friends but few who I see or that I feel totally comfortable with (but to Claire, thanks for everything, you've been great!). I just need a new start and some 'entertainment'.

Thanks to Amanda for doing the 'Ellie adds love' hairbands and the donation!

I'm still alive

Just in case anyone was wondering!

I have had a really bad time with anxiety, to the point of not sleeping for nights running and panic attacks but I seem to be back on track now with the help of citalopram and I was taking temazepam but I don't need it anymore.

We had our post mortem meeting at the RVI yesterday. The diagnosis is definitive but Ellie's case will be taken forward to the next meeting with the fetal med team, NICU team, geneticists and the post mortem doctor etc as there is still some questions regarding her enlarged heart. What Prof Robson and Dr Berrington did say was that without ARPKD, the heart would gave been fine so there isn't two underlying conditions, it is just this is not a typical feature of ARPKD and further information and investigation is required. They will also discuss the possibility of a CVS in future pregnancies which involves taking part of the placenta and looking for defective genes at 11-13 weeks. However, if they can't find the faulty genes on Lee and I or in Ellie's tissue sample, they can't offer it. This means Lee and I would basically have to take our chances and be monitored via scan with the possibility of late termination. It's a horrible thought and it breaks my heart. It hurts even more knowing that apart, Lee and I could hav healthy children. I'm so angry with the world.

To top it all off, I am aching for Ellie, desperate to hold her, knowing that I never will. I feel so alone in my anxiety and my secret feelings (that I really only tell Henrietta and my diary) and like nobody cares. Why would they? I mean, our parents have or can have other grandchildren from other kids so what does it matter to them if Lee and I don't have a healthy child? But it is killing me slowly and everyday I hate the world a little bit more, become more jaded and just don't want to bother with people.

What it means to be loved

A couple of ARPKD mums had posted this song on facebook and the lyrics are so apt...not the happy ending bit though :(


For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited
Gettin' ready for our baby girl
But when he called the doctor said I need to see you
and could you come in soon
then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
the tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?"
and she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
and I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

so we spent each day, watchin' every minute
and prayin' for our baby girl
and I will not forget the way I felt that moment
when she came into this world
but they took her from the room just as soon as she was born
and watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on
when a voice inside me said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna be her dad

I wanna hold her close for as long as I can
and I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

I said everyday
we've got to bring her home
she's been out to prove the doctors wrong
oh and you should see her now
she's as pretty as her mom
and theres a boy at the front door waiting just to take her to her high school prom...

and he wants to give her the world
wants to hold her hand
and someday she may get a wedding band
but she's gunna live every moment until that day comes
and we're gunna show her what it means to be loved

Oh yeah (what it means to be loved)

show her what it means to be loved
what it means to be loved

Exhaustion

The anxiety is taking over...I am so tired, physically and emotionally.

I am so frightened of all the physical aches and pains, etc which make me anxious, which then causes the physical symptoms. I can't win. Going to see my own GP on Thursday hopefully to discuss it. I've been to see Henrietta today which is always insightful. Now I won't see her until the 23rd though.

I want to grieve without the anxiety taking over. The anxiety is harder than the feelings of loss. I am scared all the time. I feel so alone, in my fear, and in how I feel. Nobody understands me.

Talking to the moon

I think Bruno mars wrote this song for me

I know you're somewhere out there,
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back.

My neighbors think I'm crazy,
But they don't understand
You're all I had
You're all I had.

At night when the stars light up my room,
I sit by myself,

Talking to the moon
Tryin' to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool?
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous,
The talk of the town.
They say I've gone mad.
Yeah, I've gone mad.

But they don't know what I know,
'Cause when the sun goes down
Someone's talking back.
Yeah, they're talking back.

At night when the stars light up my room,
I sit by myself,

Talking to the moon
Tryin' to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool?
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Do you ever hear me calling?
'Cause every night, I'm talkin' to the moon
Still tryin' to get to you

In hopes you're on the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool?
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I know you're somewhere out there,
Somewhere far away...

Progress

The past few days have been a struggle with the level of anxiety. Half the time it's a catch 22, because the physical symptoms caused by anxiety make me anxious something is wrong so I get more anxious. I think, for now, I've managed to break out of the cycle, enough to get some sleep with the help of my GP. My head was still banging and heavy with funny eyes but I have an eye test tomorrow, plus, after going to my mum's and being 'normal' for a while, it has eased off.

Sorted out my passport form, should be here in a week or two. Only a month to go.

Not sure what to do now. Get a job or not yet, start back on my uni work or not yet, concentrate on music or not yet? People say when I'm ready but how do I know? I really don't know anything except how much it hurts day by day, how much I miss Ellie and that she isn't coming back.

Argh!

Spent most of the day in Wansbck A and E. Passed a big clot this morning with a big gush of blood so freaked out. The bleeding did slow down and I had a speculum check, everything looked ok. Had an appointment with Henrietta (which, trust me, I needed!) then went back to get discharged before another huge gush so I was beside myself. They said it is my period but I don't believe that, bit early. However, I think it is just normal like they said and it's slowing again. I had to keep explaining to the professionals that Ellie had died. The wansbeck is good but I wish I had gone to the RVI. At least they know the story from my maternity notes and I feel safe there, because they kept me safe when I felt totally unsafe and it was Ellie's home.

A couple of weeks ago, Henrietta had mentioned going to the teardrop group (stillbirth and neonatal death group) but after today, I think we both know I need a bit extra help so I have to go back next week (two week gap was a bit much I think). Once I started talking today, I had a lot to say. I never realised and I am feeling so hollow and empty. I'm sad it will be a different psychologist at the end of April, Henrietta met Ellie the bump so there's some tie.

I played the piano and cracked open the wine. At least the nerves have eased slightly.

What once was mine

What once was mine was pure and true,
What once was mine had eyes of blue.
What once was mine, a button nose,
What once was mine had tiny toes.
What once was mine had total strength,
What once was mine, long in length.
What once was mine I love so much,
What once was mine I long to touch.
What once was mine, hair thick and black,
What once was mine, I beg, come back.
What once was mine, I held so tight,
What once was mine, my shining light.
What once was mine, we said goodbye,
I love you, Ellie-star in the sky.

Date day

We had to drop Martin and Ciji off at he airport at 4am this morning so I slept until 1pm. It's sad they are gone but we will see them on skype soon no doubt.

Lee and I have been to the metro centre for date day (it's funny to still go on dates but we love it). We picked him up some new t-shirts, his new phone, I got some new converse trainers and we got some bath stuff from lush products as well as going for all you can eat Chinese (Lee's favourite!). Then he got in the bath with the bath stuff and let me scrub his back haha!

Lee is planning to start running tomorrow to train for his 10k run in July. I'm jealous, I really want to exercise now! I want to learn my guitar too so I'm going to add it to my p.s. I love you list. I'm going to make myself a timetable of things to keep me occupied such as piano practice and things.

We got a letter today from the RVI for a joint post natal check and post mortem results, march 22nd. I really don't want to go but at the same time I do for closure and so I can get the all clear. My anxiety is through the roof. I have loads of fluid in my ankles which is freaking me out too. I've walked loads and have elevated my feet all night but it is still here.

I've barely thought about Ellie today in trying to keep busy. I have a lot of days like this and feel like the worst mother in the world, but it's hard to think about anything when I am trying to put on a brave face. I feel myself missing her every minute though. We actually need to get another memory box because we have so much stuff now!

Here is the link to see the Elle adds love hairband, made for charity in her honour by a new friend Amanda.
http://addloveaccessories.blogspot.com/2011/02/ellie-adds-love-is-for-sale.html?showComment=1298679207734#c4097796316391976797

Over and out x

Ding dong the wedding bells are ringing

That's right, I am getting married on the 2nd of September and weirdly enough (I didn't even give it a thought), that is Ellie's 12 week scan date. How freaky is that? Like it was meant to be! I picked my wedding dress this morning and one bridesmaid dress but need to sort it in a few weeks. Didn't want to try anything on because the dresses are a bit heavy and I am still healing so will return later. We went to Shields and sorted Lee's decree absolute and also to silverlink where I basically got all of my holiday clothes bar a couple of dresses and my swimming costume.

Had to go to the doctors yesterday for a suspected DVT (suspected by me that is lol. I really should have discussed how serious my anxiety is but will wait for Dr Shiel to return from holiday). Turns out the fluid from my section seems to be favouring one side. The bleeding is much less now too.

We went to Rosalie's last night for chinese and drinks. It was a really good night. Poor Lee was the designated driver though.

I am meeting up with Gail and Rachael on Tuesday I think, which should be nice. One friend I really want to say thank you to though is Claire. I haven't seen you for a few weeks but I have really appreciated your support. And the opportunity to do my D.I.Y C-section on you....I will be there tomorrow!

I am really sad that Ellie won't be there on my wedding day. I know she would have been beautiful in a little teal and cream dress. I feel guilty for picking out new clothes for a holiday and sorting this wedding out. It's not so much excitement as survival really.  The sun is a lot duller without Ellie in my world.

bad day

Today has been a bad day. Just really sad and low. I could cope much more with not being able to do stuff if I had Ellie to look after.

To whom it may concern: The whole world does not revolve around you. You don't acknowledge my daughter's death to me, hours after it happened, then think you have the right to use her picture as your facebook profile picture? Every time you do wrong you try to turn it on somebody else. Well, if you want to shove your head up your arse and think everybody worships you, fine, but they don't and don't use my perfect child and pretend to care when you feel like it. I die inside everyday she is not here and you were honoured to even meet her and nobody will ever match up to her. And maybe you should thank your parents for everything they've done for you recently. They have certainly put up with a lot.

All looks good today on the bleeding front, barely any.

I'm so sad and hollow. Some days I feel almost ok but today is not one of those days. I don't know what my place in this world is, I don't know where I fit in. I have Lee all the time and he is my world, I would do anything for him but I still feel so lonely. I don't want to be here. Ellie should be here, not me. I wish I could go back and trade my life so she was healthy. I don't see any joy in the world. If I did something wrong, why punish Ellie, the universe should have taken me, she didn't do anything. People tell me life goes on and I know it does but don't I get time to grieve? It has only been two weeks. I'm so confused about everything. I hate my life and to top it all off, I'm scared to go to sleep for fear of DVTs and haemorrhage (which is a bit contradictory to how I feel hence the confusion. I am conscious if I have to be here, I don't want to waste my life).

I don't know anything anymore and I don't want to.

What to do

It's amazing that when you are fine, all you want to do is sit around and do nothing but when you have to do that, you hate it with a passion. It's because when you sit, you have time to think and as much as I want to sit a replay our time with Ellie over and over, it's hard as well.

I was freaking out yesterday because I bled quite a lot but it's fine, apparently, and it has slowed down now. We had sunday dinner at the golf club which was good and then went to Louise and Ray's cottage. Nice but doesn't beat the caravan! Lee's excited because if we ever win the lottery, I told him we could buy a log cabin up there (or if we get full time jobs and save, which is more realistic but will take longer!).

Angela and the student midwife (whose name I have forgot....feel terrible but my mind is full) came out today to do my final check and discharge. It's a bit sad because our midwives have been so fantastic. However, Angela has said about getting them the info for 'A night for Ellie' because her and Ruth and Hillary might go, plus it advertises to other people. Also, Angela is going to sign my passport photos and form. We're going to get them chocolates and a thank you card. Doesn't come close to our gratitude but it's the least we can do. It's quite hard for me right now because I am so used to having constant midwife and hospital appointments, and it has been a big part of my life for a long time. I am used to being at the RVI and the doctor's surgery, it's a lot to get used to, not seeing those people and places so much. My 6 week check is apparently in March with Prof. Robson though, and the letter has been sent out so I should get it tomorrow or the next day. Then we have our post mortem results meeting with Dr Berrington in 6-8 weeks. I really hope next time we have a child too, in a billion years, that I can have my community care in Blyth, rather than at the RVI (where we will be for fetal med). I'm sure, in the circumstances, they will honour the relationships we have built up with various professionals. I find it so amazing that every single professional we have met has been so caring and compassionate, especially the doctors (because doctors are not renowned for compassion really). Dr Shiell with her phone calls to check I'm fine, Mrs Tweedie, who talked me through the surgery when I could feel it all, the anaesthetist who let me squeeze his hand as I screamed and Lee had left, Prof. Robson, who held my hand when Lee was having a scan in a different room and I was terrified at Ellie's renal scan, Dr Berrington, for everything she did for Ellie and our family on the NICU and Dr McKenzie for her brilliant care at the Wansbeck. Then, Angela, Hilary and Ruth for their wonderful sense of humour and care, Abby the midwife from fetal med, she was outstanding, the midwives on the postnatal ward,  just everyone. It's like an oscars speech!

Not really sure what to do with myself now.

Stir crazy

I wish I could drive and do more. I've had to slow down much more to sort of stem the bleeding. It is stressing me out.

Last night, weirdly enough, I dreamt about Ellie for the first time ever and it was Ellie's first day at home. Bizarre but nice. I dreamt I was holding ner and then she started to move because she was alive.

A couple of people from Newcastle have added me today on facebook who lost their kids to ARPKD, I think Krishna recommended them. It's is horrible other people had to go through this but at least there are people like Lee and I.

I played the piano for a bit today. I really don't know what to do with myself, my concentration isn't the best. I've been trying to plan our wedding too.

Been out for dinner tonight with Ray, Louise, Rosalie, Fraser, Martin, Ciji and Lee plus Rosalie's kids which was lovely. I chatted a lot with Rosalie who is lovely.

Ellie, I miss you bambi. I love you millions. X

My p.s. I love you project

Been a bit worried by the level of bleeding today but hopefully it has settled down now. I'm getting wrong for having done too much so I might have to take things easy for a couple of days. It's really frustrating when I feel comfortable walking about and things, not to mention the not being able to drive scenario. Took the bus today and it is not post c-section friendly at all.

We are upto £1590 in donations, which is crazy! Not even two weeks yet since we started.I have to be so careful though because sometimes, Ellie doesn't seem real when I plough all my energy into charity stuff...I need to sit down and think about what actually happened to keep her real.

I feel a bit like now the funeral is over, people just want to forget her and move on. I know swe have to live life and I'm just paranoid but I never want to forget. I'm scared people will.

As for my p.s. I love you project, I have set my goals for the year, our 1st year without Ellie. I have to turn the worst year ever into the best year ever for her. So here goes:

March: get contact lenses, lose 5 lbs (current weight is 11st 9lb)
April: Go on holiday, help 'a night for Ellie' be a big night and enjoy it
May: learn to swim 50 metres, decorate our bedroom
June: get a tattoo, submit two TMAs and get over 80%
July: hit the £3000 target for Tiny lives, do grade 6 piano
August: find a job, hit the 10st mark
September: have an amazing wedding
October: complete first degree module with a first, start two new modules
November: write something (Lee and ray are determined I should be a writer), be able to swim 100 metres
December: take Lee on a late honeymoon
January: be underway for grade 7 piano, have hit the £5000 mark for charity
February: do something big to commemorate Ellie's month, and even possibly discuss a sibling.

So, let's see how I do!!

I miss you Ellie, I'm glad you are home, I just wish you were physically here. Love you millions x

The send off

It could have been the worst day ever but actually, Ellie phad a gorgeous send off. It was terribly hard but I have to say, 'crocodile rock' at the end was a really good choice, even Lee and I laughed. At the end there was a collection box for tiny lives and we also received cards...£187 in the donations box, £180 in cards plus £40 in online donations today alone!!! This is before any events have taken place! Her little White coffin was beautiful. We get Ellie home tomorrow and the flowers that we bought for her. We went to the sports and social club afterwards and that was great, seeing everybody. The turn out was amazing. My friend Jen and her boyfriend, Robert, had named a star after Ellie as a present for us and gave us the set, with the certificate and location and things, which was lovely. I also have a locket that my dad and Sam had got me last week to put pictures in.

Ellie's story was also in the chronicle today but it had a picture of us, not Ellie. I would have been better with Ellie, she is better looking than us two! A couple of minor details were wrong but the story was good and it has the just giving website at the end, as well as mentioning 'a night for Ellie'.

I have also seen a preview of the hairband that Bonny's friend, Amanda Hilliard, is making called 'Ellie adds love' tp raise money for the charity and it is lovely! I can't believe Ellie's influence!

So all in all, a really hard sad day, but also a happy positive one

Update: at the end of today we have made £595 in donations alone, just today!!!

Thank you Ellie

I got in the shower just before and our wardrobes are the sliding door mirror ones, so stripping down I looked at myself properly for the first time naked. Before I was pregnant, I had crept up to a size 12, I thought my belly was huge, my thighs were massive, chunky ankles and I was so miserable. Then, pregnant, I loved my bump but panicked about afterwards, even though I only put on 2 stone. I was so worried about how I would look. Anyway, today, I looked and right now, I  am a size 14 and I felt like Cheryl Cole! I have a giant slice through my belly and stretchmarks but I feel curvy, my ankles are tiny, my belly isn't flat but is smaller than a lot of peoples and my thighs are not fat. I looked and apart from my occasional pregnancy rash face (it comes and goes, will settle down in a few weeks), I felt really beautiful, bodywise. It's all thanks to Ellie.

I've got a couple of my fave pics of her and one of my section wound so you can see what an amazing job the doctor did. Please forgive the couple of stray hairs, that baby is not getting waxed for a while yet!

The top photo is so beautiful, Ellie without her wires. I love the bottom one but the top one is hung above our fire place. I just want to frame them all! We are getting a few frames and getting a big canvas done for above the fire eventually.

I also had a letter today from the Dr who delivered me, stating surgery was uncomplicated but in any future pregnancies, I will require consultant led care with early referral to the fetal med unit and I am suitable for vaginal delivery if there are no other complications.

new vid link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLMIomWyCgY

 Gem made an edit so the old link doesn't work x

Sheer fear

The funeral is tomorrow. I am really scared....I know what size the coffin is going to be and Lee and I are really frightened to see it. Plus it is so final. I knew when I left her at the hospital I would never see her again but tomorrow, there is no going back. Not that I could see her today if I wanted because I would be traumatised.  According to Stephen, Lee's friend/funeral director, people at the funeral home have been saying how lovely she is. I'm so proud.

I had a really bad night last night. We all popped down to the Masons but for some reason, I was really concious that my bump was gone and it hurt really badly. I can remember holding her and how she feels, her skin and everything. I hate this.

Think Ellie is in the evening chronicle today, to pay tribute and to try and help our tiny lives cause. Thanks to Bonny for sorting out the headband thing, can't wait to see it!

Perfect in life, famous in death

Wow, Ellie really is causing a stir (as she always did haha, gets that from me!). The photographers are coming out from our local paper, The Evening Chronicle, today to do a piece about her and hopefully raise money for tiny lives. We also have our first definitive event set up by my friend Chloe, A Night for Ellie, at Shearer's bar in town on April 29th (Royal wedding, I think? Or thereabouts). Debra Stephenson also retweeted us (from corrie), celebrity juice tv show (go Keith Lemon, you beaut), metro radio news, Blyth Spartans football club and loads of others including Katie Piper, the lovely young model who was attacked with acid in her face and suffered some horrible burns, and PC David Rathband, who was shot by Raoul Moat last year. Cannot believe what a star Ellie is! We are so proud and we are nearly at £1000 already!

Of course, the funeral is 2 days away and it will be, without a doubt, the worst day of our lives, when we have to let Ellie go (although she will never really be gone, she is still with us). The pain is agonising but she is helping so many people.

I will also be setting up my P.S I love you project on this blog, inspired by Cecilia Aherne where I am going to set myself goals to get through my first year without Ellie. It's a way of saying to Ellie, I'm living life for you and I won't waste life when you couldn't have it.

For Ellie

Many of you will think it is hard to talk about a baby who only lived for 40 hours but I could talk and talk and never finish about Ellie.  In those 40 hours, she taught our families everything there is to know about life, love and living every day like it is our last. The name Ellie means both shining light and famous warrior. Ellie was and is both.

Lee and I were ecstatic to be pregnant and couldn’t wait to know whether we would be blessed with a girl or a boy.  Even from the beginning, Ellie was so awkward that when the sonographer couldn’t get her to move to see, we knew we had a girl!  They noticed a lack of fluid at 20 weeks and told us the pregnancy probably would not continue.  However, a week later, our little miracle appeared fine and continued to do so until 28 weeks. It was then we learned Ellie had a rare disease affecting her kidneys, lungs and liver and that Ellie still might not make it. She would not be able to pass urine, have no kidney function and her lungs would be severely impaired.  Once again, Ellie refused to be told what would and wouldn’t happen and continued to grown and give us hope.

I carried Ellie until exactly 35 weeks, when she stopped moving. The RVI delivered us immediately and we got to see our beautiful baby with one eye open and hear her scream briefly before the wonderful team of doctors took over to help her breathe.  Most people look at their baby for the first time and comment on how they have their mother’s eyes or father’s nose. Ellie, we laugh, bore a striking resemblance to Lee, and most of all, his receding hairline, despite a lovely head of hair.

With tiny lungs and an enlarged heart, they said Ellie might not make it to one day old and repeated that she would not pass urine and her blood pressure was far too high. Ellie was having none of that, so she decided to stabilise herself and wee, all while dropping her blood pressure. Lee will tell you she gets that streak from her mother! She fought through until the next day, test after test, but then it all became a bit too much and she let us know that it was time to go.

Those last few hours with Ellie were the hardest of our life, but also the best, as we got to hold and love her and tell her everything we needed to. We kissed her and told her how she would always be with us, not to be scared and how proud we were and will continue to be. You learn what it means to be a parent when you have to do the hardest thing, which is letting you child go.  Knowing that your baby is better off not in this world is the most painful feeling but we wouldn’t change anything as the time we had was amazing.

We chose the two songs you hear today as they were songs I used to wake Ellie with and she used to dance in utero to them. When she didn’t kick to ‘Crocodile Rock’ on the 5^th of February, we should have guessed our little drama queen would be putting in a speedy appearance. After all, what is interesting about a straightforward elective C-section (for Ellie, that is, I think I’m quite safe in saying that option suited me!)?

We have a thousand other memories about our little girl that we will treasure forever and even though we desperately wish things could have been different, Ellie was just too ill. We are so proud that in Ellie’s first week, she has inspired people to donate almost £900 to Tiny Lives at the RVI, who help the NICU where Ellie spent her time and did so much for our families.  Ellie has also been mentioned on Alan Robson’s night owls (to which she was born) and even celebrities are promoting her cause online. Ever the little star!

Ellie, Daddy and I want to thank you for the best 40 hours of our life. You gave us everything and we will continue to talk about you every day and take you everywhere with us. We love you so much, our little fighter and we will be eternally grateful that you hung on to meet us. Keep shining bright and stay kissy-licious, bambi. Love Mummy x