Saturday 23 April 2011

Back to the blogospehere

I haven't abandoned ship!

Our holiday to Turkey was amazing. We spent days in the hot sun, swimming, sunbathing, drinking and eating. So nice to relax! I really caught the sun too though it is dying down a bit now. It was sad seeing people there with their toddlers but also, great to get away and we had a lot of fun with the animation team, and in the spa getting Turkish baths, massages, etc! Lee even sold his £10 watch (10 pound 10 years ago that is!) for 20 lira haha!!! The sound pf the praying pocking from the mosques was really beautiful and Marmaris was a really great place, especially as I have never fancied going to Turkey! I'll put some pics up here soon. We are going back for more at the end of September, for our honeymoon, though we aren't sure if we will be going back to Marmaris or to Bodrum this time.

My anxiety has been a pain in the neck since I came home though. Sometimes I'm ok, others not so much. And still grieving, all the time, consciously or not. It's so hard to think of what happened in the RVI but I have to because I have to think of Ellie, my gorgeous little fat bambi. It can still be a bit surreal sometimes..

I am hoping to host a murder mystery night for charity. Should be fun if enough people are interested! I am also taking the plunge tonight and going to Newcastle, without Lee. It's scary but i've enrolled to do a couple of classes at college that start in a couple of weeks so I need to get used to going out on my own.

Wednesday will be my last appointment with Henrietta, my psychologist, before she retires. I have managed to not think about it but as it grows closer, I am sad. It is like losing another person from Ellie's life. I've lost so many, loss after loss. However, I need to make a new life and carry Ellie with me all the time. She's helping us to get through, I know it.

Saturday 2 April 2011

The letter

This is a song from Billy Elliot the musical but I adapted the lyrics a bit to say what I need to.

I will miss you growing,
And I will miss you crying,
And I will miss your laugh.
Miss your stomping and your shouting,
I will miss telling you off.
But dear Ellie, I know that you are always there,
You are with me in everything.
And please, Ellie, know that I will always be proud to have known you.
Proud that you were mine, proud in everything,
And I will promise you this, Ellie.
In everything I do, I'll do it for you, Ellie,
And I always will be true.
I will miss you growing,
And I will miss you crying,
And I will miss your laugh.
Miss your stomping and your shouting,
I will miss telling you off.
But dear Ellie, I know that you are always there,
You are with me in everything.
And please, Ellie, know that I will always be proud to have known you.
Love you forever,
Love you forever.
Mum x

Friday 1 April 2011

Nearly 2 months

I can hardly believe it. It isn't any easier though?

Been so stressed. I'm really sensitive about my eyes because they haven't been quite right. I went for an eye test, got new lenses but text is still ghosting so they gave me a retest and I am waiting on new lenses. The optician did tell me to do the pinhole trick, which took away the ghosting though so I know it's a refraction problem and not an issue with my eyes, which are really healthy by all accounts. Today, I've had a one sided headache all day, it's been a nightmare, from round my eye right down to the back of my head. I presume it's a tension headache.

Off to Turkey soon. Sort of scared but looking forward as well. I think Lee and I could definitely do with it. It won't take the pain of missing Ellie away but at least it's a break away.

Going to college from May to do a couple of classes. It's free for me so it will be something to keep me occupied and meet people. I have lots of friends but few who I see or that I feel totally comfortable with (but to Claire, thanks for everything, you've been great!). I just need a new start and some 'entertainment'.

Thanks to Amanda for doing the 'Ellie adds love' hairbands and the donation!