Lost and empty

My little baby is gone and this time, nature didn't take it's course but I did it. I stopped her living and then had to give birth to her. How sad is that?

The procedure wasn't so bad. I could have managed my pain relief better but I know for next time if it happens again and I hope more than anything it doesn't.

I tell people I am managing and I am but inside, I just feel so desolate and lonely. It isn't the same as with Ellie, but much much lonelier. People identify when you have a baby so far on but with this, people don't want to know, think its not a real baby (pretty much formed at 13 weeks so it is) or think you shouldn't care because its so early and that is the most hurtful thing of all. And then today, I passed a sizeable chunk of placenta and was by myself and frightened (there is still some left but its on its way out) and I know, as people say, it can be normal but when I feel so shit anyway, its not helpful. I have more children dead than alive right now and that is so awful. If it wasn't for Theo, I am not sure I would get up in the mornings.

My friends have been a godsend and I have learned more this pregnancy who I can lean on, which is one silver lining. That and that I am controlling my health anxiety really well, considering Friday's procedure and even today, at the prospect of surgery, I did cry but did not freak out. 

I guess one step at a time 

Bye bye baby Forrest

Third time unlucky. It has been a bit of a shock to say the least. However, it hasn't been as nightmarish as I imagined. It is horrible to be losing a wanted baby, but I am not so far that I 'loved' this baby or had any real attachment. I don't believe people love their baby at this stage. They love the idea of having a baby but until you feel that baby kick and things move into that realm, you don't really know they are there, except for symptoms. Some women go for a scan only to find their baby has died without them knowing at this early stage. It is, therefore, easier for me to shut down. As much as that baby is still inside of me, in my mind it has died and baby Forrest, while always in my thoughts and still an important loss to me, is a baby that was never meant to be.

In two days, I will return to the RVI to take the tablet that shuts down the hormones to fuel the pregnancy. This bit holds no fear for me. I am not scared to do the right thing for this baby, sparing them a life of suffering and pain like Ellie. She will look after them in fairyland and have a sibling to play with. What I am scared of is getting it out. I always said that was the scariest bit for me and it holds true. I don't want a surgical termination as it can cause complications and I am terrified of general anaesthetic. That said, the medical termination isn't particularly appealing. To endure a mini labour when I have no pain threshold is a massive source of anxiety. The joy is, I am pretty sure I can get morphine and gas and air so I imagine after my first c section, I will survive (for which I did not have morphine but only gas and air). I am also worried about the particular moment when it all leaves me, but a few friends, while honest have been reassuring and they have survived and moved on. It seems to be like a heavy period by all accounts.

Lee and I have decided after recovery (physical) to aim for an almost immediate pregnancy again. I could take 3 weeks or 3 months, who knows but really, we will be ok once I get past the horrible procedure. Yes, it could happen again next time and even the time after that but we just have to believe that 75% has to win out at some point in the next 3 attempts. Perhaps if it is bad next time we will have a slightly longer break, I don't know but for now, we will just surge on. I have also decided to stay at the RVI for any future birth. Foetal medicine is a horrible place to be, nobody wants to be there with their complicated pregnancies but even so, I feel safe there, and well cared for and the hospital is amazing. When I think of having this termination at our local hospital, where I booked in, I feel sick and it's not the hospital because my care with Theo there was amazing. When I have been through A and E they are great too but it doesn't feel like 'home' the way my antenatal care does in Newcastle. There is even going to be a brand new hospital on the doorstep and it doesn't tempt me at all.

Theo has been the saviour in all this. Waiting for my cvs and results was much harder this time because  I know how amazing he is but the horrible bit after, he has made it so much easier because he is so perfect.

So, here's hoping Friday goes smoothly and the next baby is in that 75%. Bye bye baby Forrest, you were wanted and there will be no suffering for you and no regret for us.