Papering the cracks

2013 is here already, I can't believe it. Another new year and a positive new start with my 2 gorgeous boys.

Theo is 17 weeks this week. I've blinked and here we are. Once upon a time, I thought he would never get here! Now, he just laughs and smiles at everything, he is hilarious. We've started him with a 4xB routine: bath, boob, book, bed haha. It works, he is out for the count (so is his daddy!). He sneaks into bed at about 4am for a feed and stays tucked up with mammy til morning and when Lee gets up, he opens an eye, snuggles back in and sleeps til 10am, lol.

All my new school books came for my 3 modules for my degree. There is some serious workload. The courses don't begin til Feb 2nd so at least I'm making headway. I'm even exercising and practising piano when I can, with a date night crammed in tomorrow for good measure. It's all a case of so little time, so much to do, which normally helps but I do so well and then my anxiety kicks in. My vision is off again, eye strain from a lot of computer based study, which also causes the headaches. Then I get frightened.

I knew at the time what happened with Ellie was awful. Now, she is almost 2 and I look back and think, it was horrific and traumatic. I remember being physically unable to sleep until I was given sleeping tablets. I remember sitting in a funeral car thinking 'how did I get here?'. And now, I have a beautiful little boy who is my everything and a husband who keeps telling me I can do things and I will be great and not fail and I keep thinking 'when will I not be broken anymore? when will this anxiety go away?' I know I will never be the same person and I don't grieve in the same way as I did, mostly because I won't let myself think too much about that time in hospital, only about Ellie and that she was here. Maybe I need to think about that to get over it. I am happy and I keep getting knocked down by fear and people who say there's no point in worrying don't understand because they haven't got anxiety. It is terrible. I would rather have the flu followed by the norovirus because they go away.

I live my life thinking of how exciting our future is and then freaking out that somehow, the universe is going to knock us down again in some equally horrific way. I'm tired, I just want to be normal. I appreciate in a short space of time, it has gone from being me and Lee to being 3 to being 2 again, then pregnancy then 3 again. I was happy being the 2 of us, even after a while after Ellie, I learned to enjoy just us. Now we have it all bar her and it's like that one missing link to my ability to just not worry about things.

Maybe one day I'll be fixed. At least for now, Theo is here and he is my heart's bandage.