The waiting game

Eventually, it is nearly April! I can feel my positivity slipping away and the stress beginning to build up. Luckily I have lots of assignments and music practice to do to try and while away the days and kids exam results to wait for as well as my usual lovely mornings and days out with Theo.

Theo is my little sunshine and without him this would be so much worse. Although the people who say 'at least you have Theo' should really think before they open their mouths. As if Lee and I don't know and that little boy is our whole world. However, this is still our baby too and that's like me saying to a woman with a normal pregnancy, 'well don't worry if anything goes wrong and you lose that baby, you already have one/two'. It makes no difference, a loss is still a loss and still as painful. There will still be grief and pain. People don't seem to have the sense to realise that.

The worst thing is, I feel that this baby is fine, as I did with Theo, but I won't let myself truly believe it in case I am wrong. I am hoping to have the test as soon as possible so hopefully will hear from my consultant today that I can have it at 10 weeks.

Fingers crossed, as ever

The return of ARPKD

Its been ages since I was here. I really should update more.

It was going to be a big secret but I am expecting again. I actually don't care about the secret although it makes no difference anyway. My first pregnancy was horrific, the second when I found out I cried because I was bricking it but it obviously came really good.

And this one? I felt excited. REALLY excited. I didn't feel even a little bit scared.Maybe that is intuition and maybe not. What matters is Lee and I can cope. My friends have been really great and my sister and even our grandparents. Of course it has taken 2 days for other family members to beat the excitement out of me. I have one who completely ignores it, one who changes the subject as soon as possible, one who put a downer on the whole thing (and they all did the same last pregnancy too).

After everything we have been through, we deserve the right to TRY and have a normal pregnancy in the beginning and be excited like everyone else. 75% is a big chunk. People are always harking on at me with my health anxiety to stop worrying and be positive and yet here I am and they can't put their money where their mouth is to try and help us through it. Last time, I got told not to focus on the fact that a termination was a possibility and focus on the good so I do it and still can't win. I appreciate they may be scared but I wasn't scared and now they've got me that way and torn down my happiness. And instead of being ostriches, maybe asking Lee and I how we are feeling might be helpful, you know, 'cause it's four times as bloody scary for us. Its hard to get attached to a ball of cells really, because that is all it is but it still has the right to be acknowledged. It's still OUR baby

So, I am choosing to believe this baby is fine. And worst case, we will dust ourselves off, move on and try again because it can't be any worse than it has been. Would just be nice for people to let our baby exist and try and be supportive of us, our baby and positivity instead of making us feel like we are making their lives hard.