Sunday 30 June 2013

In the blink of an eye

It's been a while since I updated, just been so snowed under.

My little rainbow baby is nearly 10 months, what??!! If he wasn't such a funny, loving little character, I would cry but he is hilarious and my little snuggle bum. His personality is just huge and infectious, he is so happy. Right now, he is a little frustrated as he is desperate to get on the move, but despite the fact he will be into everything, it will be easier once he gets going because he won't feel hindered. Theo is now the proud owner of 3 teeth, he is fast becoming a little chatterbox, loves the piano and likes to sit in the big boy seat of the trolley when shopping! He is pulling himself up on things and has a million toys but insists on playing with our keys or phones! He is just my sun, moon, and stars and I can't stop kissing him, to which he always kisses back.

We had our first family holiday in May, the 3 of us plus my sister, which was a nice break. The caravan park wasn't the best but a break is a break and we got to do some good things. Lee, Theo and I are also off to Haggerston Castle in September, up in Berwick.

In myself, I have struggled a lot. There has been a few family members (or family of family members) who have had cancer, 2 out of 3 have died, and so my health anxiety was really triggered, combined with being run down. I am on a waiting list for some cognitive behavioural therapy and asked the doctor to go back on my antidepressants just for a while until I have the CBT and have got back on top of things. Sadly, Lee's gran died too and while it was for a different reason and didn't trigger my health anxiety, actually being involved in funeral planning and things was a real struggle as I ended up having so many flashbacks which for the most part I manage to lock away. Luckily, Theo and Lee are the best medicine ever and I'm feeling much happier. It's really all just been everything at once.

My studies are going so well. I've been thinking I'm not doing as well as I would like but turns out anything over 70% is a first, so actually getting top marks! I was struggling for a while since our PC was down and out but now we have a mac book so I'm back on top just about and determined to succeed.

We are waiting to hear about a mortgage in the next couple of weeks but I'm mostly planning Theo's christening, studying and practising piano. And of course, looking after Theo, which I love. I wish his sister was here to enjoy him but I think, had she been here, he wouldn't be so it's a funny feeling. When Ellie was here, in my belly and out, I knew her because I had grown her but now, I know Theo so much more than I ever knew her. I wonder what she would have been like in terms of personality, and what battles we would be having now at the terrible twos. Most of the time I try not to think too hard. I am also terrified knowing one day soon, in a year or so, we will be thinking about getting pregnant again. So for now, I'm just going to forget.