Renaissance

Wow. 2014 already?! Really? Well, in just under 2 hours at least.  This year has brought about the growth of my baby into a big boy, the buying of our own house and happiness. It has also brought more loss and sadness too. However, a new blank slate is starting again as we carry our memories forward.

For myself, it is time to get my head in the game. I have quite a few goals, but my big ones are to do well in study, to lose a lot of weight, to get off the antidepressants and combat anxiety, and to be happy and a good wife and mother.  I need a reinvention. Time to dress to impress, to start looking good and feeling it too. Granted, I'm planning on having another baby at some point, not necessarily this year (maybe want to wait a bit) but it's going to be better to be healthy and fit before conception anyway.

My big desire is to shape my work life to be with Theo more, to go swimming, bake cakes, grow plants and all the things toddlers love to do. He is starting to want more attention and to do more things, and I want to do them with him.

Also, Theo loved Xmas this year. He was thoroughly spoilt! It was lovely seeing his happiness at all his new toys. Love my lamb chop and thinking of my other special angel at new year.

Come at us 2014!

Toddler-ville

I really cannot believe it's almost Xmas again! I am SOOOOOO excited haha, like a big kid. Theo won't really understand much but he likes toys so it is going to be really fun.

Theo is the universe to me more and more everyday. He is so funny and smart, I'm so proud he is mine. That is not to say he isn't a monkey though! He has a proper little defiant look when he is is reprimanded! He is getting more affectionate, not only with family and friends, but his cuddly toys too and he even kisses the characters in his stories. His walking is really good and running too, and he can climb up on the chairs (and jump on them too, little bugger!). He says a handful of words, like dog, car, mammy, daddy, grandad, hiya and responds to instructions like clap, or if I tell him to get his book for story time. He loves Mickey mouse and dancing, and still loves to play piano. Yesterday, I think he cottoned on to his reflection for the first time and got really excited about that. He is a ball of 14 month old perfection. You just have to have eyes in the back of your head for when he is dashing up the stairs or grabbing something he shouldn't. I love walking with him as he holds his little hand out to me, and his hand is so small and lovely in mine. He is my peach.

The other man in my life is 38 today and I love him more than ever too. I have spoiled him for Xmas and am so excited to give him (and everyone else) their presents!! I love xmas apart from the obvious exception. I often don't think about Ellie in terms of what actually happened. It's almost as if she is a fictional character in my head sometimes, everything happened so quickly but it has started to creep into my head a lot lately and make me sad but also face things. Maybe a lot of my grief has been repressed and is starting to crack through. My last thing to do is to get her notes from the RVI. I want to read them so it becomes a bit more real. I think it will give me closure. Part of me still can't believe the fact I had a baby and watched her die. I think it has been repressed a lot but I need to just think about it and cry when I need to. I miss her so much. Theo hasn't replaced her, he is a different child so I still need to allow myself the grief to honour my little girl.

Other than being sad for reasons I should be sad, I have been feeling really happy lately and less anxious by far. I am also madly in love with music again, on piano, flute, cello, singing, whatever. I am doing a little bit of teaching which I love, I have a new baby grand piano and lots of possibilities for the future. The anxiety is never gone 100% but it is much more manageable. My job is going OK too but I miss being with Theo a lot more and sales is sometimes a bit intense.

My degree is going well. Music tech is really interesting and a big challenge as it is all new to me. Due an assignment back soon, actually, hope I've done well.

And now, I need to sleep!

I've got a big boy :O

Theo s 1 on Friday 13th Sept! 1!!!! He is all grown up and just so clever and funny. People keep coming into work with tiny babies and making me broody but I love just having one little peach for the minute. He is having a tea party on the sunday with some friends and I have all his presents sorted, they just need wrapping. I know he won't understand much but it will be a lovely day anyway.

It is also the day we sign our mortgage. YAY! It's amazing to know our home is officially ours and we are homeowners. I can't wait to get the place sorted properly, it's taking some time between work but it will get there.

I am loving my job too. I've just been offered the chance to be the main person dealing with Roland (digital pianos/drums/etc) and it's so exciting. It will involve lots of training and trying to sell but it's  new challenge. In between this, I am working towards grade 6 piano, grade 6 flute, grade 8 voice (resit to get a better mark and I'm out of practice) and soon grade 1 cello. I'm also starting to teach my niece piano and singing and have a couple of piano students which is great. Eventually, I'd love to teach and do community/music in schools as my main thing, alongside playing in am dram societys and amateur orchestras. I'm going to take students to festivals as well I think and start doing them again myself. Hopefully, all this music will rub off on Theo!

My CBT is going well and I'm starting to feel a lot better and really motivated. I truly believe Ellie is with me every step of the way. I was playing piano at work and next to me was a little white feather. She must have been listening :).

My open uni module exam happens in Oct and my 2 new modules are starting, German and music tech! I think I'll do really well, as I love both and am fired up.

Been a little bit more teary lately when I mention Ellie and feeling it a little bit more. It might have something to do with Theo's birthday approaching I guess. It is much easier with him here than before but I know the hole will never truly close. I think Ellie is the one sending all the good luck and giving me ambition again to be a good parent to Theo though. Well, that and super snogs from Theo!

On the up

Life seems to be going well! Yay!

The biggest thing is our mortgage is sorted and we now live in our new house. We are still unpacking and sorting but it's looking great and is bigger for us. The garden is small but good for what we need. It's a lovely fresh start and stability for Theo bear. It's actually my dad and step-mum's old house and before that, I grew up in it. I thought it would be strange coming back and it is sort of but actually, I'm really comfortable and my parents are happy over in Spain so all is well that way.

Theo's christening went really well. Everybody said how much they enjoyed themselves. I actually slept from 4pm, the joy of too much vodka but I had a grand old day haha as did everyone and our son was a little stud muffin and a little superstar at the church.

My first CBT counselling appointment is this coming Tuesday. For now I am on anti-anxiety medication but hoping to come off in a few months. I am now working full time which really helps too and it's a job I love in a music shop, selling pianos and musical instruments. I've even taken up the cello! The hardest bit is not being with Theo all the time but we can give him so much with the extra money which is great. Supporting my son and future child is really important to us both.

It nearly Theo's 11 month milestone and 1st birthday :D :(. Mixed feelings. He now imitates things such as 'haha' or waving. He crawl-chases you round the house if you run away from him, he still lies with his mouth open for millions of kisses. He can demolish a biscuit in a minute or two, he can click his tongue (like clip clopping sounds) and he is just a ray of sunshine. He is super happy and I fall more in love every day. He is having a pirate bedroom like a big boy!

Now, having our own house and garden means I can actually make a memorial garden for my little bambi. I want it to be a happy, pretty garden though and hopefully, Theo will help me.

So all in all, things are going well right now. I opened Ellie's box the other day but I was tired and didn't want to get upset. I will probably dig around it on a day off. I really miss her but Theo is like balm for the wound.

Yay, positivity!

In the blink of an eye

It's been a while since I updated, just been so snowed under.

My little rainbow baby is nearly 10 months, what??!! If he wasn't such a funny, loving little character, I would cry but he is hilarious and my little snuggle bum. His personality is just huge and infectious, he is so happy. Right now, he is a little frustrated as he is desperate to get on the move, but despite the fact he will be into everything, it will be easier once he gets going because he won't feel hindered. Theo is now the proud owner of 3 teeth, he is fast becoming a little chatterbox, loves the piano and likes to sit in the big boy seat of the trolley when shopping! He is pulling himself up on things and has a million toys but insists on playing with our keys or phones! He is just my sun, moon, and stars and I can't stop kissing him, to which he always kisses back.

We had our first family holiday in May, the 3 of us plus my sister, which was a nice break. The caravan park wasn't the best but a break is a break and we got to do some good things. Lee, Theo and I are also off to Haggerston Castle in September, up in Berwick.

In myself, I have struggled a lot. There has been a few family members (or family of family members) who have had cancer, 2 out of 3 have died, and so my health anxiety was really triggered, combined with being run down. I am on a waiting list for some cognitive behavioural therapy and asked the doctor to go back on my antidepressants just for a while until I have the CBT and have got back on top of things. Sadly, Lee's gran died too and while it was for a different reason and didn't trigger my health anxiety, actually being involved in funeral planning and things was a real struggle as I ended up having so many flashbacks which for the most part I manage to lock away. Luckily, Theo and Lee are the best medicine ever and I'm feeling much happier. It's really all just been everything at once.

My studies are going so well. I've been thinking I'm not doing as well as I would like but turns out anything over 70% is a first, so actually getting top marks! I was struggling for a while since our PC was down and out but now we have a mac book so I'm back on top just about and determined to succeed.

We are waiting to hear about a mortgage in the next couple of weeks but I'm mostly planning Theo's christening, studying and practising piano. And of course, looking after Theo, which I love. I wish his sister was here to enjoy him but I think, had she been here, he wouldn't be so it's a funny feeling. When Ellie was here, in my belly and out, I knew her because I had grown her but now, I know Theo so much more than I ever knew her. I wonder what she would have been like in terms of personality, and what battles we would be having now at the terrible twos. Most of the time I try not to think too hard. I am also terrified knowing one day soon, in a year or so, we will be thinking about getting pregnant again. So for now, I'm just going to forget.

Poorly baby

Well, for the most part of April, I have had a poorly baba, first with a really bad case of rotavirus and now recovering from cold/teething so, it's been a hard month but at least, unlike some babies, Theo has recovered so I am not too hung up on it.

He is 7 and a half months, I really cannot believe it! We are nearly at the point of sitting unassisted, Theo loves toast (with butter or chocolate philadelphia) and baby crisps, his conversations are great and he will only eat his breakfast if I sing 'Running up that hill' by Kate Bush (as witnessed by my sister!). Good taste in music anyway! We LOVE Kate Bush (well, mammy does!).

I have been doing really well on my open uni degree too which is great. 85% and 75% on 2 different assignments! I have had to rearrange the degree to avoid subjects that will really trigger my health anxiety so half of it will be in Music, but that part will be a challenge but also fun for me. I have a place to go to work from September-ish as a private singing teacher which is really exciting but means I need to brush up on my musicals and get my pop music singing exams done eventually, so I know what happens at them. It's all stuff to focus on though.

Theo will be going on his first holiday soon, to Cayton Bay in Scarborough. We are really looking forward to it. I think he'll love being able to go swimming everyday, we even have him a little wet suit.

Two special friends came back into my life this week, leaving me feeling much happier. They are very important people to me and have been for 10 years now. It was difficult with one, who has not long had a baby girl called, you guessed it, Ellie and I knew she would be worried about how it would be but I miss my baby, not her name. I'm so happy for her, nothing else. And her little one is beautiful, shaping up to be a little character too!

I do feel sad that I don't get time to reflect on Ellie so much, it was so fast that it's still hard to believe she was here but I know she wouldn't want me to waste the time I have with Theo. I'm lucky to have 2 amazing children!

Pause for thought

It's been a while since I wrote. So much has been going on, it's hard to find the time.

We made it through Ellie's 2nd birthday and angelversary without TOO much suffering. It was so much easier with Theo here. Each day I take a step towards being a little bit more 'me', as much as I can be having lost Ellie. It will never be fixed but it is easier now. I often don't have time to think is more the case.

Theo is 6 months this week. Already! He is such a little character, so funny and he is very, very cheeky! He is more intelligent by the day but also incredibly loving, always dishing out the kissies. For the first time on mother's day, he held his arms out for me to pick him up :) He is still little in terms of weight and general size but he is long. His love of his feet knows no bounds right now, he can get them in his mouth and he finds sneezing hilarious! We go to a few baby groups and I have a bit of a social life going on.

Between mothering and being a wife, I'm managing to cram in my degree and my 3 instruments. How, I'm not quite sure. It's tiring to say the least. Sometimes being so busy antagonises the anxiety by running me down, other times it helps I think. Things are a bit uneven now because we moved house not so long ago and I felt really secure in my flat before, but I'm starting to get used to the new house slowly.

Onwards and upwards :)

Papering the cracks

2013 is here already, I can't believe it. Another new year and a positive new start with my 2 gorgeous boys.

Theo is 17 weeks this week. I've blinked and here we are. Once upon a time, I thought he would never get here! Now, he just laughs and smiles at everything, he is hilarious. We've started him with a 4xB routine: bath, boob, book, bed haha. It works, he is out for the count (so is his daddy!). He sneaks into bed at about 4am for a feed and stays tucked up with mammy til morning and when Lee gets up, he opens an eye, snuggles back in and sleeps til 10am, lol.

All my new school books came for my 3 modules for my degree. There is some serious workload. The courses don't begin til Feb 2nd so at least I'm making headway. I'm even exercising and practising piano when I can, with a date night crammed in tomorrow for good measure. It's all a case of so little time, so much to do, which normally helps but I do so well and then my anxiety kicks in. My vision is off again, eye strain from a lot of computer based study, which also causes the headaches. Then I get frightened.

I knew at the time what happened with Ellie was awful. Now, she is almost 2 and I look back and think, it was horrific and traumatic. I remember being physically unable to sleep until I was given sleeping tablets. I remember sitting in a funeral car thinking 'how did I get here?'. And now, I have a beautiful little boy who is my everything and a husband who keeps telling me I can do things and I will be great and not fail and I keep thinking 'when will I not be broken anymore? when will this anxiety go away?' I know I will never be the same person and I don't grieve in the same way as I did, mostly because I won't let myself think too much about that time in hospital, only about Ellie and that she was here. Maybe I need to think about that to get over it. I am happy and I keep getting knocked down by fear and people who say there's no point in worrying don't understand because they haven't got anxiety. It is terrible. I would rather have the flu followed by the norovirus because they go away.

I live my life thinking of how exciting our future is and then freaking out that somehow, the universe is going to knock us down again in some equally horrific way. I'm tired, I just want to be normal. I appreciate in a short space of time, it has gone from being me and Lee to being 3 to being 2 again, then pregnancy then 3 again. I was happy being the 2 of us, even after a while after Ellie, I learned to enjoy just us. Now we have it all bar her and it's like that one missing link to my ability to just not worry about things.

Maybe one day I'll be fixed. At least for now, Theo is here and he is my heart's bandage.