Woohoo for Xmas! I still don't feel festive but it will be great anyway, not that Theo will know any different! He just like the lights.
My jubjub has been with my mum today so apart from tidying, I have started my new module, 'Infectious Disease and Public Health'. It's really intense but mega interesting. It doesn't officially begin until Feb 2nd so hopefully by the time it starts, I will be ahead of the game a fair bit. I'm also working towards a piano exam plus add a 3 month old into the mix so it's important to be organised.
Tomorrow, Theo and I are off to see his Aunty Jess and her kids, who he hasn't yet met and then Monday is Xmas eve! Can't wait for Lee to have a couple of days off next week and just enjoy the week. Even those with their little snidey comments about our parenting and acting as if I have nothing to do with how well our son is turning out can't get me down ('cause I know its a load of shit) because I'm on a high with my two gorgeous men by my side :)!
Saturday 22 December 2012
Thursday 20 December 2012
And the bells were ringing out for Christmas day
Yay, Theo's first Xmas is next week. He has been given presents from loads of people already, they are waiting under the tree! :) I've been singing him lots of Xmas songs which he loves. His little character gets better every day and it's a joy to watch. He loves playing games with his dad and chatting away to him but he's likes my singing better (haha) and when he wants snuggles he looks for his mummy a bit more, especially at night. He loves gallivanting to family's houses too, the little flirt and I can see him really starting to take to his godparents to be, Mel and Marion (don't worry Bev, he will be getting to know you soon and I tell him all about you). The fact that he is already trying to sit up as well is impressive. It will take him a while yet but he's giving it a good go!
Theo is at his Grandad Andy and Grandma Sam's today so I'm just wrapping, tidying, playing piano and chilling out. It is a really horrible day. I'm not feeling so festive this year but I think that will change as he gets bigger and we do more Xmassy things. I know Xmas will be great, we are going to my mum's for dinner and we will be stopping in at my Dad's house as he is home this year. Lee is at work boxing day which isn't great but he gets paid a lot for it so Theo and I will just be going back to my mum's house for the day before we go to my aunty Christine's usual boxing day party. I'm not really planning much for NYE or NY day, they aren't such a big deal to me. I'm sure Lee might go out New Year's day again and I might go for a couple but I just feel like I end up missing out on time with Theo, which is much better than alcohol. I'm bad enough when he goes to family's houses, even though it's nice to have a break and they all want to spend time with him too.
I'm still struggling a bit with Xmas and Ellie not being here but Theo is the best cure for it and we've been talking about her lots while we watch Xmas dvds. I know she will be happy to see how happy he is. For how worried we were about the reality of having a baby, I think Lee and I are doing a pretty good job and hopefully we will get better next year too. It's definately one of my resolutions!
Monday 3 December 2012
Happy quarter of a year!
In 3 days, Theo will be 12 weeks old! He is just so funny. He loves it when I sing 'Girl on fire' by Alicia Keys but I sing 'Theo on fire' lol. He loves TV (already!), story time (won't stop smiling), being naked, boobs (feeding machine), the swimming pool, his vibrating chair and snuggles. We took him swimming today and he had a lot of fun.
It's getting exciting now we are nearly at our first Xmas with the little man. I find it overwhelming this time last year, I was dreading Xmas. It was OK but I missed Ellie so much. Now, I miss Ellie just as much but Theo has made the world technicolour again and it is exciting. If you had told me last Xmas, by next year you will have a beautiful 3 month old, I would have laughed and said 'no chance'. Theo has already had his first visit to Santa at Daddy's work this week.
Last night, Theo slept nearly all the way through the night, I was panicking! He is still predominantly breastfed and we both love it, though I've struggled with pain, and we've both had thrush on and off which is painful too. I'll be really sad when he doesn't feed from me anymore. He's already showing signs of being really intelligent. Everyone comments on how content and smiley he is and now, how much he chats away. He is a little talking machine haha. Last clinic, he weighed 10lb 11oz so I think he will be over 11lb this Friday when my health visitor comes out. We've even done baby massage. There's loads of stuff to do with him but we are going to spend a lot more time at home over winter as this whooping cough epidemic is a real worry. His second vaccinations will be on the 12th Dec.
In other news, I passed my first module of my degree in genetics. I have 3 new modules starting Feb, so will get the materials next month. Exciting but a lot of work! And of course, it will be coming up to Ellie's 2nd birthday :(. I can't wait to tell Theo all about her though.
My friend, Emma, who also lost her daughter last year (we grew up together) has just had her rainbow baby girl, Pearl, on Nov 29th :D so happy for her and they are both doing well. It's like a new chapter for both of us.
Anyway, here are some photos of the dude.
It's getting exciting now we are nearly at our first Xmas with the little man. I find it overwhelming this time last year, I was dreading Xmas. It was OK but I missed Ellie so much. Now, I miss Ellie just as much but Theo has made the world technicolour again and it is exciting. If you had told me last Xmas, by next year you will have a beautiful 3 month old, I would have laughed and said 'no chance'. Theo has already had his first visit to Santa at Daddy's work this week.
Last night, Theo slept nearly all the way through the night, I was panicking! He is still predominantly breastfed and we both love it, though I've struggled with pain, and we've both had thrush on and off which is painful too. I'll be really sad when he doesn't feed from me anymore. He's already showing signs of being really intelligent. Everyone comments on how content and smiley he is and now, how much he chats away. He is a little talking machine haha. Last clinic, he weighed 10lb 11oz so I think he will be over 11lb this Friday when my health visitor comes out. We've even done baby massage. There's loads of stuff to do with him but we are going to spend a lot more time at home over winter as this whooping cough epidemic is a real worry. His second vaccinations will be on the 12th Dec.
In other news, I passed my first module of my degree in genetics. I have 3 new modules starting Feb, so will get the materials next month. Exciting but a lot of work! And of course, it will be coming up to Ellie's 2nd birthday :(. I can't wait to tell Theo all about her though.
My friend, Emma, who also lost her daughter last year (we grew up together) has just had her rainbow baby girl, Pearl, on Nov 29th :D so happy for her and they are both doing well. It's like a new chapter for both of us.
Anyway, here are some photos of the dude.
Saturday 3 November 2012
Stop growing!
My little dude is growing far too fast *sob*! He is almost 2 months and massive compared to birth but still small with regards to other babies. He is a little smiling machine now and his character is definitely emerging. When that lad can walk, I think I'll be in trouble!
There was a little accident this week. Lee was making a bottle with Theo under one arm and Theo kicked the boiling water over his arm. We've all done the same thing but Lee just got unlucky. He was devastated but these things happen. It happened to me when I was a toddler with tea. The damage was superficial and Theo will be better soon. It hasn't bothered him at all and I keep telling Lee it wasn't his fault at all. If he hadn't got Theo under cold water so quickly, the damage would have been a lot worse.
I've been struggling a little bit with anxiety, mostly over things happening to Theo. The past two weeks have been hard but I'm just trying not to think about it too much. I have horrible thoughts about driving my car off the road and me dying, which I don't care about as long as someone finds my baby. The thought of him crying and nobody coming is horrendous. When he crys in the house, I have to be straight there because I think of him wondering why his parents don't love him enough to come to him. Ellie dying was the worst thing ever but I prepared for it. I knew it was going to happen and how ill she was so I couldn't do anything else but if anything happened to Theo, my life would be over. So, I'm going to try and manage until the 3 month mark and then hopefully, exercise will make me feel better. I feel happy all the time too so I know I'm not depressed, just anxious.
Otherwise, mini guy is gorgeous and doing well. I'm sick of people telling Lee and I what we should and shouldn't do and how to parent though. Our baby is a content happy little guy so we are obviously doing something right. We discuss parenting with each other all the time and I'm sick of people being patronising when we do or don't do things that they suggest. I'm sure if we needed advice we would ask. People seem to think they have the right to dictate you parent their way but I'm just going to ignore it. He's happy, gaining weight, and showing signs of intelligence, is always smart and gets loads of love so I'm thinking Lee and I are pretty good parents without people telling us what to do.
The bear is at my mum's today. 4 hours til he is back woo! :D
There was a little accident this week. Lee was making a bottle with Theo under one arm and Theo kicked the boiling water over his arm. We've all done the same thing but Lee just got unlucky. He was devastated but these things happen. It happened to me when I was a toddler with tea. The damage was superficial and Theo will be better soon. It hasn't bothered him at all and I keep telling Lee it wasn't his fault at all. If he hadn't got Theo under cold water so quickly, the damage would have been a lot worse.
I've been struggling a little bit with anxiety, mostly over things happening to Theo. The past two weeks have been hard but I'm just trying not to think about it too much. I have horrible thoughts about driving my car off the road and me dying, which I don't care about as long as someone finds my baby. The thought of him crying and nobody coming is horrendous. When he crys in the house, I have to be straight there because I think of him wondering why his parents don't love him enough to come to him. Ellie dying was the worst thing ever but I prepared for it. I knew it was going to happen and how ill she was so I couldn't do anything else but if anything happened to Theo, my life would be over. So, I'm going to try and manage until the 3 month mark and then hopefully, exercise will make me feel better. I feel happy all the time too so I know I'm not depressed, just anxious.
Otherwise, mini guy is gorgeous and doing well. I'm sick of people telling Lee and I what we should and shouldn't do and how to parent though. Our baby is a content happy little guy so we are obviously doing something right. We discuss parenting with each other all the time and I'm sick of people being patronising when we do or don't do things that they suggest. I'm sure if we needed advice we would ask. People seem to think they have the right to dictate you parent their way but I'm just going to ignore it. He's happy, gaining weight, and showing signs of intelligence, is always smart and gets loads of love so I'm thinking Lee and I are pretty good parents without people telling us what to do.
The bear is at my mum's today. 4 hours til he is back woo! :D
Tuesday 23 October 2012
Ouchie
I am so sore. Took Theo out in his pram for the first time this week and must have walked far too much. Getting in and out of bed feels like I have just had the section and my back is really sore. So, the little bear has gone to his grandma and grandads today so I can rest up. I missed him the second he left which is funny because the other day when my mum had him all day, I was worried that although I love him more than anything, I coped fine with him being away and didn't miss him too much. Maybe because I had time to prepare and knew he was going to be out I suppose.
Clinic is tomorrow but Theo is getting heavy. He now fits in first size clothes and 0-3 vests and baby gros. I find outfits that are 0-3 are far too big right now but a woman at breastfeeding group said the same about the sizes, her baby needs the next size up baby gro and vest to the clothes he is wearing. I'm now combi-feeding as I am run down as it is but no day is the same. Sunday, Theo had no formula whatsoever, but today he will be having more as I didn't have a frozen breast milk supply. I am making a supply today while he is out.
I guess today, at least I can get my assignment typed up without getting disturbed and sent away then just lie around, have a nap, eat decent food but I do feel at a loss!
Clinic is tomorrow but Theo is getting heavy. He now fits in first size clothes and 0-3 vests and baby gros. I find outfits that are 0-3 are far too big right now but a woman at breastfeeding group said the same about the sizes, her baby needs the next size up baby gro and vest to the clothes he is wearing. I'm now combi-feeding as I am run down as it is but no day is the same. Sunday, Theo had no formula whatsoever, but today he will be having more as I didn't have a frozen breast milk supply. I am making a supply today while he is out.
I guess today, at least I can get my assignment typed up without getting disturbed and sent away then just lie around, have a nap, eat decent food but I do feel at a loss!
Friday 12 October 2012
Fighting with time
After being weighed at 6lb 6oz, a week later he was 6lb 14oz and this week he was 7lb 8oz! Despite his weight, he is still a diddy little thing. We are tired but loving it. Theo is a good sleeper and only really gripes when he has wind. Tonight he is on his first adventure at my mum's by himself. He will be back soon. Lee and I have both felt like we were missing our right arm but its been nice to chill for a bit.
Ellie is looking after this bambino well and I love her millions for taking such good care of him! I am nearly healed enough to drive and things so good all around!
Thursday 27 September 2012
Happy 2 weeks Theo!
Can't believe how quick it has gone and by rights, Theo should only be 2 days old today :)
He is fully legitimate now with birth certificate lol. I'm totally on top of all the paperwork for child benefit and tax credits and things, I'm tidying my house a bit (I can't really hoover, iron, or stand for long periods yet), I'm off to breast feeding support today to meet other mums, I've expressed 120 ml this morning for tonight (I'm a milk machine, let it be known) and I've been granted £1390 for my tuition this year, meaning I have to pay a whole £10! Of course, those 90 credits in February are going to be hardcore but since Theo will be 6 months and weaning and things, it should be OK with Lee and our parents around and my siblings too, to help.
The only real adjustment with being a parent is we probably aren't used to being so selfless all the time, but nobody would be. For example, I read when Theo wants cuddled or is feeding etc but it's the act of if he is in bed crying, immediately giving up what you are doing to go to him. Neither of us resent it a tiny bit, it's just getting used to it because we've never done it before. Also, we are used to having each other to ourselves all the time and now we get a few quick cuddles here and there but that's OK because we are making the effort with each other and that will settle down soon enough. I find it a bit harder but only because I am hormonal and will be for potentially up to a year. Pregnancy really does take it's toll.
Theo was 6 lb 6 oz the other day so he hasn't lost too much birth weight and my weight is flying off. I have had minor anxiety going on, especially for Theo but since he is alert, feeding well, a good colour and having loads of wet nappies, it's easing up. I just wish with being breast fed, he would have more dirty nappies as they are supposed to be 2-5 times a day and he is going 1-2 times every other day. I'll give it a few days and check in with the health visitor at next weeks clinic. I may mention it at breast feeding group today. It's probably nothing more than he is taking in all the nutrition with being little as my milk is the best but I always like to check.
I fully appreciate Lee and I are lucky at how easy Theo is being. Some nights, when he is gassy, he can be bad but even then, not horrendous like some babies, especially breast-fed. I can't help feeling Ellie is helping us a lot. I really miss her now more than ever because she should be fawning over her baby brother but I think she snuggles in his moses basket with him most nights, except when she goes to play on the park. I love that he looks like her and I thank her all the time for sending him.
Love you Ellie, always. You'll always be mummy's first baby who gave my belly a smile :)
He is fully legitimate now with birth certificate lol. I'm totally on top of all the paperwork for child benefit and tax credits and things, I'm tidying my house a bit (I can't really hoover, iron, or stand for long periods yet), I'm off to breast feeding support today to meet other mums, I've expressed 120 ml this morning for tonight (I'm a milk machine, let it be known) and I've been granted £1390 for my tuition this year, meaning I have to pay a whole £10! Of course, those 90 credits in February are going to be hardcore but since Theo will be 6 months and weaning and things, it should be OK with Lee and our parents around and my siblings too, to help.
The only real adjustment with being a parent is we probably aren't used to being so selfless all the time, but nobody would be. For example, I read when Theo wants cuddled or is feeding etc but it's the act of if he is in bed crying, immediately giving up what you are doing to go to him. Neither of us resent it a tiny bit, it's just getting used to it because we've never done it before. Also, we are used to having each other to ourselves all the time and now we get a few quick cuddles here and there but that's OK because we are making the effort with each other and that will settle down soon enough. I find it a bit harder but only because I am hormonal and will be for potentially up to a year. Pregnancy really does take it's toll.
Theo was 6 lb 6 oz the other day so he hasn't lost too much birth weight and my weight is flying off. I have had minor anxiety going on, especially for Theo but since he is alert, feeding well, a good colour and having loads of wet nappies, it's easing up. I just wish with being breast fed, he would have more dirty nappies as they are supposed to be 2-5 times a day and he is going 1-2 times every other day. I'll give it a few days and check in with the health visitor at next weeks clinic. I may mention it at breast feeding group today. It's probably nothing more than he is taking in all the nutrition with being little as my milk is the best but I always like to check.
I fully appreciate Lee and I are lucky at how easy Theo is being. Some nights, when he is gassy, he can be bad but even then, not horrendous like some babies, especially breast-fed. I can't help feeling Ellie is helping us a lot. I really miss her now more than ever because she should be fawning over her baby brother but I think she snuggles in his moses basket with him most nights, except when she goes to play on the park. I love that he looks like her and I thank her all the time for sending him.
Love you Ellie, always. You'll always be mummy's first baby who gave my belly a smile :)
Monday 17 September 2012
Be careful what you wish for
Unless it's the safe and early arrival of a little gruffalo :D
Theo came into the world on September 13th at 1.53pm and it was all a bit of a shock! As it pans out, my waters had broken before I realised so the risk of infection was high. My c-section was done that day, and for all the shock, it was very calm and collected. I needed a steroid shot just in case Theo's lungs weren't ready but when he came out, he squawked non-stop! He had to be monitored for 48 hours in case of infection and he is a bit jaundiced. The hospital was great but being in 3.5 days was too much. I was stir crazy, just wanted to be able to look after Theo without being told when to pick him up and be comfortable. I'm recovering well but having lots of dizzy spells as I am slightly dehydrated, borderline anaemic and wouldn't eat hospital food. I also got a bit of a bad belly in hospital which didn't help the dehydration and breastfeeding takes it out of you.
Everyone is besotted, most of all Lee and I. There just aren't words. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for my Ellie-belly but it's so different and she has sent him looking like her, which we love. It's been hard missing her and loving him so much, I've felt guilty but she is always my first baby and I can't wait to tell Theo all about her.
Theo is feeding so well, the midwife thinks we are naturals together :) He is such an easy going baby. Even at 6lb 8oz, he is tiny, premature size but I love that. He isn't too small but he is just so petite and cute, none of us ever want to put him down. My family and friends have been phenomenal, doing my housework, cooking, etc and Lee is great too. Since having Theo, Lee is the worrier believe it or not but he's more settled today.
We are so happy we could die!
Theo came into the world on September 13th at 1.53pm and it was all a bit of a shock! As it pans out, my waters had broken before I realised so the risk of infection was high. My c-section was done that day, and for all the shock, it was very calm and collected. I needed a steroid shot just in case Theo's lungs weren't ready but when he came out, he squawked non-stop! He had to be monitored for 48 hours in case of infection and he is a bit jaundiced. The hospital was great but being in 3.5 days was too much. I was stir crazy, just wanted to be able to look after Theo without being told when to pick him up and be comfortable. I'm recovering well but having lots of dizzy spells as I am slightly dehydrated, borderline anaemic and wouldn't eat hospital food. I also got a bit of a bad belly in hospital which didn't help the dehydration and breastfeeding takes it out of you.
Everyone is besotted, most of all Lee and I. There just aren't words. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for my Ellie-belly but it's so different and she has sent him looking like her, which we love. It's been hard missing her and loving him so much, I've felt guilty but she is always my first baby and I can't wait to tell Theo all about her.
Theo is feeding so well, the midwife thinks we are naturals together :) He is such an easy going baby. Even at 6lb 8oz, he is tiny, premature size but I love that. He isn't too small but he is just so petite and cute, none of us ever want to put him down. My family and friends have been phenomenal, doing my housework, cooking, etc and Lee is great too. Since having Theo, Lee is the worrier believe it or not but he's more settled today.
We are so happy we could die!
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Squatter's rights
I have asked time and time again but this little boy is not coming out unassisted I don't think. I walked miles round Beamish on Sunday and to be fair, I think he has dropped a bit. Where my scar sits was dipped and is now starting to round out where his little fat head must be lol. I bounce a lot too on the ball but despite lots of period and back pains, they disappear overnight.
Today I am really retchy and though I haven't been sick, I just feel off and not totally right. I can only lie on my left side at night as I get dizzy with blood vessel compression on right side (some of this may be anxiety that I'm going to get it but it makes me feel horrible anyway) which then kills my hip, I'm exhausted and just generally feel crap. I don't even really want to see people except Lee. 14 days is nothing, I know but it feels forever and it is really dragging. I don't begrudge my son being in there at all but we've waited so long to meet him and I feel like we are waiting for our new life to begin, stuck in limbo again. I'm so sick I've even stopped worrying about the pain to be honest and other things that make me worry. The funny thing is, I'm going to miss my bump with his little naughty spells loads but losing a bump is nothing compared to what you get in return.
I'm supposed to be having a sweep Thursday, which I must admit, makes me nervous in case it hurts (despite labour being a million times worse!). I guess I'm thinking at least with labour I can epidural up if needed. More importantly, I hope my cervix is favourable for it and that it actually works!
Come on Ellie, kick your brother out lol
Tuesday 4 September 2012
The other side of the world to me
ARGH, Theo is so close and yet still so far away! 20 days 'til my scheduled Section and I truly don't believe he is going to try and come before. I have been hopeful but he seems extra snug as a bug bless him! He was sleepy this morning, though I knew he was fine, and his Daddy made him wake up by poking and prodding lol so now he is going mental. We went to the hospital yesterday for my reassurance CTG (have been managing with once a week, go me) and he was playing happily. Then, some student doctors came to take a medical history and check my fundal height, etc and he was going crazy. I think he may have been flirting haha.
Lee started a new job at Beamish this week and it seems to be really good. He looks funny as anything in his costume but he likes it so far. I hope today is as exciting for him and tomorrow, I get my new piano! WOOHOO! I'm due one, it's been about 7-8 years (digital ones age faster than upright obviously) and I have picked a bells and whistles while remaining fairly basic one. I was shown a really cool gadgety on in the same make but I don't think I will use it all.
Hurry up Theo!
Lee started a new job at Beamish this week and it seems to be really good. He looks funny as anything in his costume but he likes it so far. I hope today is as exciting for him and tomorrow, I get my new piano! WOOHOO! I'm due one, it's been about 7-8 years (digital ones age faster than upright obviously) and I have picked a bells and whistles while remaining fairly basic one. I was shown a really cool gadgety on in the same make but I don't think I will use it all.
Hurry up Theo!
Friday 24 August 2012
31 days!
Can't believe that is all that's left! Theo's birthday has been set at 25th of September unless he comes earlier. I think it's an afternoon section though so the only people that will see Theo on that day are our parents (as I don't want people to see me with a catheter and things. It's a personal preference for my own dignity so people can wait until 3pm the next day I'm sure). Not to mention with 3 sets of parents, only 2 visitors at a time and an hour slot, it will be a bit overwhelming for us so that's our plan. Then everyone else can come the wednesday.
In the meantime, with 1/5 of his head engaged, my birthing ball is here so I'm going to bounce all day every day to try and get him further down and out naturally since it is better for us. With the section, I did check to have it earlier but it would require steroid shots as with elective sections at 37 weeks, 1 in 5 babies have breathing issues, 1 in 10 at 38 weeks and only 1 in 20 at 39 weeks so 39 and a half is the best option for us.
Theo is sitting at 5.3lb so I'm hoping in 4 weeks to get him to at least his sister's weight of 6lb 10oz. We got to watch him practice his breathing today on the scan, it was lovely. It was great having Lee there as he has missed a lot of scans with work and he will miss the final one in 3 weeks.
So, here's to counting down!
In the meantime, with 1/5 of his head engaged, my birthing ball is here so I'm going to bounce all day every day to try and get him further down and out naturally since it is better for us. With the section, I did check to have it earlier but it would require steroid shots as with elective sections at 37 weeks, 1 in 5 babies have breathing issues, 1 in 10 at 38 weeks and only 1 in 20 at 39 weeks so 39 and a half is the best option for us.
Theo is sitting at 5.3lb so I'm hoping in 4 weeks to get him to at least his sister's weight of 6lb 10oz. We got to watch him practice his breathing today on the scan, it was lovely. It was great having Lee there as he has missed a lot of scans with work and he will miss the final one in 3 weeks.
So, here's to counting down!
Monday 20 August 2012
zzzzzzzzz x infinity
I got up at 8am, I've been in the shower, got ready and now I'm ready for bed again at 10.35am! Nightmare, because my house is a bomb site.
I am feeling better about things though. You know what? I just don't have time to give a shit. Not only have other people's actions caused me to learn who my real friends are, I have a wonderful husband who brings me flowers and chocolate bars, teaches me to be stronger and makes me laugh when he is naughty with his sneaky pints, a beautiful fairy and a gorgeous son due in 3-5 weeks so what else do I need? Certainly not those that bring me down and cause me stress when I should be super excited. As if I wasn't nervous enough panicking about labour, c sections and stillbirths. So I'm moving on and while we aren't cutting anybody out of our lives, people can work around us from now on, not the other way round. I am past caring about pleasing other people because all it brings me is tears and stress while they all get to do whatever they want and it makes Lee get stressed because he is trying to cheer me up. So as long as Lee and Theo are happy, I'm really not going to bother working on the rest. They can make themselves happy, it's not my job to worry about them and if they aren't happy, it's not my fault, they need to look at their own actions in life because people certainly don't lose any sleep when they upset Lee and I.
I have a scan on Friday. You'd think I'd not be nervous about scans at this point but it just never goes away, especially not after the Gary Barlow news a fortnight ago. I haven't needed to go to any but 1 reassurance CTGs because Theo has been moving quite a lot but I think I'll want them more after the 35/36 week mark. I guess the thing about stillbirth worry is most are preventable if you catch them in time and with me having check ups so bloody often, I'm sure it would be really hard to miss but I can't breathe easy til the little gruffalo is here. I've been playing my piano a lot, just easy film music and stuff to help and it really has.
Got my bump photos too, and I love them. Can't wait until Theo is here to get some done of him! He's gonna be gorgeous!
I am feeling better about things though. You know what? I just don't have time to give a shit. Not only have other people's actions caused me to learn who my real friends are, I have a wonderful husband who brings me flowers and chocolate bars, teaches me to be stronger and makes me laugh when he is naughty with his sneaky pints, a beautiful fairy and a gorgeous son due in 3-5 weeks so what else do I need? Certainly not those that bring me down and cause me stress when I should be super excited. As if I wasn't nervous enough panicking about labour, c sections and stillbirths. So I'm moving on and while we aren't cutting anybody out of our lives, people can work around us from now on, not the other way round. I am past caring about pleasing other people because all it brings me is tears and stress while they all get to do whatever they want and it makes Lee get stressed because he is trying to cheer me up. So as long as Lee and Theo are happy, I'm really not going to bother working on the rest. They can make themselves happy, it's not my job to worry about them and if they aren't happy, it's not my fault, they need to look at their own actions in life because people certainly don't lose any sleep when they upset Lee and I.
I have a scan on Friday. You'd think I'd not be nervous about scans at this point but it just never goes away, especially not after the Gary Barlow news a fortnight ago. I haven't needed to go to any but 1 reassurance CTGs because Theo has been moving quite a lot but I think I'll want them more after the 35/36 week mark. I guess the thing about stillbirth worry is most are preventable if you catch them in time and with me having check ups so bloody often, I'm sure it would be really hard to miss but I can't breathe easy til the little gruffalo is here. I've been playing my piano a lot, just easy film music and stuff to help and it really has.
Got my bump photos too, and I love them. Can't wait until Theo is here to get some done of him! He's gonna be gorgeous!
Sunday 12 August 2012
1 month wake up call
I can't keep saying enough how quickly this year has passed and now here we are at 33 weeks, only one month away from term.
I had a scan on Thursday past, Theo was weighing in at 4.1 lbs, exactly on the 50th centile line so totally average. I'm getting more and more nervous all the time so Dr McKenzie has been fantastic and scheduled me in for 3 CTGS this week and a scan the week after, then that pattern will happen again across the subsequent fortnight. I know it's just for reassurance but it really helps. He is so active all the time and it feels really weird now haha.
I feel like I'm constantly stressed all the time too. I've already made the decision that I am sick of loads of people hounding me about when they can have Theo to babysit him. Everybody else gets to raise their kids or be around other people's without me and Lee having to lose precious time in the beginning that we didn't have last time. I appreciate everyone is excited but he is our baby and I'm sick of crying at night because of people putting me under pressure. It's really not fair. It's got me so wound up that it's ruining my excitement for him being here. So, if it's a month, so be it and if I don't want to hand him out for 3 months, then that's also fine by me. This is about Lee, Theo and I and our family and what is right for us.
I spend my life trying to please people and I don't know why I bother. It always displeases someone and I'm getting to the point, as long as it isn't my husband or child, I don't care. Right now, for example, I am 33 weeks pregnant and I am the one for the most part who has to go visiting everybody else, despite being fat and sore and tired. There is an exception to the rule or two but really, what is that all about? I've been doing it this whole pregnancy mostly and I'm sick. And I'm pretty sure if I didn't, I'd get called for it for not bothering. I can't win when I'm soft, because people walk over me and when I man up, I'm unreasonable.
So basically, when Theo comes and I get out of hospital, I am going to lie round with him and enjoy him. I may not be able to drive anyway and if people want to visit and Lee is out, they can make their own tea like the Health visitor says. I know once I recover, I'm going to be super busy between baby clubs and classes to meet people, appointments I have to keep and being a good mum so for once, people can come to us or put up with not seeing us much. All this stressing is not doing my little boy any good.
Friday 3 August 2012
Tell me again how babies get out?
All I can say is do not watch 'One Born Every Minute' style programs when you are going to be giving birth soon. It's not good. Barely recovered! I love me some epidural!
32 weeks in 2 days and it is ticking over very fast! I have another scan on Thursday so I'm hoping Theo is still peachy perfect in there. I, on the other hand, can barely put my socks on!
I turned 25 on the 1st. I didn't do much, we went for a meal at night but I did get spoilt from family and friends which was nice. I'm much more of a Christmas person as it is for everyone, plus it's more exciting with a Theo-zilla on the way. I'm so excited planning all the places to take him and things to do!
The closer birth gets, the harder I am finding things, I must admit. It is making me remember things a lot more (I try not to think hospital thoughts too much, despite always talking about Ellie but its unavoidable) and I am feeling under pressure counting movements and things, given that it was an issue with Ellie and we never got past 35 weeks. I miss her so much and the thought that anything could happen to Theo is unbearable. The sooner he is here safe, the better!
32 weeks in 2 days and it is ticking over very fast! I have another scan on Thursday so I'm hoping Theo is still peachy perfect in there. I, on the other hand, can barely put my socks on!
I turned 25 on the 1st. I didn't do much, we went for a meal at night but I did get spoilt from family and friends which was nice. I'm much more of a Christmas person as it is for everyone, plus it's more exciting with a Theo-zilla on the way. I'm so excited planning all the places to take him and things to do!
The closer birth gets, the harder I am finding things, I must admit. It is making me remember things a lot more (I try not to think hospital thoughts too much, despite always talking about Ellie but its unavoidable) and I am feeling under pressure counting movements and things, given that it was an issue with Ellie and we never got past 35 weeks. I miss her so much and the thought that anything could happen to Theo is unbearable. The sooner he is here safe, the better!
Thursday 19 July 2012
75% baked
30 weeks on Sunday. Wow! Then it will be 7-9 1/2 weeks left. Bit of a scary thought.
I have to say, while I never take any day for granted and I count kicks religiously and even semi-enjoy pregnancy, I am glad to be near the end. I am constantly tired and getting out of bed all the time for the toilet is just plain annoying. I'm really scared for birth and just want it out of the way.
I'm scared for Theo being here too. When friend's have been into the pub with their new babies, it makes it super exciting but I'm terrified, knowing how fragile life really is. Having worked with sick kids really doesn't help. I'm taking it one day at a time but it is overwhelming. I know Ellie is protecting us all and making things good but my faith was really shaken last year and it's hard to get that confidence back.
However, Dr McKenzie has given us the go-ahead for a sweep at 37 weeks. We are actually allowed to go past our dates but to be honest, Lee and I don't want to. If I get to 41 weeks and haven't gone into labour, it would still be a C-Section as induction is more dangerous after a previous section so I'd rather have him here sooner, safe and sound.
So, fingers crossed for 7 weeks!
I have to say, while I never take any day for granted and I count kicks religiously and even semi-enjoy pregnancy, I am glad to be near the end. I am constantly tired and getting out of bed all the time for the toilet is just plain annoying. I'm really scared for birth and just want it out of the way.
I'm scared for Theo being here too. When friend's have been into the pub with their new babies, it makes it super exciting but I'm terrified, knowing how fragile life really is. Having worked with sick kids really doesn't help. I'm taking it one day at a time but it is overwhelming. I know Ellie is protecting us all and making things good but my faith was really shaken last year and it's hard to get that confidence back.
However, Dr McKenzie has given us the go-ahead for a sweep at 37 weeks. We are actually allowed to go past our dates but to be honest, Lee and I don't want to. If I get to 41 weeks and haven't gone into labour, it would still be a C-Section as induction is more dangerous after a previous section so I'd rather have him here sooner, safe and sound.
So, fingers crossed for 7 weeks!
Sunday 8 July 2012
Fearing fear
For the majority of this pregnancy, my anxiety has not overwhelmed me but this past week has been slightly harder, I must admit. I don't know if it is subconscious as between week 27-28 in Ellie's pregnancy, we got our ARPKD diagnosis, or whether it is just as impending birth looms closer.
Before Ellie, I suspect I had mild Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It wasn't specific to health for me and it wasn't something that really affected my life in a big way. Death just hadn't been a big part of my life. So, for the first major figure in my life to die to be my daughter, I guess it was going to take a huge effect and that was when it started to become health anxiety. Well, it really started in the pregnancy. As I said before, I didn't realise how traumatic it all was until this pregnancy has been so normal (as it can be with CVSs and the likes).
This week, the fear has crept back in a bit and the fear of one of the 3 of us dying has been in my mind a lot. It's not horrendous but enough to upset me. The problem with anxiety or depression is, unless you have been on the receiving end, you will never know what it is like. For example, an overwhelming fear of a brain tumour might illicit responses such as 'You're fine' or 'don't be stupid' but if you genuinely have that fear, its really hard to resolve it and then your body creates symptoms in response. My mind can't correct itself as easy as that. Don't get me wrong, the anti-depressants really helped to get me back on track and now I can rationalise quite well, for the most part. Occasionally, it isn't so easy, like this week. I guess I fear that things were crap for Lee and I for so long, and now that they are easy and happy, the universe is going to trip us up or this is the calm before a storm, which is quite unlikely. I'm really frightened of dying during labour or surgery, because last time we didn't get enough time and I want us to be a happy family. I panic that because Theo is fine, I will be the one to die this time, leaving him and Lee alones but I see other PKD families who went through the same as us and think it's just the anxiety back again. Perhaps it will ease this week and I will go back to managing quite well.
In other news, Lee has been putting up curtains and pictures today and our flat is starting to look like a home. I wanted everything done before Theo arrives and it is almost there. I didn't realise how bland it was til we started this. Plus, we are getting more obsessive with tidying now too. I even iron! I love having my two boys to look after. I didn't expect little touches to make such a difference but am excited for it being finished to see how fab it looks!
Before Ellie, I suspect I had mild Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It wasn't specific to health for me and it wasn't something that really affected my life in a big way. Death just hadn't been a big part of my life. So, for the first major figure in my life to die to be my daughter, I guess it was going to take a huge effect and that was when it started to become health anxiety. Well, it really started in the pregnancy. As I said before, I didn't realise how traumatic it all was until this pregnancy has been so normal (as it can be with CVSs and the likes).
This week, the fear has crept back in a bit and the fear of one of the 3 of us dying has been in my mind a lot. It's not horrendous but enough to upset me. The problem with anxiety or depression is, unless you have been on the receiving end, you will never know what it is like. For example, an overwhelming fear of a brain tumour might illicit responses such as 'You're fine' or 'don't be stupid' but if you genuinely have that fear, its really hard to resolve it and then your body creates symptoms in response. My mind can't correct itself as easy as that. Don't get me wrong, the anti-depressants really helped to get me back on track and now I can rationalise quite well, for the most part. Occasionally, it isn't so easy, like this week. I guess I fear that things were crap for Lee and I for so long, and now that they are easy and happy, the universe is going to trip us up or this is the calm before a storm, which is quite unlikely. I'm really frightened of dying during labour or surgery, because last time we didn't get enough time and I want us to be a happy family. I panic that because Theo is fine, I will be the one to die this time, leaving him and Lee alones but I see other PKD families who went through the same as us and think it's just the anxiety back again. Perhaps it will ease this week and I will go back to managing quite well.
In other news, Lee has been putting up curtains and pictures today and our flat is starting to look like a home. I wanted everything done before Theo arrives and it is almost there. I didn't realise how bland it was til we started this. Plus, we are getting more obsessive with tidying now too. I even iron! I love having my two boys to look after. I didn't expect little touches to make such a difference but am excited for it being finished to see how fab it looks!
Tuesday 3 July 2012
Awkward Child
So, for days and days, Theo has moved plenty but had reduced his kicking. This didn't worry me hugely, because he was still moving a lot but I still thought it warranted a check up call. One should never play with a child's life after all. I rang delivery and kept saying he was moving loads but reduced movements kept getting mentioned and they wanted me to go it.
I got put on a trace. They don't normally do it until 28 weeks but they said they would try. For 45 minutes that child would not move and I nearly died. You have to factor in that happened with Ellie bear and she was born after half an hour of not moving. After that, he never stopped. I went home hours later, and he still didn't stop. I fell asleep at 1am (after puking, too much food) and when I woke up, he is still kicking! What a little monster! But then, how do you stay mad after looking at his smiley face photo?!
It's weird when I feel him move to believe (well, I almost believe, not completely) that in 10-12 weeks there will be a little boy inhabiting our bedroom and house with us. I never once believed Ellie was coming home yet I loved her a million times more because she was special. She wasn't like normal babies and I loved her more for it. While I love her more every day, I love Theo in a different way, because I know he is healthy and feeling him kick isn't marred with sadness and wondering how long I will have with him. I don't romanticise having a baby. I know he will cause me more worry and grief than anybody else. I know there will be days when I sit and cry because I am so tired, my boobs hurt from feeding and he won't stop crying. I know it will make my grief a bit more painful because I will realise what I missed out on last time. I will be sore from surgery and want to cry when I can't get up without the pain or if nature takes its course, it will burn when I wee lol but he is worth it all. He is worth all the stress so far and to come. I'll probably just sit and stare at him for the first 3 months. It just seems unreal that it is so close and all this kicking that makes me laugh will be gone, and in it's place, a real boy!
Sometimes it is hard to believe Ellie was here and real. I don't always allow myself to reflect on that time too much because it is a killer. I think about her but not the facts. I never realised just how traumatic the pregnancy was until this pregnancy and I'm sure the same will be said of giving birth etc. But, while I love them differently, it is not more or less than one another. Theo wouldn't be here without Ellie, wouldn't be safe without his fairy sister and I would go through every bit of pain again for her. Not that she caused pain, the ARPKD did but her little brother is sure causing me some pain in 3rd trimester, little bugger!
All I know is it's different this time and that can't be a bad thing. It's just different. So roll on September!
Monday 2 July 2012
Hello 10 week countdown!
And of course, we are here in 3rd trimester, which is the tri of incredibly mixed feelings. It's the weeks where I worry more but we also get more excited. At minimum, its a 10 week wait til term and if he doesn't come out til a planned section, at most, 12 and a half weeks so not long at all. Three months will fly by. I am starting to struggle with sleep at night and things and it's really difficult bending over but I'm managing. It's much easier now that everything is nearly sorted for Theo being here. I'm going to start thinking about packing hospital bags and birth plans and things this week!
Thursday 28 June 2012
Braxton hicks drama
My oh My, was in such a panic! Turns out it was gas pain and stretching pain combined I think rather than braxton hicks but it was enough to make me a little bit sick and not sleep for ages. Pretty sure that must be code for 'have a party Theo' because he did exactly that haha and he is still going this morning. There is going to be some serious sleep training going on from October! I'm really quite sore this morning but the pain did leave eventually. Think I need to get my pregnancy pillow back out and give myself a lot of support in bed now.
4D scan is in 2 days time woohoo!
4D scan is in 2 days time woohoo!
Monday 18 June 2012
Glossing the nest
Last week, we had all the flat glossed (there is a tiny bit of emulsioning left to be done but all in all, the flat is virtually fully decorated). It was the singlemost stressful week this year for sure. For one thing, we got a friend of Lee's in who doesn't drive so I had to do all the picking up and dropping off. He doesn't bring lunch, and thus, I was providing food, not to mention all my juice was gone at the end of the week, and he has got paint all over the carpets, which Lee has had to get out with turpentine. It took Lee hours to clean the kitchen. What a joke.
Anyway, it's done now and we have all our new bedroom furniture. The nursery/bedroom is starting to look amazing, and although Theo's wall stickers and bed in a bag aren't here yet, I made up the cot with his sheet, mobile, a crocheted blanket and his soft toys. So unbelievably sweet. I'm hoping to not have to do any baby shopping post 30 weeks.
My 4D scan is less than 2 weeks away and my next hospital scan is 12 days after that so we are seeing a lot of Theo soon. He is getting big and active and it's really lush. It's amazing the difference this time in instinct too, for example, I am nesting like crazy and hate breaks in my loose routine.
I get sad lots that it couldn't be like this last time and I still feel guilty for being so excited for Theo when I couldn't be for Ellie. Having him healthy and safe to date makes me realise the pregnancy I didn't have last time but I am just not taking him for granted when he is such a special present from my Ellie-phant.
Anyway, it's done now and we have all our new bedroom furniture. The nursery/bedroom is starting to look amazing, and although Theo's wall stickers and bed in a bag aren't here yet, I made up the cot with his sheet, mobile, a crocheted blanket and his soft toys. So unbelievably sweet. I'm hoping to not have to do any baby shopping post 30 weeks.
My 4D scan is less than 2 weeks away and my next hospital scan is 12 days after that so we are seeing a lot of Theo soon. He is getting big and active and it's really lush. It's amazing the difference this time in instinct too, for example, I am nesting like crazy and hate breaks in my loose routine.
I get sad lots that it couldn't be like this last time and I still feel guilty for being so excited for Theo when I couldn't be for Ellie. Having him healthy and safe to date makes me realise the pregnancy I didn't have last time but I am just not taking him for granted when he is such a special present from my Ellie-phant.
Saturday 9 June 2012
Viable!
In 1 hour and 10 minutes, Theo becomes viable. Wow, 24 weeks already. The relief is that I'm not at risk of premmie labour though after my swab yesterday. I didn't think I would be but it is good to know.
Theo-zilla is estimated 1.4lbs which is about 58th centile for gestation. What a little beast. It was great seeing his little face and watching him swallow but we are pretty sure profile wise he looks like Lee. We hope to find out in 3 weeks as our 4D scan is booked for June 30th and then my next Dr Mckenzie appointment is July 12th. I'm at the midwife a week on wednesday so lots of meetings. I love my doctor, she is really good so I'm starting to have a little bit more confidence being back at my local hospital.
As we get further on, movements are getting more frequent and strong and I love it. I get a fair bit of acid and tire so easily but you know what? My pregnancy is really easy and even the sickness pleased me originally because it was a sign of a strong baby. My friends have had it worse and I'm just grateful to be here.
Lee has now painted our bedroom and the furniture will be sorted next week so our bedroom/nursery is gonna be gorgeous. Putting a deposit down for 2013's holiday soon too. Exciting! Back off to Marmaris in Turkey, which will be amazing.
Theo-zilla is estimated 1.4lbs which is about 58th centile for gestation. What a little beast. It was great seeing his little face and watching him swallow but we are pretty sure profile wise he looks like Lee. We hope to find out in 3 weeks as our 4D scan is booked for June 30th and then my next Dr Mckenzie appointment is July 12th. I'm at the midwife a week on wednesday so lots of meetings. I love my doctor, she is really good so I'm starting to have a little bit more confidence being back at my local hospital.
As we get further on, movements are getting more frequent and strong and I love it. I get a fair bit of acid and tire so easily but you know what? My pregnancy is really easy and even the sickness pleased me originally because it was a sign of a strong baby. My friends have had it worse and I'm just grateful to be here.
Lee has now painted our bedroom and the furniture will be sorted next week so our bedroom/nursery is gonna be gorgeous. Putting a deposit down for 2013's holiday soon too. Exciting! Back off to Marmaris in Turkey, which will be amazing.
Thursday 31 May 2012
Chunky bump
How fat am I haha? This is 22 weeks of Theo goodness.
Life is busy busy busy. I'm studying some genetics at the minute and my word, however interesting, it is weighty! That said, I have been working hard and that is all that matters.
Theo is moving lots now and I have a scan next week so I can't wait to see him. Don't get me wrong, there are always nerves before a rainbow scan but getting the 20 week scan out of the way was a big step and now I feel like I can settle between 90-95%. The other 5-10% is birth nerves mostly, I have to say, close enough to worry but far away enough I don't dwell too much.
Believe it or not, my grandad won a bit of money on the lottery ( a decent amount but not a millionaire!) and as Lee and I are getting a cut, as are my mum and aunty, and siblings and cousins, Theo and my cousin's little girl, the two main things we want are a golf membership (for Lee) and a 4d scan (for us both). We also need a couple of bits of furniture for our master bedroom/nursery but the majority is going in savings. I'm just glad we can start work on the nursery soon.
I am getting a lot more acid reflux this time. Not full blown heartburn yet but the little monster has time! I get tired easily as well but all in all, touch wood, I feel well. We have some beautiful toys and clothes for him, so excited to see him in them.
And most importantly, we have 2 lovely kids and we know Ellie is about keeping him safe and encouraging him to be naughty!
Monday 14 May 2012
Theo
Dear little boy blue,
It's 5am and I have been awake since 3.15am. Not because of you but you have kept mummy company since I woke up. I realise now why you won't kick much in the day. That's naughty, it's sleep time! I think you were hungry though so we have just had some peanut butter and honey toast, your favourite food in the whole wide womb!
We went to see you today but you still don't like the camera. I think you are so good looking you don't want to spoil the surprise. Not like your sister, she thought she was on TV! Thanks for flashing your willy though, cheeky monkey. You are a big boy since mummy saw you last, 6 and a half weeks ago.
We can't believe it is only 17-19 weeks til we meet you. You look perfect and have a big swimming pool in there but when you come out here, you have millions of treats and toys. Lots of people want to meet you but they won't get a look in once mummy and daddy get a hold of you! You have more clothes than the two of us and are going to be our little disney man. By the way, you love the muppets, just so you know.
You are making mummy get super fat and you are getting strong now and doing big boy kicks. Not for daddy though. You are definately a mummy's boy but you should play with daddy too as he is the one who will be sneaking you sweeties all the time. I know you are mad because he keeps telling us to stop eating too many sweets and nice things, but it is just so you stay healthy and on the outside, he is the naughty one.
We have lots of plans for you. We are going to read millions of stories, and watch bear in the big blue house and play lots of games. When you get big, we will take you to Legoland and Alton Towers and next year, we want to take you on holiday. Mostly though, we want to give you big snuggles and kissies, until you hit us to get off.
Sorry I haven't played piano for you for a few days, I know you love it. When you are big, you can learn too. Daddy says you have to play football too. I've told him you want to be a doctor but he won't listen! He's a silly sausage but he loves you lots and is excited for playing cars.
Please get big and strong, and try to be more mellow at birth than your drama queen sister. If you have to come out the baby slide, please be quick too! Ellie is being your protector and will snuggle you in your cot when you get here and we will show you all her special things. Stay inside for at least 17 weeks though so you can be a big boy.
We are proud of you and your sister and we love you both millions, to the moon and back.
love,
Mummy
It's 5am and I have been awake since 3.15am. Not because of you but you have kept mummy company since I woke up. I realise now why you won't kick much in the day. That's naughty, it's sleep time! I think you were hungry though so we have just had some peanut butter and honey toast, your favourite food in the whole wide womb!
We went to see you today but you still don't like the camera. I think you are so good looking you don't want to spoil the surprise. Not like your sister, she thought she was on TV! Thanks for flashing your willy though, cheeky monkey. You are a big boy since mummy saw you last, 6 and a half weeks ago.
We can't believe it is only 17-19 weeks til we meet you. You look perfect and have a big swimming pool in there but when you come out here, you have millions of treats and toys. Lots of people want to meet you but they won't get a look in once mummy and daddy get a hold of you! You have more clothes than the two of us and are going to be our little disney man. By the way, you love the muppets, just so you know.
You are making mummy get super fat and you are getting strong now and doing big boy kicks. Not for daddy though. You are definately a mummy's boy but you should play with daddy too as he is the one who will be sneaking you sweeties all the time. I know you are mad because he keeps telling us to stop eating too many sweets and nice things, but it is just so you stay healthy and on the outside, he is the naughty one.
We have lots of plans for you. We are going to read millions of stories, and watch bear in the big blue house and play lots of games. When you get big, we will take you to Legoland and Alton Towers and next year, we want to take you on holiday. Mostly though, we want to give you big snuggles and kissies, until you hit us to get off.
Sorry I haven't played piano for you for a few days, I know you love it. When you are big, you can learn too. Daddy says you have to play football too. I've told him you want to be a doctor but he won't listen! He's a silly sausage but he loves you lots and is excited for playing cars.
Please get big and strong, and try to be more mellow at birth than your drama queen sister. If you have to come out the baby slide, please be quick too! Ellie is being your protector and will snuggle you in your cot when you get here and we will show you all her special things. Stay inside for at least 17 weeks though so you can be a big boy.
We are proud of you and your sister and we love you both millions, to the moon and back.
love,
Mummy
Ellie
Dear Ellie,
It's been just over 15 months since you came into our lives and left and the hardest 15 months of our lives without a doubt. After being ripped apart, physically, mentally and emotionally, I didn't think I would ever see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
Last year, on Father's day, you gave daddy a 4-ball for golf in your own fairy way, and this year, for mother's day, you sent us Theo. I know everytime I worry, you just laugh and nana gives me wrong because you are protecting him, it's just bad habit! He already is different to you: he doesn't like his picture taken! And where I didn't like red meat but you converted me, he has given me garlic bread!
Some days I feel bad, because you must see how excited we are and know that we never had that with you, that you never had a cupboard full of toys and clothes, and things being picked for you left, right and centre. It doesn't mean I love you less than Theo and I hope you know that. It just means you had to help us be better people and now Theo is going to help us.
I know you picked Theo especially for us and you must miss him lots now he isn't in fairyland with you. Everytime he doesn't move and I ask you to tell him to kick so I don't panic, he listens and since he has so much fluid, I'm sure you must climb in and give him cuddles. I already know you told him to like sweeties and naughty food more than broccoli and peas because he won't be my friend when I don't eat peanut butter and honey toast! I can tell he is a mummy's boy where you were a daddy's girl too and he is much more shy with the camera.
Sometimes daddy and I get sad you won't be here to snuggle Theo, and get in trouble for hitting him but you and I were the ones who knew you had to go back to fairyland, weren't we? You didn't want to be sad like the other boys and girls with ARPKD so you asked Theo to come and look after us because you knew he wasn't poorly.
Every minute we think of him, we are thinking of you too and you have been the best little brother protector in the whole world and still are. Please don't ever think we don't love you as much or are forgetting you, we are just making sure we look after Theo like you want us to.
You are the best little girl in the whole wide world and I miss holding your hand and kissing you every day.
Love you millions, bambi.
Mummy x
It's been just over 15 months since you came into our lives and left and the hardest 15 months of our lives without a doubt. After being ripped apart, physically, mentally and emotionally, I didn't think I would ever see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
Last year, on Father's day, you gave daddy a 4-ball for golf in your own fairy way, and this year, for mother's day, you sent us Theo. I know everytime I worry, you just laugh and nana gives me wrong because you are protecting him, it's just bad habit! He already is different to you: he doesn't like his picture taken! And where I didn't like red meat but you converted me, he has given me garlic bread!
Some days I feel bad, because you must see how excited we are and know that we never had that with you, that you never had a cupboard full of toys and clothes, and things being picked for you left, right and centre. It doesn't mean I love you less than Theo and I hope you know that. It just means you had to help us be better people and now Theo is going to help us.
I know you picked Theo especially for us and you must miss him lots now he isn't in fairyland with you. Everytime he doesn't move and I ask you to tell him to kick so I don't panic, he listens and since he has so much fluid, I'm sure you must climb in and give him cuddles. I already know you told him to like sweeties and naughty food more than broccoli and peas because he won't be my friend when I don't eat peanut butter and honey toast! I can tell he is a mummy's boy where you were a daddy's girl too and he is much more shy with the camera.
Sometimes daddy and I get sad you won't be here to snuggle Theo, and get in trouble for hitting him but you and I were the ones who knew you had to go back to fairyland, weren't we? You didn't want to be sad like the other boys and girls with ARPKD so you asked Theo to come and look after us because you knew he wasn't poorly.
Every minute we think of him, we are thinking of you too and you have been the best little brother protector in the whole world and still are. Please don't ever think we don't love you as much or are forgetting you, we are just making sure we look after Theo like you want us to.
You are the best little girl in the whole wide world and I miss holding your hand and kissing you every day.
Love you millions, bambi.
Mummy x
Saturday 21 April 2012
Nesting
The instinct has kicked in early! Decided full flat has to be sorted, decorated, decluttered, etc by the time Theo comes so today we started with the front room. Lee has been painting while I've been carpet cleaning round the house. It's just depressing looking at the clutter and the flat not being 'ours'. So, it has begun!
Tomorrow I am 17 weeks! Only 22 days til my 20 week scan and I cannot wait, despite being horrendously nervous. That is a massive milestone in this pregnancy after last time. Hoping that having it at fetal med will make it easier then I have scans at 23, 28, 32 and 36 weeks. I saw the midwife on Wednesday and the first time I met her, wasn't keen but actually, ow the stress has lifted mostly, I like her a lot. Got to hear my little beast's heartbeat.it's been lovely feeling all his kicks though I get nervous when I don't. I just need to remember he can still hide. I'm also in perfect pregnancy health!
Managed to get the exact same cot we picked with a mattress and protector of my friend, brand new and never used, for £50 rather than the £95 it would have been. Loving it!
Had my first Ellie dream in along time last night. Still finding it hard so trying to let the excitement carry me through. Lots of feelings of guilt but I keep telling myself she sent Theo so to enjoy it. I guess it's never going to be easy :/ but I love both my babies millions.
Tomorrow I am 17 weeks! Only 22 days til my 20 week scan and I cannot wait, despite being horrendously nervous. That is a massive milestone in this pregnancy after last time. Hoping that having it at fetal med will make it easier then I have scans at 23, 28, 32 and 36 weeks. I saw the midwife on Wednesday and the first time I met her, wasn't keen but actually, ow the stress has lifted mostly, I like her a lot. Got to hear my little beast's heartbeat.it's been lovely feeling all his kicks though I get nervous when I don't. I just need to remember he can still hide. I'm also in perfect pregnancy health!
Managed to get the exact same cot we picked with a mattress and protector of my friend, brand new and never used, for £50 rather than the £95 it would have been. Loving it!
Had my first Ellie dream in along time last night. Still finding it hard so trying to let the excitement carry me through. Lots of feelings of guilt but I keep telling myself she sent Theo so to enjoy it. I guess it's never going to be easy :/ but I love both my babies millions.
Thursday 12 April 2012
How do we do it?
Lee and I make delicious babies. Tonight I got my first proper kick. Just one but he's just a little lad in there! For weeks I have been debating movement it's now becoming more defined.
We have picked out all our nursery furniture and theme and it's gorgeous! IKEA is the best! We are also going down the cloth nappy route. Money saving and good for the environment! We are getting modern ones though, not the ones you pin. I have started getting mother and baby magazine and its really good! The advice and articles are great and it has given me great ideas on things to buy and such. I'm already toy shopping and things. I wan Theo to have everything and be well developed. Being a stay at home mummy will be hard but lovely.
Still dealing with a bit of anxiety which will ease when I see the midwife on wed and she listens to bumpzilla.
Missing Ellie lots, especially knowing he is healthy and she wasn't but I also know she sent him so wants us to be happy. Getting the balance isn't easy when hormonal. I'm sad I will never see them together. Just trying to be strong for Theo.
We have picked out all our nursery furniture and theme and it's gorgeous! IKEA is the best! We are also going down the cloth nappy route. Money saving and good for the environment! We are getting modern ones though, not the ones you pin. I have started getting mother and baby magazine and its really good! The advice and articles are great and it has given me great ideas on things to buy and such. I'm already toy shopping and things. I wan Theo to have everything and be well developed. Being a stay at home mummy will be hard but lovely.
Still dealing with a bit of anxiety which will ease when I see the midwife on wed and she listens to bumpzilla.
Missing Ellie lots, especially knowing he is healthy and she wasn't but I also know she sent him so wants us to be happy. Getting the balance isn't easy when hormonal. I'm sad I will never see them together. Just trying to be strong for Theo.
Thursday 5 April 2012
The grass isn't always greener.
This past year, I have felt angry and bitter and wondered 'why me' more times than I can count and I never started to grieve properly til I got pregnant again. One thing that has always got me through though is thinking there are people who are worse off than me.
Everybody complains at times at various things. We all do it. It seems like some people though, it's all they do. And it's not just one person, it's a few. Sometimes you just want to shake them and say you have your health, you have a roof over your head, plenty of food, warmth and shelter and yet it's still not good enough?
One of my heroes is a 17 year old girl called Jodie. She has Ehlers Danlos syndrome and one of the most severe cases. Her digestive system doesn't work at all. She has no bowel. She can't eat. She is going to die. Jodie doesn't know if she'll see 25, 20 or even 18 and yet all she ever hopes is that she doesn't get an infection in her central line because it could be devastating. She never complains despite facing the scariest thing I know. Then there's all the PKD kids I know who deal with so much pain and illness and never know what's coming.
The fact of the matter is, I'm pissed Ellie isn't here but we have been given a second chance and I thank the universe every single night for how lucky I am, not only for him but for the roof over my head and the food I eat. We don't have much money right now but we pay our bills and get stuff for our son and that suits me fine. I also know, the kindest thing happened to Ellie. It doesn't ease the pain much but I know it's right.
The world isn't a bad place because you don't always get your way when you demand it. And most often they don't get their own way because they use people or talk to them like crap or live on cloud cuckoo and think things just fall from the sky.
If you have all the basic elements of life, food, warmth, shelter, health and love, then you are luckier than those being raped, murdered, starving and dying of Aids, suffering from cancer, being abused by their parents. But if the world is such a bad place, why don't you swap with one of them and I bet you'll know where the grass is greener.
Everybody complains at times at various things. We all do it. It seems like some people though, it's all they do. And it's not just one person, it's a few. Sometimes you just want to shake them and say you have your health, you have a roof over your head, plenty of food, warmth and shelter and yet it's still not good enough?
One of my heroes is a 17 year old girl called Jodie. She has Ehlers Danlos syndrome and one of the most severe cases. Her digestive system doesn't work at all. She has no bowel. She can't eat. She is going to die. Jodie doesn't know if she'll see 25, 20 or even 18 and yet all she ever hopes is that she doesn't get an infection in her central line because it could be devastating. She never complains despite facing the scariest thing I know. Then there's all the PKD kids I know who deal with so much pain and illness and never know what's coming.
The fact of the matter is, I'm pissed Ellie isn't here but we have been given a second chance and I thank the universe every single night for how lucky I am, not only for him but for the roof over my head and the food I eat. We don't have much money right now but we pay our bills and get stuff for our son and that suits me fine. I also know, the kindest thing happened to Ellie. It doesn't ease the pain much but I know it's right.
The world isn't a bad place because you don't always get your way when you demand it. And most often they don't get their own way because they use people or talk to them like crap or live on cloud cuckoo and think things just fall from the sky.
If you have all the basic elements of life, food, warmth, shelter, health and love, then you are luckier than those being raped, murdered, starving and dying of Aids, suffering from cancer, being abused by their parents. But if the world is such a bad place, why don't you swap with one of them and I bet you'll know where the grass is greener.
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Expecting karma
I hope some good karma is coming our way as I am working my backside off the help lots of people.
Between the boxes, helping people who need premature clothing, charities that need knitted goods (since Sam is a crocheting machine lol) and lending my micro out, I'm pretty sure it's due. However, I did get a call back from a golf club about a summer bar job today. It's not loads of hours which is ideal, he knows I'm pregnant and still wants me to go in and it's more money for Theo and clearing bills and debts. Fingers crossed tonight goes well!
Piano and flute exam this Friday. Oh sweet jeebus! Gonna practice today. Less worried for piano than flute but piano is the important one.
I missed a call from genetics on Monday and gill wasn't in yesterday so been worrying a little bit. I know it's about the full report but just got scared that they had made a PKD mistake or have found something else. Highly unlikely though so just gotta wait for a call back. It's also my '12 week' scan tomorrow at the wansbeck and I feel sick. I'm sure I have felt Theo squirming and stuff but like with Ellie, I just can't be sure right now and I am terrified something has happened, though once again, I'm sure it's fine. I'll just be glad to get there and see him. Rainbow pregnancies are so hard.
Between the boxes, helping people who need premature clothing, charities that need knitted goods (since Sam is a crocheting machine lol) and lending my micro out, I'm pretty sure it's due. However, I did get a call back from a golf club about a summer bar job today. It's not loads of hours which is ideal, he knows I'm pregnant and still wants me to go in and it's more money for Theo and clearing bills and debts. Fingers crossed tonight goes well!
Piano and flute exam this Friday. Oh sweet jeebus! Gonna practice today. Less worried for piano than flute but piano is the important one.
I missed a call from genetics on Monday and gill wasn't in yesterday so been worrying a little bit. I know it's about the full report but just got scared that they had made a PKD mistake or have found something else. Highly unlikely though so just gotta wait for a call back. It's also my '12 week' scan tomorrow at the wansbeck and I feel sick. I'm sure I have felt Theo squirming and stuff but like with Ellie, I just can't be sure right now and I am terrified something has happened, though once again, I'm sure it's fine. I'll just be glad to get there and see him. Rainbow pregnancies are so hard.
Wednesday 21 March 2012
Baking babies is exhausting
I could just sleep all day long! I have just practiced my flute for next weeks exams and I feel like I've ran a marathon!
I saw Theo on Monday for the first time since the CVS. By the time I see him next week I will have seen him every week for a month and this week he looked so much bigger! He was camera shy, turned over as soon as the sonographer started but he did have a few jump abouts.
We've started buying a few bits and bobs. He certainly isn't going to run out of newborn or 0-3 size clothes, we have lots already! I've started buying 3-6. You can never be too prepared with a baby and with toiletries, Lee and I use baby products too so nothing will get wasted.
The big decision is the VBAC vs repeat C-section debate. I can't be induced because after a section, induction increases your risk of uterine rupture x 12 which is about 5% I think. Hospitals, naturally aren't keen to do it. I feel a bit like people are pressuring me into a natural birth which isn't fair really because I have to do what is right for Theo and I and I don't think waiting til 42 weeks if he takes that long is the right thing to do. If I labour then need a section it comes with more complications and a lot of VBACs end in section anyway. However, I have made a compromise decision to myself. I am booking for a section but if Theo comes before the 39 weeks, I will try and do it naturally. I can't warrant going past the 39 weeks as it isn't always safe and 39 weeks is the best time for an elective section. The good news is, speaking the my PKD mums, pretty much all their healthy children came at term, rather than premmie, as many PKD babies do so my belief for Ellie's early entrance seems to be well founded.
Lee did a 20 mile bike ride Saturday past for charity and did really well. Now we are preparing for our fancy dress night but are doing some things during the day too. No wonder I am tired!
Mothers day was lovely by the way :)
I saw Theo on Monday for the first time since the CVS. By the time I see him next week I will have seen him every week for a month and this week he looked so much bigger! He was camera shy, turned over as soon as the sonographer started but he did have a few jump abouts.
We've started buying a few bits and bobs. He certainly isn't going to run out of newborn or 0-3 size clothes, we have lots already! I've started buying 3-6. You can never be too prepared with a baby and with toiletries, Lee and I use baby products too so nothing will get wasted.
The big decision is the VBAC vs repeat C-section debate. I can't be induced because after a section, induction increases your risk of uterine rupture x 12 which is about 5% I think. Hospitals, naturally aren't keen to do it. I feel a bit like people are pressuring me into a natural birth which isn't fair really because I have to do what is right for Theo and I and I don't think waiting til 42 weeks if he takes that long is the right thing to do. If I labour then need a section it comes with more complications and a lot of VBACs end in section anyway. However, I have made a compromise decision to myself. I am booking for a section but if Theo comes before the 39 weeks, I will try and do it naturally. I can't warrant going past the 39 weeks as it isn't always safe and 39 weeks is the best time for an elective section. The good news is, speaking the my PKD mums, pretty much all their healthy children came at term, rather than premmie, as many PKD babies do so my belief for Ellie's early entrance seems to be well founded.
Lee did a 20 mile bike ride Saturday past for charity and did really well. Now we are preparing for our fancy dress night but are doing some things during the day too. No wonder I am tired!
Mothers day was lovely by the way :)
Thursday 15 March 2012
A new life
Today brought the amazing news that our little BOY is healthy, not even a carrier. I was already besotted with baby but now we are on cloud 9. All of our prayers and messages to both God and Ellie came true. The chromosome count was perfect too so no downs syndrome etc. We will get the full report in a fortnight.
I'm excited in a way I never was last time and though I won't relax til Theo is here, it's like the weight of the world has been lifted.
For all the joy, we are still desperately sad that Ellie isn't here and I hope she never thinks I am replacing her. I think about her all the time especially how she timed this baby through her birthday, then my CVS on her due date to finding out today, just before mothers day. She is my first, my little fairy and I will talk about her til the day I die but now she has given me a reason to smile and to want to 'move on' and live. I will never stop grieving and Theo will know all about her but this is a new start with our little piglet :)
I'm excited in a way I never was last time and though I won't relax til Theo is here, it's like the weight of the world has been lifted.
For all the joy, we are still desperately sad that Ellie isn't here and I hope she never thinks I am replacing her. I think about her all the time especially how she timed this baby through her birthday, then my CVS on her due date to finding out today, just before mothers day. She is my first, my little fairy and I will talk about her til the day I die but now she has given me a reason to smile and to want to 'move on' and live. I will never stop grieving and Theo will know all about her but this is a new start with our little piglet :)
Monday 12 March 2012
The final stretch
Our CVS is done and now we just have to wait.
I barely slept last night and when we got into the scan room today, I could see the baby right in front of the placenta, which made it unaccessible. Luckily we were given the option of a transvaginal CVS or waiting 2 weeks. The pain of waiting has been so hard so we opted for the vaginal route. They say there is a higher risk of miscarriage at 2% but evidence doesn't prove that. Our midwives and doctor were amazing, so caring and compassionate. I held Ellie's blanket through it since it is her due date after all. The test was like bad period pains but quick. The doctor got the sample out in one and it was quite a large sample she said (though it looked tiny!). So now we wait til Friday or Monday and pray really hard that this baby is the one.
In terms of baby, he/she is growing lovely and they are super active compared to their sister! The dr could barely measure them. I must have a built in mp3 player in my womb!
I barely slept last night and when we got into the scan room today, I could see the baby right in front of the placenta, which made it unaccessible. Luckily we were given the option of a transvaginal CVS or waiting 2 weeks. The pain of waiting has been so hard so we opted for the vaginal route. They say there is a higher risk of miscarriage at 2% but evidence doesn't prove that. Our midwives and doctor were amazing, so caring and compassionate. I held Ellie's blanket through it since it is her due date after all. The test was like bad period pains but quick. The doctor got the sample out in one and it was quite a large sample she said (though it looked tiny!). So now we wait til Friday or Monday and pray really hard that this baby is the one.
In terms of baby, he/she is growing lovely and they are super active compared to their sister! The dr could barely measure them. I must have a built in mp3 player in my womb!
Saturday 10 March 2012
Nearly there
I don't know wether to be relieved or terrified. My CVS is supposed to be Monday though they may put it back a week. My placenta is on the back so it may need to be done cervically rather than abdominally but they aren't sure if they'll wait or not. I know if they wait they are doing it for the right reasons but I just want them to rip of the plaster now, so to speak.
The miscarriage rate is 2% with this test although most of the time it's less if the doctor is really experienced, which ours is. I've considered doing it just by scan but then my options would be carry to term or stillbirth if it went wrong and I considered carrying to term in the event of an adverse diagnosis but I can't do that either. It's not fair to anyone, especially a terribly sick baby. People are often quick to judge, saying they would carry anyway but I saw the agony my child went through. I was there in the room when the cut the cord and she couldn't breathe. I watched her oxygen sats deteriorate and I won't do that again. It's not right.
I do have a good feeling about this baby but at the same time, I won't let myself believe it just in case my heart gets broken again. So, let's hope they do the test this week and put us out of our misery!
The miscarriage rate is 2% with this test although most of the time it's less if the doctor is really experienced, which ours is. I've considered doing it just by scan but then my options would be carry to term or stillbirth if it went wrong and I considered carrying to term in the event of an adverse diagnosis but I can't do that either. It's not fair to anyone, especially a terribly sick baby. People are often quick to judge, saying they would carry anyway but I saw the agony my child went through. I was there in the room when the cut the cord and she couldn't breathe. I watched her oxygen sats deteriorate and I won't do that again. It's not right.
I do have a good feeling about this baby but at the same time, I won't let myself believe it just in case my heart gets broken again. So, let's hope they do the test this week and put us out of our misery!
Saturday 25 February 2012
Velocity
Can't believe how fast time is passing. I am 9 weeks today! My scan is a week on Monday and I am terrified because I know the CVS is then coming and even worse, the results. It's horrible, so ethnic you can't understand unless you are going through or have been through it. It's torture.
I've been feeling really low lately but I've decided this pregnancy, if all is well, I'm not going to try and please everybody else. Why should I? You know, I am always expected to say 'congrats on the new job' or 'well done' on good news to my siblings. I have given them lifts when they have needed them, fought their cases when my parents were unreasonable. And what do I get in return? Nothing, never the same decency. My brothers totally ignored my daughter's birthday and angelversary and my sister think she has a right to tell me how I should feel and cope with this pregnancy when she barely bothers with us and my mum always gives me the grief except, they are the ones who only care about themselves.
I have cried about it but Lee tells me why bother. They aren't worth it. Let's face it, they won't bother about this baby and in actual fact, I don't want them there when he/she is born because if they can't take the rough, they certainly aren't going to be part of the smooth and get to spend time with a baby that at this point they aren't bothered about. And when I get grief for it this time, I won't care, because they brought this on themselves. This baby deserves better than half-arsed.
I've been feeling really low lately but I've decided this pregnancy, if all is well, I'm not going to try and please everybody else. Why should I? You know, I am always expected to say 'congrats on the new job' or 'well done' on good news to my siblings. I have given them lifts when they have needed them, fought their cases when my parents were unreasonable. And what do I get in return? Nothing, never the same decency. My brothers totally ignored my daughter's birthday and angelversary and my sister think she has a right to tell me how I should feel and cope with this pregnancy when she barely bothers with us and my mum always gives me the grief except, they are the ones who only care about themselves.
I have cried about it but Lee tells me why bother. They aren't worth it. Let's face it, they won't bother about this baby and in actual fact, I don't want them there when he/she is born because if they can't take the rough, they certainly aren't going to be part of the smooth and get to spend time with a baby that at this point they aren't bothered about. And when I get grief for it this time, I won't care, because they brought this on themselves. This baby deserves better than half-arsed.
Sunday 19 February 2012
Owie
This pregnancy is full of me being sick, a bad back, period pains, achy legs, exhaustion and pregnancy brain. Much hard than last time!
We had a scan on Thursday just gone and our little monster was looking good in there. A month has passed so quickly and now I am 8 weeks. My RVI scan is 2 weeks on Monday then hopefully the test will be the week after. I am getting more and more terrified.
Luckily, my baby loss mums and friend's are pulling me through. I'm going to the cinema a couple of times and helping with the boxes and bits so it all helps to pass the time.
I keep thinking it's morenthan likely that this baby is fine which is good. I try to ignore the baby sometimes but feel so crap, it's impossible!and still, in my head, I keep making plans for them and debating natural v's c-section. But this time I am doing it all my way, not to suit other people. Last time listening to others nearly resulted in me having a stillbirth.
We had a scan on Thursday just gone and our little monster was looking good in there. A month has passed so quickly and now I am 8 weeks. My RVI scan is 2 weeks on Monday then hopefully the test will be the week after. I am getting more and more terrified.
Luckily, my baby loss mums and friend's are pulling me through. I'm going to the cinema a couple of times and helping with the boxes and bits so it all helps to pass the time.
I keep thinking it's morenthan likely that this baby is fine which is good. I try to ignore the baby sometimes but feel so crap, it's impossible!and still, in my head, I keep making plans for them and debating natural v's c-section. But this time I am doing it all my way, not to suit other people. Last time listening to others nearly resulted in me having a stillbirth.
Wednesday 8 February 2012
3 in 4, 3 in 4
The hard part of this pregnancy is maintaining positivity but more often than not, it appears on it's own.
75% is good. 3 in 4. I know so many people who have have 2nd or even 3rd children who are fine. I know one woman who had 2 healthy sons before she lost one. So, for now, I am feeling good.
I must admit, coming off my anti-depressants, while I have very little anxiety, has left me with a mild depression for now though I believe this is temporary. I am starting to make myself do things to break out of it. It's not easy though because I feel terrible, with a minor cold and morning sickness, sensitive skin, etc. Don't remember last pregnancy being so miserable but it's ok if my baby is healthy. I am totally off healthy food too. Great for snack companies, not great for my waist!
My 4Ellie-phant boxes seem to be helping people which makes me really happy too. I gave one to a friend who had a premmie baby, she was so happy with it and once has been sent to a little boy with renal disease today. Hope they like theirs!
75% is good. 3 in 4. I know so many people who have have 2nd or even 3rd children who are fine. I know one woman who had 2 healthy sons before she lost one. So, for now, I am feeling good.
I must admit, coming off my anti-depressants, while I have very little anxiety, has left me with a mild depression for now though I believe this is temporary. I am starting to make myself do things to break out of it. It's not easy though because I feel terrible, with a minor cold and morning sickness, sensitive skin, etc. Don't remember last pregnancy being so miserable but it's ok if my baby is healthy. I am totally off healthy food too. Great for snack companies, not great for my waist!
My 4Ellie-phant boxes seem to be helping people which makes me really happy too. I gave one to a friend who had a premmie baby, she was so happy with it and once has been sent to a little boy with renal disease today. Hope they like theirs!
Monday 6 February 2012
Scanned
My baby is alive, which was lovely to see first thing this morning. Give or take 5 days I am 5 weeks and 6 days burst this stage it is not very accurate. Only one baby that they can see, phew!
If course, Lee is foaming now because we had our happiness ruined by a 'supportive' family member who thinks they have a clue about this pregnancy. I know everybody feels loss for Ellie. However, this is our baby, nobody else's and if we want to tell people about it, it is our choice. We are happy but realistic and we wanted it out in the open for support because I felt under a lot of pressure and wasn't coping very well. Well apparently that is how it should be or I have to rely on family and close friend's. Family that never bother wi me unless it suits them or think a text is adequate. Family who judge us for our choices in a pregnancy that they know nothing about.
So I apologise for not keeping this baby a dirty little secret in case it is unhealthy. Incidentally, if I couldn't have the CVS, like my friend Nancy and had to do it by scan, people would have noticed at 13 or 14 weeks. I apologise for getting support from people other than family, since you know, they actually bother with me.
No worries. I'm sure said family will be excited and wanting to be round all the time when this baby is healthy and born. Except then, it will be too late and they will wish they hadn't made a judgement when they don't have a clue how it feels.
If course, Lee is foaming now because we had our happiness ruined by a 'supportive' family member who thinks they have a clue about this pregnancy. I know everybody feels loss for Ellie. However, this is our baby, nobody else's and if we want to tell people about it, it is our choice. We are happy but realistic and we wanted it out in the open for support because I felt under a lot of pressure and wasn't coping very well. Well apparently that is how it should be or I have to rely on family and close friend's. Family that never bother wi me unless it suits them or think a text is adequate. Family who judge us for our choices in a pregnancy that they know nothing about.
So I apologise for not keeping this baby a dirty little secret in case it is unhealthy. Incidentally, if I couldn't have the CVS, like my friend Nancy and had to do it by scan, people would have noticed at 13 or 14 weeks. I apologise for getting support from people other than family, since you know, they actually bother with me.
No worries. I'm sure said family will be excited and wanting to be round all the time when this baby is healthy and born. Except then, it will be too late and they will wish they hadn't made a judgement when they don't have a clue how it feels.
Sunday 5 February 2012
Happy birthday Ellie
I can hardly believe a year has passed but one year ago at 10.24pm tonight, Ellie came into the world and changed my life.
We had some little cakes and have sent her a balloon. Her birthday present isn't finished yet but it won't be too long. I am also planning to make a window box full of flowers for her as our kitchen windows really big.
Most of all for her birthday, I thank her for the little baby in my belly but pray that she keeps her brother or sister safe and healthy.
We had some little cakes and have sent her a balloon. Her birthday present isn't finished yet but it won't be too long. I am also planning to make a window box full of flowers for her as our kitchen windows really big.
Most of all for her birthday, I thank her for the little baby in my belly but pray that she keeps her brother or sister safe and healthy.
Sunday 1 January 2012
Happy new year
And so the best and worst year of my life is over. The year I gave birth to my beautiful little fairy, only to have her cruelly snatched away.
I hope this year is better. I hope it brings a pregnancy that we don't have to end so we can be the parents we so desperately want to be. We love each other so much and have millions more love to give.
I hope that horrible things stop happening to good people, that the economy picks up and wars slow down. And also that Korea doesn't go mental with nuclear weapons. I hope I live to see 2013 and don't actually have bowel cancer.
My resolutions are to lose weight, to do well with charity piano and flute and to combat my anxiety. Not a lot to ask really.
I hope this year is better. I hope it brings a pregnancy that we don't have to end so we can be the parents we so desperately want to be. We love each other so much and have millions more love to give.
I hope that horrible things stop happening to good people, that the economy picks up and wars slow down. And also that Korea doesn't go mental with nuclear weapons. I hope I live to see 2013 and don't actually have bowel cancer.
My resolutions are to lose weight, to do well with charity piano and flute and to combat my anxiety. Not a lot to ask really.
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