Monday 25 November 2013

Toddler-ville

I really cannot believe it's almost Xmas again! I am SOOOOOO excited haha, like a big kid. Theo won't really understand much but he likes toys so it is going to be really fun.

Theo is the universe to me more and more everyday. He is so funny and smart, I'm so proud he is mine. That is not to say he isn't a monkey though! He has a proper little defiant look when he is is reprimanded! He is getting more affectionate, not only with family and friends, but his cuddly toys too and he even kisses the characters in his stories. His walking is really good and running too, and he can climb up on the chairs (and jump on them too, little bugger!). He says a handful of words, like dog, car, mammy, daddy, grandad, hiya and responds to instructions like clap, or if I tell him to get his book for story time. He loves Mickey mouse and dancing, and still loves to play piano. Yesterday, I think he cottoned on to his reflection for the first time and got really excited about that. He is a ball of 14 month old perfection. You just have to have eyes in the back of your head for when he is dashing up the stairs or grabbing something he shouldn't. I love walking with him as he holds his little hand out to me, and his hand is so small and lovely in mine. He is my peach.

The other man in my life is 38 today and I love him more than ever too. I have spoiled him for Xmas and am so excited to give him (and everyone else) their presents!! I love xmas apart from the obvious exception. I often don't think about Ellie in terms of what actually happened. It's almost as if she is a fictional character in my head sometimes, everything happened so quickly but it has started to creep into my head a lot lately and make me sad but also face things. Maybe a lot of my grief has been repressed and is starting to crack through. My last thing to do is to get her notes from the RVI. I want to read them so it becomes a bit more real. I think it will give me closure. Part of me still can't believe the fact I had a baby and watched her die. I think it has been repressed a lot but I need to just think about it and cry when I need to. I miss her so much. Theo hasn't replaced her, he is a different child so I still need to allow myself the grief to honour my little girl.

Other than being sad for reasons I should be sad, I have been feeling really happy lately and less anxious by far. I am also madly in love with music again, on piano, flute, cello, singing, whatever. I am doing a little bit of teaching which I love, I have a new baby grand piano and lots of possibilities for the future. The anxiety is never gone 100% but it is much more manageable. My job is going OK too but I miss being with Theo a lot more and sales is sometimes a bit intense.

My degree is going well. Music tech is really interesting and a big challenge as it is all new to me. Due an assignment back soon, actually, hope I've done well.

And now, I need to sleep!