Wednesday 29 April 2015

Results are almost here


My CVS happened on Monday. It is one of the most soul destroying things I have ever had to do (both times). I am not concerned about the Doctor putting the needle in, she is so experienced and the miscarriage rates have changed regarding this procedure so that doesn't concern me but knowing that you are there to potentially take that child's life away depending on the results? That is haunting. Even worse is knowing it isn't a 'likely to be one-off' such as down's syndrome but a built in part of your reproductive life, if you don't want to suffer horrendously 30 weeks down the line anyway.

The test was painful this time. I am not sorry that the Dr had to go in cervically because I just dread the thought of it through my stomach but I honestly felt like that huge needle was stabbing into my spine and rectum. Not pleasant at all, it was so sharp. However, it was easy for them to do and it was done in 2 minutes. I did feel like someone had jumped on my uterus for the rest of the day.

We are lucky in the wait, in that for us, it takes 4-5 days. The rest of the U.K and world is mostly 7-21 days depending. Our genetics labs etc are 'in-house' about a mile from the hospital. That said, the wait has still been sickening, the hours are dragging and I can feel myself weakening. I have very little left to give. Our earliest results (and our team are pretty good so good chance of this) will be tomorrow night between 4-5pm. How do I answer that phone call? I am already having palpitations just thinking about it, I feel sick.

In my deeper being, I feel this baby is healthy but I also doubt myself. Did I really know Ellie was ill from the beginning, that that pregnancy wasn't going to end well or did I just have anxiety? Did I really know Theo was healthy or did I have to make myself believe that to get through the day? I don't know anymore. I never really 'saw' Ellie in my future like I did with Theo but I see this child there and I don't know if its desperation or intuition.

So let's hope its 26 hours and not 50 as it could be, to put us out of our misery. I have 2 potential appointments next week, one is my 12 week scan, or  I could be scheduled in for a termination.

Please Ellie, let us keep this one and I will ask for no more children. My little boy just needs a sibling on Earth :(

Wednesday 22 April 2015

Who said time flies?!


I went for my CVS on Monday but it couldn't be done, the placenta was too thin. I have to return on Monday coming and the wait is becoming more and more suffocating.

I quite frankly do not know what I am more scared of. I know the CVS is going to be trans-abdominal now rather than cervical like last time so I have a giant f*** off needle going to go through my belly and uterus. That is pretty bad. Then I have to wait the 4 days to be told wether this child is going to live or die, depending on disease status. And if the worst happens? I have to pick how best to get this baby out and grieve and be expected to live my life as normal having lost 2 babies. And then potentially 3, or 4 or 5 depending on how the Russian Roulette falls.

Every day I get up and I do it for my son and the 75% chance that this baby is ok. Anyone reading this is like 75%? That's loads. It seems that way until you have been in the 25% let me tell you and in my networks, when people have had 3 in a row with ARPKD, it suddenly doesn't seem as great a chance. It just seems like shit genetics from our side.

And so I wait, and pray the guardian angels are on my side