More goodbyes

I come here less and less it seems but once again, I am back on this roller coaster.

I am nearly 10 weeks pregnant. I am so glad it happened quickly if only for the reason I got to say goodbye to the doctor who made me brave enough to do this however many times it takes, took away the fear of my termination last time, and made me realise we aren't just numbers to these doctors. Sometimes, they do care. I don't ever make a secret of what I think of the NHS maternity care round here….being a very complex case, our care has been superb but these guys at the RVI in Newcastle, they are a special breed. You don't get better. So when I turned up on Monday for my pre-CVS dating scan and they told me the ever worshipped Dr S. Macphail (I use names in case, on the off chance they ever google themselves, they will know how much of a difference they made to me) was retiring, I promptly burst into tears on the spot. Of course, this is me, who when I fell pregnant with Theo, was indignant at being given this unknown doctor instead of Prof. Robson, but nevertheless, she was the strength and bravery giver of my last pregnancy. Anyway, this means I am pitching up on the 2nd Sept to have a CVS (through my stomach no less, cue the nightmares) with the head of all of women's services in the RVI/Newcastle trust. So, the best then. The only thing is, the last time I saw the guy, he was telling me my daughter had ARPKD and all the other blindsiders that came with it.

I had coped fine until Monday. Now I'm in shock a bit because in 3 weeks time, I could be losing my 3rd baby (well, 4th but 3rd potential loss). And that might be the 3rd loss of a potential however many. I haven't really allowed myself to believe we will hit the 75% because what is the point? It must be so nice to be able to accept people's congratulations instead of saying 'well actually I might not be having a baby' or to not have people expecting you to hush hush your pregnancies as if it is shameful up to a point where told otherwise. I really wonder what that is like, genuinely (not said with any sarcasm but true questioning).

So for now, we carry on because we are made of metal. And each time it happens, people will continue to care a little less, just think 'why do they bother' or make me feel a little bit more ashamed that I would do it again. But I don't need any of those people because I have team RVI Foetal med on my side and when they come back wanting the joyful bit, I will see through them.

This disease will not break me.