I really do need 8 days a week!
Got offered a trial period of 6 months in a telesales job which seemed ok. I start tomorrow and I know that will be a bit boring as it is mostly listening in on calls and things but training starts the day after that, on Thursday. It's good because the job seems fine, lots of talking on the phone to customers obviously and computer work, obviously for ordering and stuff. That and we need the money. I'm just not sure if I'm going to get time to sleep what with everything else that I've got going.
My piano exam is less than two weeks away unless Claire can get me moved to Morpeth (I've decided to take it as I will be doing the exam on the 14th). I am not ready. Nearly there but hoping I can be sorted by 14th. Not even needing a Merit, a pass would do after everything I've been through, although the perfectionist in me will die inside a bit. I can't worry about that right now.
When am I going to fit my study in??!! ARGH!
Tuesday 31 May 2011
Sunday 29 May 2011
Overwhelmed
So much going on. Just places to go and things and I really hate it when it is in the middle of the day because it makes it hard to settle into doing anything in the morning and afternoon!
My Uncle Tony died this week. They say it comes in threes, and so it has been my nana, then Ellie then uncle Tony. I couldn't get to my nana's funeral because I was in my tumultous pregnancy period so I'm hoping to make it to Manchester this time but I will have to see. It is really dependant on what happens with this job trial on Tuesday.
The date came for my piano exam too. June 14th , oh my! Not ready yet! I will never plan to go to Newcastle for a piano exam again as the Morpeth dates are later. Hoping Claire can get me moved to Morpeth or praying for a miracle.
The anxiety has lifted a little bit for the past couple of days to cut me some slack at least.
I always ask Lee to tickle my back and I was half asleep the other day and felt him doing it. Except it wasn't him. I think Ellie came to snuggle.
My Uncle Tony died this week. They say it comes in threes, and so it has been my nana, then Ellie then uncle Tony. I couldn't get to my nana's funeral because I was in my tumultous pregnancy period so I'm hoping to make it to Manchester this time but I will have to see. It is really dependant on what happens with this job trial on Tuesday.
The date came for my piano exam too. June 14th , oh my! Not ready yet! I will never plan to go to Newcastle for a piano exam again as the Morpeth dates are later. Hoping Claire can get me moved to Morpeth or praying for a miracle.
The anxiety has lifted a little bit for the past couple of days to cut me some slack at least.
I always ask Lee to tickle my back and I was half asleep the other day and felt him doing it. Except it wasn't him. I think Ellie came to snuggle.
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Change in the directing of the wind?
I have a job interview for an automotive sales company in a town near me on Thursday. I rang yesterday and then had a missed call so they rang back today. I am really hoping this could work as it is full time with comission (a-woot!). The guy on the phone sounded really nice and it's a local company so it sounds really good. Not a lot of people's kind of thing but I want a job where I can make some new friends, work hard and have a bit of stability.
I did some exercise this morning! Only 10 minutes but I have to start somewhere. I am trying to improve my mental health and get fit and slim down for the wedding/honeymoon. The headaches that were bothering me, I notice, improve in various positions and keep moving about my head so thinking they could be muscular, tension related too. I'm trying to rationalise things rather than lying in a depression. I dunno how long it will work for but I'm trying.
Got loads to do today, study wise etc too but I am super motivated!
Love you Ellie x
I did some exercise this morning! Only 10 minutes but I have to start somewhere. I am trying to improve my mental health and get fit and slim down for the wedding/honeymoon. The headaches that were bothering me, I notice, improve in various positions and keep moving about my head so thinking they could be muscular, tension related too. I'm trying to rationalise things rather than lying in a depression. I dunno how long it will work for but I'm trying.
Got loads to do today, study wise etc too but I am super motivated!
Love you Ellie x
Sunday 22 May 2011
Sore thumb
This is what happens when you don't hold your pen properly and make chem notes all day! Just been looking at past papers of unit 1....fairly do-able! Pretty sure if I'm making notes and not concentrating but still picking things up, I can get at least a B. This module is only foundation Chem so one would hope. Takes ages to do my notes because with Science, I need to write them for all the superscript numbers, diagrams, formulas, etc. At least for Psycho, I can type them! The chapter I am onto at the moment is all formulas and stuff which I quite like. What a nerd but that is a good thing!
I haven't been as tired as usual today either, maybe because I haven't been sat in front of the computer like normal. Much easier to focus on a book!
I really wish I had my baby and no time to study :(
I haven't been as tired as usual today either, maybe because I haven't been sat in front of the computer like normal. Much easier to focus on a book!
I really wish I had my baby and no time to study :(
Saturday 21 May 2011
Work, work, work, and an RVI letter
Taking a break after several hours spent on German. Got piano and Chem to go next. I'm focusing on unit one chem til all my notes are done, then will do bio then psycho. Step by step. It seems like a lot to be doing but I'm sure its worth it.
Just got a letter from the RVI, saying if they can find PKHD1 gene mutation on Ellie, we can have the CVS, woot. It would be such a weight off knowing that although terminating is a horrible option, a still birth is so much worse. SO much worse. I won't be attached to that baby at 13 weeks though I will struggle with stopping a heartbeat should the baby have ARPKD. We are waiting for a letter with an appointment to go to the centre for life. It's scary because it's our life but will be interesting to see what a genetic counsellor does.
Back to work, argh!
Just got a letter from the RVI, saying if they can find PKHD1 gene mutation on Ellie, we can have the CVS, woot. It would be such a weight off knowing that although terminating is a horrible option, a still birth is so much worse. SO much worse. I won't be attached to that baby at 13 weeks though I will struggle with stopping a heartbeat should the baby have ARPKD. We are waiting for a letter with an appointment to go to the centre for life. It's scary because it's our life but will be interesting to see what a genetic counsellor does.
Back to work, argh!
Friday 20 May 2011
Motivation
I really need to lose weight before my wedding. And I need to make the invitation list!
However, at least I have been motivated workwise. I have been catching up on my open uni German work, doing half a theme a day so really, I'm doing a fair bit of work on it. I want to submit my 2 late TMAs next week (I had extra time for obvious reasons) then get the others done early so I can really crack on with the Chem, psycho, and bio. I'm still only making notes on the first part of unit 1 of chem but I am actually getting it! Me, with the D at GCSE chem!!! I know its going to get a lot harder so getting the basics is a triumph for me. My lovely friend, Gem, have me one of her old books as well which has loads of questions in to test yourself so in addition to my past papers, it will help me because the more practice, the better you get!
This is also true of piano. I never realised how much I memorise the music which is actually much better for me because I often get lost reading the music. Bizarrely, I can't memorise my flute music very much. I may be ready for this exam in time, given that it is still only May and the exam will be in July. One piece is sorted, and the other two, I am still learning but getting there bit by bit. I really need to work on my technical skills before grade 7 which I am fully dedicated to doing. Especially as my aim is to do the exam next March. never let it be said I am not ambitious. Ellie has renewed me with a desire to be the best, something I feel I lost when I left school at 19. I produced the most amazing child with Lee, so I need to live up to her now, to achieve things to make her proud. Everything I do, I can look up at the stars and say, look what mummy did.
We have also talked about the next baby. We often say, sometimes we just feel like going for it. We'd like to see if we'll be offered the CVS test. An ARPKD mum friend of mine is 16 weeks pregnant and being monitored just by scan. The bravery of that astounds me but we may have no other option and I know Prof. Robson says it can be picked up early when they are specifically looking for it. A big issue for me right now though is also my anxiety. I need to be well and stable before a baby and right now, my fears have flared up again. It could be because I have doubled my dose of citalopram as a minor side-effect or it could be the increased one sided headaches with mild brow bone pain (which could be anxiety or not, who knows). I guess parts of me thinks, yes these fears could be true but to be fair, my first fear was infertility, the pre-eclampsia, c-section death, haemmorrhage, DVTs, tumours, aneurysms, heart failure, MS, etc etc and to date, none have been true. In fact, I'm pretty healthy and I'm probably 1) causing a lot of these symptoms and 2)just hypersensitive to every niggle and twinge. It doesn't make it easier though since I can't control chemical imbalances in my brai, that is what the tablets are for. People keep telling me because of what I have been through and charity work, etc, I am an inspiration but really, other people have been through this and are so much stronger, braver, less mental than me. I'm not an inspiration. I'm just a really good actress.
However, at least I have been motivated workwise. I have been catching up on my open uni German work, doing half a theme a day so really, I'm doing a fair bit of work on it. I want to submit my 2 late TMAs next week (I had extra time for obvious reasons) then get the others done early so I can really crack on with the Chem, psycho, and bio. I'm still only making notes on the first part of unit 1 of chem but I am actually getting it! Me, with the D at GCSE chem!!! I know its going to get a lot harder so getting the basics is a triumph for me. My lovely friend, Gem, have me one of her old books as well which has loads of questions in to test yourself so in addition to my past papers, it will help me because the more practice, the better you get!
This is also true of piano. I never realised how much I memorise the music which is actually much better for me because I often get lost reading the music. Bizarrely, I can't memorise my flute music very much. I may be ready for this exam in time, given that it is still only May and the exam will be in July. One piece is sorted, and the other two, I am still learning but getting there bit by bit. I really need to work on my technical skills before grade 7 which I am fully dedicated to doing. Especially as my aim is to do the exam next March. never let it be said I am not ambitious. Ellie has renewed me with a desire to be the best, something I feel I lost when I left school at 19. I produced the most amazing child with Lee, so I need to live up to her now, to achieve things to make her proud. Everything I do, I can look up at the stars and say, look what mummy did.
We have also talked about the next baby. We often say, sometimes we just feel like going for it. We'd like to see if we'll be offered the CVS test. An ARPKD mum friend of mine is 16 weeks pregnant and being monitored just by scan. The bravery of that astounds me but we may have no other option and I know Prof. Robson says it can be picked up early when they are specifically looking for it. A big issue for me right now though is also my anxiety. I need to be well and stable before a baby and right now, my fears have flared up again. It could be because I have doubled my dose of citalopram as a minor side-effect or it could be the increased one sided headaches with mild brow bone pain (which could be anxiety or not, who knows). I guess parts of me thinks, yes these fears could be true but to be fair, my first fear was infertility, the pre-eclampsia, c-section death, haemmorrhage, DVTs, tumours, aneurysms, heart failure, MS, etc etc and to date, none have been true. In fact, I'm pretty healthy and I'm probably 1) causing a lot of these symptoms and 2)just hypersensitive to every niggle and twinge. It doesn't make it easier though since I can't control chemical imbalances in my brai, that is what the tablets are for. People keep telling me because of what I have been through and charity work, etc, I am an inspiration but really, other people have been through this and are so much stronger, braver, less mental than me. I'm not an inspiration. I'm just a really good actress.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
Song for Ellie
I'm going to put music to this and hopefully record it. I'm thinking I want it to be a capella, with me doing all the parts.
I've had a lot of dreams,
You're the one that came true.
I made a lot of mistakes,
but I forgot with one look at you.
Do you hear me when I call,
Now you're on the other side?
And although you couldn't stay,
I'm so proud that you tried.
It's hard to say goodbye to you,
it's hard to let you go,
But there's one thing I want you to know.
The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
You don't know pain,
You won't know fear,
I'll never see you shed a tear,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.
You're the reason that I smile,
You're the one who makes me cry.
You gave me all your strength,
So that you knew I'd get by.
And though the time was not enough,
I know I'll be alright,
Because I know you're happy and you're free,
The way you wouldn't have been in life.
It's hard to say goodbye to you,
it's hard to let you go,
But there's one thing I want you to know.
The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
I see your star,
Late at night,
I remember when I held you tight,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.
A stubborn little ball of strength, you gave all you had to give,
You did what you needed to, but you knew you wouldn't live.
It's hard to make a sacrifice,
But when I look at it it through your eyes,
You know you're loved, more every day,
And I'm proud of you in every way.
The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
My heart breaks,
When you're not there,
But keeping you just wasn't fair,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.
The other side is the only place you'll see,
And when I come over, will you recognise me?
Will you hold my hand,
Will you smile,
Say 'Hey mum, it's been a while,
I waited for you,
Until you came through to the other side'.
I've had a lot of dreams,
You're the one that came true.
I made a lot of mistakes,
but I forgot with one look at you.
Do you hear me when I call,
Now you're on the other side?
And although you couldn't stay,
I'm so proud that you tried.
It's hard to say goodbye to you,
it's hard to let you go,
But there's one thing I want you to know.
The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
You don't know pain,
You won't know fear,
I'll never see you shed a tear,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.
You're the reason that I smile,
You're the one who makes me cry.
You gave me all your strength,
So that you knew I'd get by.
And though the time was not enough,
I know I'll be alright,
Because I know you're happy and you're free,
The way you wouldn't have been in life.
It's hard to say goodbye to you,
it's hard to let you go,
But there's one thing I want you to know.
The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
I see your star,
Late at night,
I remember when I held you tight,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.
A stubborn little ball of strength, you gave all you had to give,
You did what you needed to, but you knew you wouldn't live.
It's hard to make a sacrifice,
But when I look at it it through your eyes,
You know you're loved, more every day,
And I'm proud of you in every way.
The other side is the best place to be,
Even though I'd rather have you with me,
My heart breaks,
When you're not there,
But keeping you just wasn't fair,
Wait for me,
Until I can be on the other side.
The other side is the only place you'll see,
And when I come over, will you recognise me?
Will you hold my hand,
Will you smile,
Say 'Hey mum, it's been a while,
I waited for you,
Until you came through to the other side'.
More in store!
http://www.artfire.com/modules.php?name=Shop&page_no=2&display=20&op=new&sterm=&sort_cats=0&seller_id=114665&sc_id=0
Jewellery now available, and new cards, made by my lovely friend Gem! Please visit. Some of the prices are out by pennies but that is because prices can be viewed in GBP but I have to enter them in dollars so the conversion just puts it out a bit.
Went to meet up with Gemma today to pick up the lovely stuff she had made and catch up. She is the nicest, most unselfish person I know. Her mum is lovely too. It's funny, I've really only seen Gem a handful of times but I feel closer to her than a lot of people I am friends with. We definately have to meet up more often. Her pet chickens are too cute too!
Thanks also to my friend Bev who has sent stuff to go on the online store. Should be here this week so I will be putting it online when I get it.
Jewellery now available, and new cards, made by my lovely friend Gem! Please visit. Some of the prices are out by pennies but that is because prices can be viewed in GBP but I have to enter them in dollars so the conversion just puts it out a bit.
Went to meet up with Gemma today to pick up the lovely stuff she had made and catch up. She is the nicest, most unselfish person I know. Her mum is lovely too. It's funny, I've really only seen Gem a handful of times but I feel closer to her than a lot of people I am friends with. We definately have to meet up more often. Her pet chickens are too cute too!
Thanks also to my friend Bev who has sent stuff to go on the online store. Should be here this week so I will be putting it online when I get it.
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Two plus
For a little while now, I've been wondering if it is all worth it. Lee is the love of my life but people seem to think they can stick a spanner in the works/interfere etc. Today I figured, no it isn't worth it. I can't be bothered with there being more than 2 people in the relationship so that was me. But then Lee had a valid point...let them all go f*** themselves, we're happy with each other, and we are more than happy when it is just the two of us and no-one bothering us so why should we split to please them and if they behave like that, are they really worth the worry? I guess not, and i'm glad I have him to remind me of these things. Maybe people should focus on their own lives rather than having to know every little detail of other people's. It's really sad that they have to do that anyway. If people aren't happy, they can get on with it and if they are against the wedding, don't come. It's our day, not anybody else's so no-one will really be missed as such.
Going to see my friend, Gem, tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing her. People forget it is only 3 months since we lost Ellie and sometimes it is really hard to live a normal life. I'm lucky to have such good friends and my family to support me, as well as Lee obviously.
Definately need to study and practice piano tomorrow. Yikes! We have been busy today, sorting out crap and paperwork and it always seems to take forever! I must set up a study timetable too! Organisation is my friend!
Going to see my friend, Gem, tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing her. People forget it is only 3 months since we lost Ellie and sometimes it is really hard to live a normal life. I'm lucky to have such good friends and my family to support me, as well as Lee obviously.
Definately need to study and practice piano tomorrow. Yikes! We have been busy today, sorting out crap and paperwork and it always seems to take forever! I must set up a study timetable too! Organisation is my friend!
Open
I've opened this blog back up for now, now I've had some time on my own. I just don't like how people think they have the right to do a running commentry of your life and judge it.
If people think I'm wrong or childish for wanting privacy so be it. But let me say this, everybody says how much we've all been through, but remember while you were out living you life all those months ago, I was carrying that baby. You could forget for a while, I never could. You weren't there hospital appointment after hospital appointment, watching those scan pictures. Your children are still alive. So if I make mistakes, or get upset, or am childish, I have a right to be. You might think because you were part of it you knew the pain but you didn't. You never will and I'm glad. So go back to your little games and shove your head it little further up your arse. Just because you were able to grieve in a week or whatever it took, I will always still have it this painful as will Lee. Bereavement of parents and things is hard but it is the natural order. This isn't.
Oh and 'This is me and if you don't like it, get on with it' or whatever it is you say. Because if you had been through what Lee and I have, you would have failed horribly.
If people think I'm wrong or childish for wanting privacy so be it. But let me say this, everybody says how much we've all been through, but remember while you were out living you life all those months ago, I was carrying that baby. You could forget for a while, I never could. You weren't there hospital appointment after hospital appointment, watching those scan pictures. Your children are still alive. So if I make mistakes, or get upset, or am childish, I have a right to be. You might think because you were part of it you knew the pain but you didn't. You never will and I'm glad. So go back to your little games and shove your head it little further up your arse. Just because you were able to grieve in a week or whatever it took, I will always still have it this painful as will Lee. Bereavement of parents and things is hard but it is the natural order. This isn't.
Oh and 'This is me and if you don't like it, get on with it' or whatever it is you say. Because if you had been through what Lee and I have, you would have failed horribly.
Monday 16 May 2011
Knobhead
What kind of bereaved mother walks down the baby clothes aisle in ASDA. Really, Naomi, really?!
I'm probably just hormonal and upset that I didn't get any work done today for errands. I am actually upset I didn't do 'school' work and chemistry no less! I hated chem in school! But this is my dream. When I went to uni before, sure I enjoyed bits of it but I want this so much. I really WANT it. I want it enough that if I get a full time job, I will sacrifice silly little things to work and study. I might only go out once a fortnight. I might only see friends every so often but it will be worth it because Ellie gave me this dream and nobody is going to stop it.
I'm probably just hormonal and upset that I didn't get any work done today for errands. I am actually upset I didn't do 'school' work and chemistry no less! I hated chem in school! But this is my dream. When I went to uni before, sure I enjoyed bits of it but I want this so much. I really WANT it. I want it enough that if I get a full time job, I will sacrifice silly little things to work and study. I might only go out once a fortnight. I might only see friends every so often but it will be worth it because Ellie gave me this dream and nobody is going to stop it.
Found it!
My lost 'lady friend' turned up, only because I forced it by starting to take my BC pill again but there you are. I didn't miss the pain, which to be fair, hasn't been as bad as I sometimes get it and it isn't half as bad as my first one after birth, where I thought I was actually going to bleed to death. Woot! I hate being a woman lol.
We've got a few bits and bobs to do today and places to go which I hate because it is bitty things and I really want to stay home and study. Newcastle doesn't consider resits so I have to be REALLY good in my exams. Granted, they aren't until Jan and June next year but when you consider 3 full A Levels in a year, plus ucas shiznit, it is a big feat. One I am determined to conquer I might add. I am spending most time on Chemistry right now, as that is the hardest and for me, I believe, will require the most work, but all in all, I seem to be able to grasp what I have learned so far. Fingers crossed it stays that way!
My little, Ellie-phant, thinking of you always, pretty bambi. I saw a deer the other day in the distance and knew it was you, come to see me :) x
We've got a few bits and bobs to do today and places to go which I hate because it is bitty things and I really want to stay home and study. Newcastle doesn't consider resits so I have to be REALLY good in my exams. Granted, they aren't until Jan and June next year but when you consider 3 full A Levels in a year, plus ucas shiznit, it is a big feat. One I am determined to conquer I might add. I am spending most time on Chemistry right now, as that is the hardest and for me, I believe, will require the most work, but all in all, I seem to be able to grasp what I have learned so far. Fingers crossed it stays that way!
My little, Ellie-phant, thinking of you always, pretty bambi. I saw a deer the other day in the distance and knew it was you, come to see me :) x
Sunday 15 May 2011
Going mad
If I am relatively distracted, I am fine. When I'm not, something is always wrong. My new one is this: I recently found a fair size dent in my skull at the crown, probably where my back fontanelle was as a baby or i've cracked my head. But now, being me, I am convinced it is spreading, I have soft spots and my head is caving in. Lee presses it nearly every day when I panic and says it is solid. Mega freaks me out.
Got loads of work to do today. No time to piss about when it comes to all this work! Might do my notes in front of 'Dear John' and 'Brigadoon' though in bed. Typical Sunday afternoon!
Got loads of work to do today. No time to piss about when it comes to all this work! Might do my notes in front of 'Dear John' and 'Brigadoon' though in bed. Typical Sunday afternoon!
Saturday 14 May 2011
Day out
We went to the metro centre today which is cool but always hard what with all the new mums, pregnant women and mother care. Lee bought me 2 new writing sets though so allnis well. I also saw the Oxford handbook of genetics which I mega want but it was £30.99 and it's only £23 online. It even has ARPKD in, which is awesome as it's mega rare.
Really daunted about the prospect of writing a personal statement but my friend is going to help. I'm planning to have all my unit 1s learned by August. It's amazing what you pick up and learn just while making notes which is weird because I don't actively read when taking note, I just the see the words and write them but some of it processes.
I've been thinking a bit more lately about the hospital and what happened there with Ellie. It's always hard to think about...I stood a stroked my daughter's hair and held her hand, knowing I was taking her to die. There was no other option, I know that, and I did what any good parent would in our position but it doesn't make it easier. I knew I wouldn't be bringing a baby home, but I still ache. It wasn't a shock but you never realise quite how much you love your child til the minute they are born. I think I really fell in love with her at 28 weeks when we knew about the ARPKD, and I could feel her back and all sorts with the lack of fluid but when she was born, that was it, I was spoilt for all others. Nobody really compares.
Really daunted about the prospect of writing a personal statement but my friend is going to help. I'm planning to have all my unit 1s learned by August. It's amazing what you pick up and learn just while making notes which is weird because I don't actively read when taking note, I just the see the words and write them but some of it processes.
I've been thinking a bit more lately about the hospital and what happened there with Ellie. It's always hard to think about...I stood a stroked my daughter's hair and held her hand, knowing I was taking her to die. There was no other option, I know that, and I did what any good parent would in our position but it doesn't make it easier. I knew I wouldn't be bringing a baby home, but I still ache. It wasn't a shock but you never realise quite how much you love your child til the minute they are born. I think I really fell in love with her at 28 weeks when we knew about the ARPKD, and I could feel her back and all sorts with the lack of fluid but when she was born, that was it, I was spoilt for all others. Nobody really compares.
Thursday 12 May 2011
Bring it on
So much work today so I am going to start by totally blitzing my study area. You can't study/piano-practice in a messy area, it just doesn't work! This 3 A Levels in one year malarkey has got to be do-able. It doesn't matter that A Level Chem is like, the hardest subject lol. I'm doing this for Ellie so it will work. It's just step by step. I already can tell you about atomic and mass number, protons, electrons and neutrons woot! To be fair, psychology looks like it has the most to learn as it is more concept than factual.
The headaches are back a little bit which I hate and I have totally lost my period. I am not pregnant and I thought I had two regular ones at 3 and 7 weeks postpartum but now I'm thinking I wasn't regular at all and at 3 weeks pp, it was just more clearout and c-section bleeding. I've had this constant annoying buzzing in my left ear too and funnily enough, monday and last night, Lee massaged my shoulders and I cried for Ellie and it wasn't there either time. Repressed grief maybe?
I think I am going to definately up my anti-d's next time I go to the doctor. I am halfway there but thinking 20mg of citalopram might definately take the final edge off. Fingers crossed!
The headaches are back a little bit which I hate and I have totally lost my period. I am not pregnant and I thought I had two regular ones at 3 and 7 weeks postpartum but now I'm thinking I wasn't regular at all and at 3 weeks pp, it was just more clearout and c-section bleeding. I've had this constant annoying buzzing in my left ear too and funnily enough, monday and last night, Lee massaged my shoulders and I cried for Ellie and it wasn't there either time. Repressed grief maybe?
I think I am going to definately up my anti-d's next time I go to the doctor. I am halfway there but thinking 20mg of citalopram might definately take the final edge off. Fingers crossed!
Wednesday 11 May 2011
Business
Yay, I set up an online handmade goods store with all proceeds going to Tiny Lives.
http://www.artfire.com/users/MyStarEllie
Please visit, more to come tomorrow, just takes a while to upload everything!
http://www.artfire.com/users/MyStarEllie
Please visit, more to come tomorrow, just takes a while to upload everything!
Tuesday 10 May 2011
Slow down
The past few days have been so hectic, I can't wait to just slow down and do some study and piano practice from tomorrow onwards. I certainly need to get started on the chemistry! I'm thinking 2 hours a day per subject plus piano might be enough to get me through. 8 hours sounds a lot but I am not working right now and really 6 hours is a school day anyway so it's not so different.
I ordered my new phone today and got my contract dropped by £15 a month. Wahey! Will be glad to rid myself of my blackberry. Pile of crap!
Lee is out taking his grandparents round a sheltered accommodation to see if they like it. They can't really cope with a full house now. If they do like it, we might rent their house of them but we'll just see.
We are then going to Morpeth as Lee us doing some jobs for my friend so I will get to see my adopted nephew again lol. He is lush. Haven't even heard him cry, he's just so happy.
Lots to do, so little time!
I ordered my new phone today and got my contract dropped by £15 a month. Wahey! Will be glad to rid myself of my blackberry. Pile of crap!
Lee is out taking his grandparents round a sheltered accommodation to see if they like it. They can't really cope with a full house now. If they do like it, we might rent their house of them but we'll just see.
We are then going to Morpeth as Lee us doing some jobs for my friend so I will get to see my adopted nephew again lol. He is lush. Haven't even heard him cry, he's just so happy.
Lots to do, so little time!
Monday 9 May 2011
Drained
I'm up and down right now.
First of all, congratulations to a fellow ARPKD mother who is carrying a healthy baby. Her baby is a carrier but not affected and I am so pleased for her.
With every pleasure in life, there is a pain too. I just came back from Teardrop, a SANDS affiliated bereavement group. We all went round the room and introduced ourselves, told our story and I burst into tears straight away! Other people cried before me though so its OK, we're all in the same horrible club but with a variety of reasons. I think I have a lot more than some of the people there. It makes me feel blessed.
I went to the library today and picked up some A Level text books and revision guides so I can crack on. OMG at Chemistry, that is all I can say! That is going to require muchos work! I am a smart girl however, and Ellie made me want to do this, so I will do it for her and every time I hit a blip or snag, I will find a way. I have this determination that I never had with nursing. I'll have to to complete 3 full A Levels in a year!
Here's a little something I came up with:
Can you hear me, Ellie,
I wonder where you are,
I think about you every day,
I keep you in my heart.
I wonder if you're happy,
I wonder if you smile,
I wonder if you think about me,
Every once in a while.
I hope you're never lonely,
I pray you're never sad.
I thank the heavens every day,
For the time we had.
I think you're busy playing,
With your friends on the moon.
So I'll let you have your fun,
And I'll see you soon x
First of all, congratulations to a fellow ARPKD mother who is carrying a healthy baby. Her baby is a carrier but not affected and I am so pleased for her.
With every pleasure in life, there is a pain too. I just came back from Teardrop, a SANDS affiliated bereavement group. We all went round the room and introduced ourselves, told our story and I burst into tears straight away! Other people cried before me though so its OK, we're all in the same horrible club but with a variety of reasons. I think I have a lot more than some of the people there. It makes me feel blessed.
I went to the library today and picked up some A Level text books and revision guides so I can crack on. OMG at Chemistry, that is all I can say! That is going to require muchos work! I am a smart girl however, and Ellie made me want to do this, so I will do it for her and every time I hit a blip or snag, I will find a way. I have this determination that I never had with nursing. I'll have to to complete 3 full A Levels in a year!
Here's a little something I came up with:
Can you hear me, Ellie,
I wonder where you are,
I think about you every day,
I keep you in my heart.
I wonder if you're happy,
I wonder if you smile,
I wonder if you think about me,
Every once in a while.
I hope you're never lonely,
I pray you're never sad.
I thank the heavens every day,
For the time we had.
I think you're busy playing,
With your friends on the moon.
So I'll let you have your fun,
And I'll see you soon x
Friday 6 May 2011
Ellie
I also wanted to make a separate post about Ellie, away from the upset and future plans.
I think about her everyday and yesterday, looking at photos it was hard to believe I even held that little monster, bless her. I can do everything now since it has been 3 months since my surgery and my recovery, to be fair, was really quick, despite doing loads from the off.
I still have a lot of health anxiety...I have no intuition about myself, I'm convinced I always have things wrong with me and I rarely do but with Ellie, I just knew she was special. She has made me who I am. I am a size 14 and yes, size 10 in my goal but I don't feel fat. She has shaped what I want to do with my life because before her, I never fully knew. She has made me take time to think about poorly babies everywhere and try and help them, at least the ones at the RVI. She has shown me that I have a wonderful man and although times have been hard for us, we are always bonded by her.
Sometimes I wonder who the lucky ones really are. I look at the two women who were pregnant with babies with ARPKD at the same time. Their lives are constant fear, as their babies are in and out of surgery, dealing with infections, etc and even after transplants, there is a shelf life. Where is the next kidney coming from? Ellie's life would have been pain, uncertainty, wishing she was normal.I even saw one parent on a facebook group lose her son to this disease at the age of 22. The time we had was so special and Ellie knew nothing but love, before birth and after.
I think about her everyday and yesterday, looking at photos it was hard to believe I even held that little monster, bless her. I can do everything now since it has been 3 months since my surgery and my recovery, to be fair, was really quick, despite doing loads from the off.
I still have a lot of health anxiety...I have no intuition about myself, I'm convinced I always have things wrong with me and I rarely do but with Ellie, I just knew she was special. She has made me who I am. I am a size 14 and yes, size 10 in my goal but I don't feel fat. She has shaped what I want to do with my life because before her, I never fully knew. She has made me take time to think about poorly babies everywhere and try and help them, at least the ones at the RVI. She has shown me that I have a wonderful man and although times have been hard for us, we are always bonded by her.
Sometimes I wonder who the lucky ones really are. I look at the two women who were pregnant with babies with ARPKD at the same time. Their lives are constant fear, as their babies are in and out of surgery, dealing with infections, etc and even after transplants, there is a shelf life. Where is the next kidney coming from? Ellie's life would have been pain, uncertainty, wishing she was normal.I even saw one parent on a facebook group lose her son to this disease at the age of 22. The time we had was so special and Ellie knew nothing but love, before birth and after.
Privacy and time to breathe
I've restricted this blog because I am sick of various (not just one, a few) people judging me and commenting on my life. I don't think I am out of place saying I've been to hell and back and I don't need people tearing me down, undermining me, invading my privacy, being overbearing etc. I am almost 24 so really, regardless of what they think, comments should be kept to themselves. I've been in tearss all morning and I really shouldn't give a crap.
So, as I was saying previously, college got cancelled. Most people know I left my nursing course, I just couldn't cope with seeing children abused, etc and my tutor wasn't supportive but I loved the medical aspect of things and I enjoyed most of the assignments and things. My plan is hopefully, to continue along the same vein but doing biomedicine but unfortunately, that requires knowledge of a level sciences which I don't have. Anyway, the biology wasn't an issue ut the chemistry was going to be a problem because of lab practicals but an amazing friend has hooked me up with someone who can help so I will be able to do My a levels privately, including psychology. I will be able to have some tutoring for the chem, the biology I'm going to do distance learning through the national extension college and the psychology I can do alone as there are no practicals and things, just exams, which I can arrange as a private candidate. It's much better than the college really because they stopped their fee remission for next year so it would have cost £1400 and ats just for HEFCs which aren't even in as much depth as a levels. Plus this way, I have more hours available for a job, because I'm not prepared to let Lee do all the work. I like to work (when the jobs are there!).
My piano is actually picking up...practice does pay off!
So, as I was saying previously, college got cancelled. Most people know I left my nursing course, I just couldn't cope with seeing children abused, etc and my tutor wasn't supportive but I loved the medical aspect of things and I enjoyed most of the assignments and things. My plan is hopefully, to continue along the same vein but doing biomedicine but unfortunately, that requires knowledge of a level sciences which I don't have. Anyway, the biology wasn't an issue ut the chemistry was going to be a problem because of lab practicals but an amazing friend has hooked me up with someone who can help so I will be able to do My a levels privately, including psychology. I will be able to have some tutoring for the chem, the biology I'm going to do distance learning through the national extension college and the psychology I can do alone as there are no practicals and things, just exams, which I can arrange as a private candidate. It's much better than the college really because they stopped their fee remission for next year so it would have cost £1400 and ats just for HEFCs which aren't even in as much depth as a levels. Plus this way, I have more hours available for a job, because I'm not prepared to let Lee do all the work. I like to work (when the jobs are there!).
My piano is actually picking up...practice does pay off!
Wednesday 4 May 2011
Roller coaster ride
Life is up and down right now.
I was disappointed this morning as the college had cancelled my course. Then I thought spanner had been put in the works for what I wanted to do but a very good friend has saved me! I don't want to say too much about it on here as it is private and I'm normally a disappointment to everyone so it's on the downlow for now.
My piano practice is going fairly well. Not sure if I will be ready for the exam or not but given the circumstances, I would settle for a pass this time round. Obviously I have had bigger worries but I'm going to work hard. It helps having a good teacher but I know the majority of the work has to come from me.
3 months ago tomorrow, I gave birth. Wow, time flies, it's all surreal but it isn't much of a healer.
I was disappointed this morning as the college had cancelled my course. Then I thought spanner had been put in the works for what I wanted to do but a very good friend has saved me! I don't want to say too much about it on here as it is private and I'm normally a disappointment to everyone so it's on the downlow for now.
My piano practice is going fairly well. Not sure if I will be ready for the exam or not but given the circumstances, I would settle for a pass this time round. Obviously I have had bigger worries but I'm going to work hard. It helps having a good teacher but I know the majority of the work has to come from me.
3 months ago tomorrow, I gave birth. Wow, time flies, it's all surreal but it isn't much of a healer.
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