Fearing fear

For the majority of this pregnancy, my anxiety has not overwhelmed me but this past week has been slightly harder, I must admit. I don't know if it is subconscious as between week 27-28 in Ellie's pregnancy, we got our ARPKD diagnosis, or whether it is just as impending birth looms closer.

Before Ellie, I suspect I had mild Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It wasn't specific to health for me and it wasn't something that really affected my life in a big way. Death just hadn't been a big part of my life. So, for the first major figure in my life to die to be my daughter, I guess it was going to take a huge effect and that was when it started to become health anxiety. Well, it really started in the pregnancy. As I said before, I didn't realise how traumatic it all was until this pregnancy has been so normal (as it can be with CVSs and the likes).

This week, the fear has crept back in a bit and the fear of one of the 3 of us dying has been in my mind a lot. It's not horrendous but enough to upset me.  The problem with anxiety or depression is, unless you have been on the receiving end, you will never know what it is like. For example, an overwhelming fear of a brain tumour might illicit responses such as 'You're fine' or 'don't be stupid' but if you genuinely have that fear, its really hard to resolve it and then your body creates symptoms in response. My mind can't correct itself as easy as that. Don't get me wrong, the anti-depressants really helped to get me back on track and now I can rationalise quite well, for the most part. Occasionally, it isn't so easy, like this week. I guess I fear that things were crap for Lee and I for so long, and now that they are easy and happy, the universe is going to trip us up or this is the calm before a storm, which is quite unlikely. I'm really frightened of dying during labour or surgery, because last time we didn't get enough time and I want us to be a happy family. I panic that because Theo is fine, I will be the one to die this time, leaving him and Lee alones but I see other PKD families who went through the same as us and think it's just the anxiety back again. Perhaps it will ease this week and I will go back to managing quite well.

In other news, Lee has been putting up curtains and pictures today and our flat is starting to look like a home.  I wanted everything done before Theo arrives and it is almost there. I didn't realise how bland it was til we started this. Plus, we are getting more obsessive with tidying now too.  I even iron! I love having my two boys to look after. I didn't expect little touches to make such a difference but am excited for it being finished to see how fab it looks!