Fear

It's going on for 3am and I just can't sleep so I've left Lee in bed and come downstairs for a bit. I'm exhausted, don't get me wrong, but sleep just disappeared after an hour or so.

I can feel myself just going to cry as well. I'm tired, from fatigue and from trying to be brave all the time, pretending things are normal and that I'm not terrified. I'm so nervous for tomorrow.

I feel so weak and such a failure. Lee is so strong. I know he's scared too but he is strong for all 3 of us. He never loses faith that Ellie is and will be OK. Critically ill yes, but she will be ok with us. I guess the difference is, he can take himself away when he needs to, whereas she is attached to me, growing inside me so it is never not there. That's not to say I love Ellie any more or my bond is any stronger because that is totally untrue. It's just when your hormones are already a runaway train, and then you have more to contend with, you sometimes just lose it I guess.

I never fail to admire Lee for his strength though because I just couldn't do it without him. I loved my ex until the cons of the relationship outweighed the pros then I left, and shortly took up with Lee. My ex didn't want kids which was just one problem and I couldn't accept that. I fell in love with Lee quickly but it was hard, he was used to being by himself and doing his own thing, wanted it both ways, to be in a couple but live the single lifestyle. So I crushed his soul, haha. Not really, but I fought him until he realised because he was worth it. Now, what I feel for him far surpasses love, it's love times infinity and increases every day. How could it not after this? I would rather have our poorly special baby with him than have had any baby with my ex because every day with her will mean more than the one before.

I'm scared they will take our hope tomorrow. That's my biggest fear for now. And yet, I'm full of joy because Stephen, Ellie's ARPKD amigo who is a week old later today just came through major sugary and is doing well. Words can't express my happiness for Lindsey and Billy and Stephen who is so so strong. Just praying we have their chances.