Making a difference

In less than 48 hours, Ellie's memory page is up to £548!! Can you believe that?!

We went out last night to the pub with friends. It was hard, really hard but it probably did us some good.  All the men ended up in tears, our friends are really emotional for us.Today we have been to register the birth and death of Ellie and also, to the funeral director's. Stephen is a friend of Lee's, which made it easier and we put together what we wanted. All we have had to pay is £20 for doctors fees, everything else is free, the minister, the coffin and casket, the car etc. Obviously we have our flowers to get and things. There is also a collection box for tiny lives as we would prefer people to make a small donation instead of flowers.  At our wedding later this year, we will also have donations instead of presents...we have everything we need, no need for toasters and glasses when babies can be saved.

My milk came in today and my boobs are huge and sore. It's not too distressing though it's hard having no baby to latch on.  I cried so much for Ellie last night, even though I know she is in a better place than here. I want to be there with her, or trade places, but I also know I have to stay strong because Lee needs me. He can't lose us both. Ellie wouldn't want that.

We have just been looking at a charity trek in Iceland that I am hoping to do in July. Lee and his friends are going to do a 10K or something in Sunderland, my friend Claire wants to do a bungee jump, 2 friends have contacted me to say they are doing stuff at work, my sister's school are going to make a donation from the non-uniform day, and two friend's bands are going to do a charity gig for us, which I think our mate's pub will hold. How unbelievable is that?! All for our beautiful little girl.

The hardest things today, apart from Ellie's absence is the idea of the tiny coffin next thursday and also, cremating that lovely little body that grew inside mine but we both know it is better because we can bring her home to rest with us, rather than leaving her to rot in the ground alone in a cemetary.  It's also hard for me because I am still reeling from the birth and it's a hard transition for any woman, pregnancy to baby so it's awful that I can't feel her little leg sticking out of my belly anymore but also, she is gone from this world too. Two blows in one. I really don't know what to do with myself.