Bring it on

So much work today so I am going to start by totally blitzing my study area. You can't study/piano-practice in a messy area, it just doesn't work! This 3 A Levels in one year malarkey has got to be do-able. It doesn't matter that A Level Chem is like, the hardest subject lol. I'm doing this for Ellie so it will work. It's just step by step. I already can tell you about atomic and mass number, protons, electrons and neutrons woot! To be fair, psychology looks like it has the most to learn as it is more concept than factual.

The headaches are back a little bit which I hate and I have totally lost my period. I am not pregnant and I thought I had two regular ones at 3 and 7 weeks postpartum but now I'm thinking I wasn't regular at all and at 3 weeks pp, it was just more clearout and c-section bleeding. I've had this constant annoying buzzing in my left ear too and funnily enough, monday and last night, Lee massaged my shoulders and I cried for Ellie and it wasn't there either time. Repressed grief maybe?

I think I am going to definately up my anti-d's next time I go to the doctor. I am halfway there but thinking 20mg of citalopram might definately take the final edge off. Fingers crossed!

Business

Yay, I set up an online handmade goods store with all proceeds going to Tiny Lives.

http://www.artfire.com/users/MyStarEllie

Please visit, more to come tomorrow, just takes a while to upload everything!

Slow down

The past few days have been so hectic, I can't wait to just slow down and do some study and piano practice from tomorrow onwards. I certainly need to get started on the chemistry! I'm thinking 2 hours a day per subject plus piano might be enough to get me through. 8 hours sounds a lot but I am not working right now and really 6 hours is a school day anyway so it's not so different.

I ordered my new phone today and got my contract dropped by £15 a month. Wahey! Will be glad to rid myself of my blackberry. Pile of crap!

Lee is out taking his grandparents round a sheltered accommodation to see if they like it. They can't really cope with a full house now. If they do like it, we might rent their house of them but we'll just see.

We are then going to Morpeth as Lee us doing some jobs for my friend so I will get to see my adopted nephew again lol. He is lush. Haven't even heard him cry, he's just so happy.

Lots to do, so little time!

Drained

I'm up and down right now.

First of all, congratulations to a fellow ARPKD mother who is carrying a healthy baby. Her baby is a carrier but not affected and I am so pleased for her.

With every pleasure in life, there is a pain too. I just came back from Teardrop, a SANDS affiliated bereavement group. We all went round the room and introduced ourselves, told our story and I burst into tears straight away! Other people cried before me though so its OK, we're all in the same horrible club but with a variety of reasons. I think I have a lot more than some of the people there. It makes me feel blessed.

I went to the library today and picked up some A Level text books and revision guides so I can crack on. OMG at Chemistry, that is all I can say! That is going to require muchos work! I am a smart girl however, and Ellie made me want to do this, so I will do it for her and every time I hit a blip or snag, I will find a way. I  have this determination that I never had with nursing. I'll have to to complete 3 full A Levels in a year!

Here's a little something I came up with:

Can you hear me, Ellie,
I wonder where you are,
I think about you every day,
I keep you in my heart.

I wonder if you're happy,
I wonder if you smile,
I wonder if you think about me,
Every once in a while.

I hope you're never lonely,
I pray you're never sad.
I thank the heavens every day,
For the time we had.

I think you're busy playing,
With your friends on the moon.
So I'll let you have your fun,
And I'll see you soon x

Ellie

I also wanted to make a separate post about Ellie, away from the upset and future plans.

I think about her everyday and yesterday, looking at photos it was hard to believe I even held that little monster, bless her. I can do everything now since it has been 3 months since my surgery and my recovery, to be fair, was really quick, despite doing loads from the off.

I still have a lot of health anxiety...I have no intuition about myself, I'm convinced I always have things wrong with me and I rarely do but with Ellie, I just knew she was special. She has made me who I am. I am a size 14 and yes, size 10 in my goal but I don't feel fat. She has shaped what I want to do with my life because before her, I never fully knew. She has made me take time to think about poorly babies everywhere and try and help them, at least the ones at the RVI. She has shown me that I have a wonderful man and although times have been hard for us, we are always bonded by her.

Sometimes I wonder who the lucky ones really are. I look at the two women who were pregnant with babies with ARPKD at the same time. Their lives are constant fear, as their babies are in and out of surgery, dealing with infections, etc and even after transplants, there is a shelf life. Where is the next kidney coming from? Ellie's life would have been pain, uncertainty, wishing she was normal.I even saw one parent on a facebook group lose her son to this disease at the age of 22. The time we had was so special and Ellie knew nothing but love, before birth and after.

Privacy and time to breathe

I've restricted this blog because I am sick of various (not just one, a few) people judging me and commenting on my life. I don't think I am out of place saying I've been to hell and back and I don't need people tearing me down, undermining me, invading my privacy, being overbearing etc. I am almost 24 so really, regardless of what they think, comments should be kept to themselves. I've been in tearss all morning and I really shouldn't give a crap.

So, as I was saying previously, college got cancelled. Most people know I left my nursing course, I just couldn't cope with seeing children abused, etc and my tutor wasn't supportive but I loved the medical aspect of things and I enjoyed most of the assignments and things. My plan is hopefully, to continue along the same vein but doing biomedicine but unfortunately, that requires knowledge of a level sciences which I don't have. Anyway, the biology wasn't an issue ut the chemistry was going to be a problem because of lab practicals but an amazing friend has hooked me up with someone who can help so I will be able to do My a levels privately, including psychology. I will be able to have some tutoring for the chem, the biology I'm going to do distance learning through the national extension college and the psychology I can do alone as there are no practicals and things, just exams, which I can arrange as a private candidate. It's much better than the college really because they stopped their fee remission for next year so it would have cost £1400 and ats just for HEFCs which aren't even in as much depth as a levels. Plus this way, I have more hours available for a job, because I'm not prepared to let Lee do all the work. I like to work (when the jobs are there!).

My piano is actually picking up...practice does pay off!

Roller coaster ride

Life is up and down right now.


I was disappointed this morning as the college had cancelled my course. Then I thought spanner had been put in the works for what I wanted to do but a very good friend has saved me! I don't want to say too much about it on here as it is private and I'm normally a disappointment to everyone so it's on the downlow for now.

My piano practice is going fairly well. Not sure if I will be ready for the exam or not but given the circumstances, I would settle for a pass this time round. Obviously I have had bigger worries but I'm going to work hard. It helps having a good teacher but I know the majority of the work has to come from me.

3 months ago tomorrow, I gave birth. Wow, time flies, it's all surreal but it isn't much of a healer.