My little baby is gone and this time, nature didn't take it's course but I did it. I stopped her living and then had to give birth to her. How sad is that?
The procedure wasn't so bad. I could have managed my pain relief better but I know for next time if it happens again and I hope more than anything it doesn't.
I tell people I am managing and I am but inside, I just feel so desolate and lonely. It isn't the same as with Ellie, but much much lonelier. People identify when you have a baby so far on but with this, people don't want to know, think its not a real baby (pretty much formed at 13 weeks so it is) or think you shouldn't care because its so early and that is the most hurtful thing of all. And then today, I passed a sizeable chunk of placenta and was by myself and frightened (there is still some left but its on its way out) and I know, as people say, it can be normal but when I feel so shit anyway, its not helpful. I have more children dead than alive right now and that is so awful. If it wasn't for Theo, I am not sure I would get up in the mornings.
My friends have been a godsend and I have learned more this pregnancy who I can lean on, which is one silver lining. That and that I am controlling my health anxiety really well, considering Friday's procedure and even today, at the prospect of surgery, I did cry but did not freak out.
I guess one step at a time
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