Making plans

Tomorrow will be one week since I gave birth. I think I'm still in shock. The midwives, Ruth and a student, came to take my stitches out today. Angela was our midwife but Ruth has dealt with us a lot too. They asked if they could look at the pictures and things but they had to stop due to crying. They asked if they were being cruel, I said of course not, we do the same thing!

We listened to 'Crocodile Rock' for the first time this morning. How bittersweet, I cry just sat here thinking about it. Coincidentally the minister rang during it, and has arranged to come on Monday at 6pm, to sort out the funeral. Everything seems so quick, like we are rushing to get rid of her. I would never let her go, given the chance. We got the rest of the photos from my mum too, we are lucky to have so many of my special little bambi.

My Dad and Sam came over today and bought me a gorgeous locket, I need to find a picture to put in it. Lee's mum also came over afterwards. His brother, Martin, and partner, Ciji arrive tomorrow from the States. It will be good to have people around the house I guess. I just feel so guilty at trying to be normal but I've never done this before. I don't know how it goes really. I already had four of the five stages of grief in pregnancy, so I'm already at acceptance but I am so hollow. I don't know what is worse right now, the emotional pain or the physical pain from my massively engorged boobs. I cried in agony last night. At least the milk will go soon. The broken heart won't.

Last night we were planning our holiday to Tunisia but actually, we didn't realise all the trouble that had gone on there alongside Egypt so now we are going to Turkey in the first week of April. We've also been planning a few things for charity, we're up to £643 for Tiny Lives. I'm going to sign up to a couple of Open uni modules for at the end of the year and focus on my piano and things, as well as looking for a job in a few months. And our wedding, of course. So much to concentrate on but none of it excites me really. Turkey will be nice though, I'm sure. I haven't been abroad for 5 years, since Berlin. I can't wait to get down the gym as well. Only 5 weeks.

Miss you Bambi x