Spent most of the day in Wansbck A and E. Passed a big clot this morning with a big gush of blood so freaked out. The bleeding did slow down and I had a speculum check, everything looked ok. Had an appointment with Henrietta (which, trust me, I needed!) then went back to get discharged before another huge gush so I was beside myself. They said it is my period but I don't believe that, bit early. However, I think it is just normal like they said and it's slowing again. I had to keep explaining to the professionals that Ellie had died. The wansbeck is good but I wish I had gone to the RVI. At least they know the story from my maternity notes and I feel safe there, because they kept me safe when I felt totally unsafe and it was Ellie's home.
A couple of weeks ago, Henrietta had mentioned going to the teardrop group (stillbirth and neonatal death group) but after today, I think we both know I need a bit extra help so I have to go back next week (two week gap was a bit much I think). Once I started talking today, I had a lot to say. I never realised and I am feeling so hollow and empty. I'm sad it will be a different psychologist at the end of April, Henrietta met Ellie the bump so there's some tie.
I played the piano and cracked open the wine. At least the nerves have eased slightly.
i am a friend of lindsey schwartz. i have followed your story and prayed for your family over the last few months. Today, i learned of your daughte'rs birth and passing. I cannot imagine your pain. I have nothing to say that can make things better. Just know that your story and your daughter's journey has touched people all over the world. I will be a better mother becuase of your story. I will never take a moment with my child for granted. Maybe that was Ellie's gift to the world! I send all the strength i have to you. Please beleive that there is happiness and joy for you and your husband in the future - i just know there is. -With love, A stranger across the pond, Ciara Boyle Young
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