Motivation

I really need to lose weight before my wedding. And I need to make the invitation list!

However, at least I have been motivated workwise. I have been catching up on my open uni German work, doing half a theme a day so really, I'm doing a fair bit of work on it. I want to submit my 2 late TMAs next week (I had extra time for obvious reasons) then get the others done early so I can really crack on with the Chem, psycho, and bio. I'm still only making notes on the first part of unit 1 of chem but I am actually getting it! Me, with the D at GCSE chem!!! I know its going to get a lot harder so getting the basics is a triumph for me. My lovely friend, Gem, have me one of her old books as well which has loads of questions in to test yourself so in addition to my past papers, it will help me because the more practice, the better you get!

This is also true of piano. I never realised how much I memorise the music which is actually much better for me because I often get lost reading the music. Bizarrely, I can't memorise my flute music very much. I may be ready for this exam in time, given that it is still only May and the exam will be in July. One piece is sorted, and the other two, I am still learning but getting there bit by bit. I really need to work on my technical skills before grade 7 which I am fully dedicated to doing. Especially as my aim is to do the exam next March. never let it be said I am not ambitious. Ellie has renewed me with a desire to be the best, something I feel I lost when I left school at 19. I produced the most amazing child with Lee, so I need to live up to her now, to achieve things to make her proud. Everything I do, I can look up at the stars and say, look what mummy did.

We have also talked about the next baby. We often say, sometimes we just feel like going for it. We'd like to see if we'll be offered the CVS test. An ARPKD mum friend of mine is 16 weeks pregnant and being monitored just by scan. The bravery of that astounds me but we may have no other option and I know Prof. Robson says it can be picked up early when they are specifically looking for it.  A big issue for me right now though is also my anxiety. I need to be well and stable before a baby and right now, my fears have flared up again. It could be because I have doubled my dose of citalopram as a minor side-effect or it could be the increased one sided headaches with mild brow bone pain (which could be anxiety or not, who knows). I guess parts of me thinks, yes these fears could be true but to be fair, my first fear was infertility, the pre-eclampsia, c-section death, haemmorrhage, DVTs, tumours, aneurysms, heart failure, MS, etc etc and to date, none have been true. In fact, I'm pretty healthy and I'm probably 1) causing a lot of these symptoms and 2)just hypersensitive to every niggle and twinge. It doesn't make it easier though since I can't control chemical imbalances in my brai, that is what the tablets are for. People keep telling me because of what I have been through and charity work, etc, I am an inspiration but really, other people have been through this and are so much stronger, braver, less mental than me. I'm not an inspiration. I'm just a really good actress.