Totally drained

Been to see Henrietta today (psychologist) which is exhausting.  We discussed quite a few things including my fears (are the doctors giving false hope, Ellie dying before I get to see her, the C-section, etc), my depression quiz, holding things back, etc. We decided this week I had tried to be too normal, resulting in me having a mini breakdown in bed last night. So for homework, on my mood diary, I also have to write a section about what hasn't been said that day, what has bothered me etc but we also think it's better if I need to to just sit and think/cry/ whatever for 10 mins a day, rather than going all week and making things worse.  We also said that as far as the different doctors opinions go, American healthcare is not as consistant because it is private. Doctors don't always know about this disease. In the UK, we have a very well connected group of professionals through the NHS, and in essence, it is a level playing field. The care at the RVI is no less than the care at Great Ormond street and knowledge tends to be the same or near enough. We decided I would discuss the death fears with the neonatal team but also, Dr Ognjanovich seems confident of her lungs at this point in time.  My score on the depression test I took was 14 out of 36 so while Henrietta said normal pregnant women are expected to sit around the 8-9 mark and she is concerned, she also feels I am doing really well. The problem is my head is so far ahead of my heart because I am intelligent and can process the problem, but essentially, I am still Ellie's mother and that won't change. I will also feel that pain so to not try to be too strong.  I explained to her though, I would never be a major concern on that level because I will never feel like there is no hope in the world, or life is worthless. I have always liked life and Ellie has given me so much more appreciation for this. How could I waste my life when Ellie has to fight for hers?  We probably discussed a bit more but it is overwhelming and exhausting.  One other point was, although ARPKD parents need to rally together, don't get upset for Ellie by what happens to others....every baby is different and I know this is right. It's hard not to hurt for all the other parents though when I know what they feel.

Apart from that, today has not much to report. I think it's a bath, pj's and junk food on the sofa night!