Make the world go away

Today has been another of those days really. Stayed in bed until 11.30am then Lee came up to check on me because he was concerned, bless him, so I thought I should get up for him and to feed my baby too.

Yesterday, we had taken my bro's girlfriend to the Civic centre in Gateshead for lunch as my stepdad is head chef there, then Angel of the North, the Sage Gateshead and the Baltic Art gallery. There were some books that were brilliant for the baby in the Baltic shop and when my mum asked if she should buy one, I said 'Well, I don't know. It seems like we should wait' to which she agreed and took the names of the books so she could get them online at a later date. She told Lee it was because they were expensive in the Baltic shop then texts me later at home to say she bought them both. Do people not care how we feel? It wasn't about the cost. It's ok when you have four kids, you are bound to have a healthy grandchild but will I ever have a healthy child? I don't know. This is my life, every day I have to think about Ellie's birth and death at the same time. People think because I go shopping and meet friends, etc. that I am normal, coping so well, blah blah blah. I'm a mess. What do people want from me? Stop pretending things are fine, my baby is seriously seriously ill. I feel like I'm shouting at everybody and no-one is listening to me. Every minute of every day, I worry about facing people and their babies and children, pregnant women happily buying cots and baby clothes and planning their lives. Everyday, I have to get up and face them all and have it rammed down my throat. Our throats, Lee's and mine. I hate it. Really hate it. I would give up both my kidneys and take the dialysis if I could so Ellie didn't have to.

Been doing some German anyway, putting some music on my Ipad, trying to forget. Still can't believe I did so well in my last German assignment, thought I'd done better in the first one. Gotta keep it up!

Here's some pics of the Quayside, Angel and Lee and I. I look rough in all but it had been a long day and I kept getting caught off guard.