The instinct has kicked in early! Decided full flat has to be sorted, decorated, decluttered, etc by the time Theo comes so today we started with the front room. Lee has been painting while I've been carpet cleaning round the house. It's just depressing looking at the clutter and the flat not being 'ours'. So, it has begun!
Tomorrow I am 17 weeks! Only 22 days til my 20 week scan and I cannot wait, despite being horrendously nervous. That is a massive milestone in this pregnancy after last time. Hoping that having it at fetal med will make it easier then I have scans at 23, 28, 32 and 36 weeks. I saw the midwife on Wednesday and the first time I met her, wasn't keen but actually, ow the stress has lifted mostly, I like her a lot. Got to hear my little beast's heartbeat.it's been lovely feeling all his kicks though I get nervous when I don't. I just need to remember he can still hide. I'm also in perfect pregnancy health!
Managed to get the exact same cot we picked with a mattress and protector of my friend, brand new and never used, for £50 rather than the £95 it would have been. Loving it!
Had my first Ellie dream in along time last night. Still finding it hard so trying to let the excitement carry me through. Lots of feelings of guilt but I keep telling myself she sent Theo so to enjoy it. I guess it's never going to be easy :/ but I love both my babies millions.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Thursday, 12 April 2012
How do we do it?
Lee and I make delicious babies. Tonight I got my first proper kick. Just one but he's just a little lad in there! For weeks I have been debating movement it's now becoming more defined.
We have picked out all our nursery furniture and theme and it's gorgeous! IKEA is the best! We are also going down the cloth nappy route. Money saving and good for the environment! We are getting modern ones though, not the ones you pin. I have started getting mother and baby magazine and its really good! The advice and articles are great and it has given me great ideas on things to buy and such. I'm already toy shopping and things. I wan Theo to have everything and be well developed. Being a stay at home mummy will be hard but lovely.
Still dealing with a bit of anxiety which will ease when I see the midwife on wed and she listens to bumpzilla.
Missing Ellie lots, especially knowing he is healthy and she wasn't but I also know she sent him so wants us to be happy. Getting the balance isn't easy when hormonal. I'm sad I will never see them together. Just trying to be strong for Theo.
We have picked out all our nursery furniture and theme and it's gorgeous! IKEA is the best! We are also going down the cloth nappy route. Money saving and good for the environment! We are getting modern ones though, not the ones you pin. I have started getting mother and baby magazine and its really good! The advice and articles are great and it has given me great ideas on things to buy and such. I'm already toy shopping and things. I wan Theo to have everything and be well developed. Being a stay at home mummy will be hard but lovely.
Still dealing with a bit of anxiety which will ease when I see the midwife on wed and she listens to bumpzilla.
Missing Ellie lots, especially knowing he is healthy and she wasn't but I also know she sent him so wants us to be happy. Getting the balance isn't easy when hormonal. I'm sad I will never see them together. Just trying to be strong for Theo.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
The grass isn't always greener.
This past year, I have felt angry and bitter and wondered 'why me' more times than I can count and I never started to grieve properly til I got pregnant again. One thing that has always got me through though is thinking there are people who are worse off than me.
Everybody complains at times at various things. We all do it. It seems like some people though, it's all they do. And it's not just one person, it's a few. Sometimes you just want to shake them and say you have your health, you have a roof over your head, plenty of food, warmth and shelter and yet it's still not good enough?
One of my heroes is a 17 year old girl called Jodie. She has Ehlers Danlos syndrome and one of the most severe cases. Her digestive system doesn't work at all. She has no bowel. She can't eat. She is going to die. Jodie doesn't know if she'll see 25, 20 or even 18 and yet all she ever hopes is that she doesn't get an infection in her central line because it could be devastating. She never complains despite facing the scariest thing I know. Then there's all the PKD kids I know who deal with so much pain and illness and never know what's coming.
The fact of the matter is, I'm pissed Ellie isn't here but we have been given a second chance and I thank the universe every single night for how lucky I am, not only for him but for the roof over my head and the food I eat. We don't have much money right now but we pay our bills and get stuff for our son and that suits me fine. I also know, the kindest thing happened to Ellie. It doesn't ease the pain much but I know it's right.
The world isn't a bad place because you don't always get your way when you demand it. And most often they don't get their own way because they use people or talk to them like crap or live on cloud cuckoo and think things just fall from the sky.
If you have all the basic elements of life, food, warmth, shelter, health and love, then you are luckier than those being raped, murdered, starving and dying of Aids, suffering from cancer, being abused by their parents. But if the world is such a bad place, why don't you swap with one of them and I bet you'll know where the grass is greener.
Everybody complains at times at various things. We all do it. It seems like some people though, it's all they do. And it's not just one person, it's a few. Sometimes you just want to shake them and say you have your health, you have a roof over your head, plenty of food, warmth and shelter and yet it's still not good enough?
One of my heroes is a 17 year old girl called Jodie. She has Ehlers Danlos syndrome and one of the most severe cases. Her digestive system doesn't work at all. She has no bowel. She can't eat. She is going to die. Jodie doesn't know if she'll see 25, 20 or even 18 and yet all she ever hopes is that she doesn't get an infection in her central line because it could be devastating. She never complains despite facing the scariest thing I know. Then there's all the PKD kids I know who deal with so much pain and illness and never know what's coming.
The fact of the matter is, I'm pissed Ellie isn't here but we have been given a second chance and I thank the universe every single night for how lucky I am, not only for him but for the roof over my head and the food I eat. We don't have much money right now but we pay our bills and get stuff for our son and that suits me fine. I also know, the kindest thing happened to Ellie. It doesn't ease the pain much but I know it's right.
The world isn't a bad place because you don't always get your way when you demand it. And most often they don't get their own way because they use people or talk to them like crap or live on cloud cuckoo and think things just fall from the sky.
If you have all the basic elements of life, food, warmth, shelter, health and love, then you are luckier than those being raped, murdered, starving and dying of Aids, suffering from cancer, being abused by their parents. But if the world is such a bad place, why don't you swap with one of them and I bet you'll know where the grass is greener.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Expecting karma
I hope some good karma is coming our way as I am working my backside off the help lots of people.
Between the boxes, helping people who need premature clothing, charities that need knitted goods (since Sam is a crocheting machine lol) and lending my micro out, I'm pretty sure it's due. However, I did get a call back from a golf club about a summer bar job today. It's not loads of hours which is ideal, he knows I'm pregnant and still wants me to go in and it's more money for Theo and clearing bills and debts. Fingers crossed tonight goes well!
Piano and flute exam this Friday. Oh sweet jeebus! Gonna practice today. Less worried for piano than flute but piano is the important one.
I missed a call from genetics on Monday and gill wasn't in yesterday so been worrying a little bit. I know it's about the full report but just got scared that they had made a PKD mistake or have found something else. Highly unlikely though so just gotta wait for a call back. It's also my '12 week' scan tomorrow at the wansbeck and I feel sick. I'm sure I have felt Theo squirming and stuff but like with Ellie, I just can't be sure right now and I am terrified something has happened, though once again, I'm sure it's fine. I'll just be glad to get there and see him. Rainbow pregnancies are so hard.
Between the boxes, helping people who need premature clothing, charities that need knitted goods (since Sam is a crocheting machine lol) and lending my micro out, I'm pretty sure it's due. However, I did get a call back from a golf club about a summer bar job today. It's not loads of hours which is ideal, he knows I'm pregnant and still wants me to go in and it's more money for Theo and clearing bills and debts. Fingers crossed tonight goes well!
Piano and flute exam this Friday. Oh sweet jeebus! Gonna practice today. Less worried for piano than flute but piano is the important one.
I missed a call from genetics on Monday and gill wasn't in yesterday so been worrying a little bit. I know it's about the full report but just got scared that they had made a PKD mistake or have found something else. Highly unlikely though so just gotta wait for a call back. It's also my '12 week' scan tomorrow at the wansbeck and I feel sick. I'm sure I have felt Theo squirming and stuff but like with Ellie, I just can't be sure right now and I am terrified something has happened, though once again, I'm sure it's fine. I'll just be glad to get there and see him. Rainbow pregnancies are so hard.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Baking babies is exhausting
I could just sleep all day long! I have just practiced my flute for next weeks exams and I feel like I've ran a marathon!
I saw Theo on Monday for the first time since the CVS. By the time I see him next week I will have seen him every week for a month and this week he looked so much bigger! He was camera shy, turned over as soon as the sonographer started but he did have a few jump abouts.
We've started buying a few bits and bobs. He certainly isn't going to run out of newborn or 0-3 size clothes, we have lots already! I've started buying 3-6. You can never be too prepared with a baby and with toiletries, Lee and I use baby products too so nothing will get wasted.
The big decision is the VBAC vs repeat C-section debate. I can't be induced because after a section, induction increases your risk of uterine rupture x 12 which is about 5% I think. Hospitals, naturally aren't keen to do it. I feel a bit like people are pressuring me into a natural birth which isn't fair really because I have to do what is right for Theo and I and I don't think waiting til 42 weeks if he takes that long is the right thing to do. If I labour then need a section it comes with more complications and a lot of VBACs end in section anyway. However, I have made a compromise decision to myself. I am booking for a section but if Theo comes before the 39 weeks, I will try and do it naturally. I can't warrant going past the 39 weeks as it isn't always safe and 39 weeks is the best time for an elective section. The good news is, speaking the my PKD mums, pretty much all their healthy children came at term, rather than premmie, as many PKD babies do so my belief for Ellie's early entrance seems to be well founded.
Lee did a 20 mile bike ride Saturday past for charity and did really well. Now we are preparing for our fancy dress night but are doing some things during the day too. No wonder I am tired!
Mothers day was lovely by the way :)
I saw Theo on Monday for the first time since the CVS. By the time I see him next week I will have seen him every week for a month and this week he looked so much bigger! He was camera shy, turned over as soon as the sonographer started but he did have a few jump abouts.
We've started buying a few bits and bobs. He certainly isn't going to run out of newborn or 0-3 size clothes, we have lots already! I've started buying 3-6. You can never be too prepared with a baby and with toiletries, Lee and I use baby products too so nothing will get wasted.
The big decision is the VBAC vs repeat C-section debate. I can't be induced because after a section, induction increases your risk of uterine rupture x 12 which is about 5% I think. Hospitals, naturally aren't keen to do it. I feel a bit like people are pressuring me into a natural birth which isn't fair really because I have to do what is right for Theo and I and I don't think waiting til 42 weeks if he takes that long is the right thing to do. If I labour then need a section it comes with more complications and a lot of VBACs end in section anyway. However, I have made a compromise decision to myself. I am booking for a section but if Theo comes before the 39 weeks, I will try and do it naturally. I can't warrant going past the 39 weeks as it isn't always safe and 39 weeks is the best time for an elective section. The good news is, speaking the my PKD mums, pretty much all their healthy children came at term, rather than premmie, as many PKD babies do so my belief for Ellie's early entrance seems to be well founded.
Lee did a 20 mile bike ride Saturday past for charity and did really well. Now we are preparing for our fancy dress night but are doing some things during the day too. No wonder I am tired!
Mothers day was lovely by the way :)
Thursday, 15 March 2012
A new life
Today brought the amazing news that our little BOY is healthy, not even a carrier. I was already besotted with baby but now we are on cloud 9. All of our prayers and messages to both God and Ellie came true. The chromosome count was perfect too so no downs syndrome etc. We will get the full report in a fortnight.
I'm excited in a way I never was last time and though I won't relax til Theo is here, it's like the weight of the world has been lifted.
For all the joy, we are still desperately sad that Ellie isn't here and I hope she never thinks I am replacing her. I think about her all the time especially how she timed this baby through her birthday, then my CVS on her due date to finding out today, just before mothers day. She is my first, my little fairy and I will talk about her til the day I die but now she has given me a reason to smile and to want to 'move on' and live. I will never stop grieving and Theo will know all about her but this is a new start with our little piglet :)
I'm excited in a way I never was last time and though I won't relax til Theo is here, it's like the weight of the world has been lifted.
For all the joy, we are still desperately sad that Ellie isn't here and I hope she never thinks I am replacing her. I think about her all the time especially how she timed this baby through her birthday, then my CVS on her due date to finding out today, just before mothers day. She is my first, my little fairy and I will talk about her til the day I die but now she has given me a reason to smile and to want to 'move on' and live. I will never stop grieving and Theo will know all about her but this is a new start with our little piglet :)
Monday, 12 March 2012
The final stretch
Our CVS is done and now we just have to wait.
I barely slept last night and when we got into the scan room today, I could see the baby right in front of the placenta, which made it unaccessible. Luckily we were given the option of a transvaginal CVS or waiting 2 weeks. The pain of waiting has been so hard so we opted for the vaginal route. They say there is a higher risk of miscarriage at 2% but evidence doesn't prove that. Our midwives and doctor were amazing, so caring and compassionate. I held Ellie's blanket through it since it is her due date after all. The test was like bad period pains but quick. The doctor got the sample out in one and it was quite a large sample she said (though it looked tiny!). So now we wait til Friday or Monday and pray really hard that this baby is the one.
In terms of baby, he/she is growing lovely and they are super active compared to their sister! The dr could barely measure them. I must have a built in mp3 player in my womb!
I barely slept last night and when we got into the scan room today, I could see the baby right in front of the placenta, which made it unaccessible. Luckily we were given the option of a transvaginal CVS or waiting 2 weeks. The pain of waiting has been so hard so we opted for the vaginal route. They say there is a higher risk of miscarriage at 2% but evidence doesn't prove that. Our midwives and doctor were amazing, so caring and compassionate. I held Ellie's blanket through it since it is her due date after all. The test was like bad period pains but quick. The doctor got the sample out in one and it was quite a large sample she said (though it looked tiny!). So now we wait til Friday or Monday and pray really hard that this baby is the one.
In terms of baby, he/she is growing lovely and they are super active compared to their sister! The dr could barely measure them. I must have a built in mp3 player in my womb!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)