zzzzzzzzz x infinity

I got up at 8am, I've been in the shower, got ready and now I'm ready for bed again at 10.35am! Nightmare, because my house is a bomb site.

I am feeling better about things though. You know what? I just don't have time to give a shit. Not only have other people's actions caused me to learn who my real friends are, I have a wonderful husband who brings me flowers and chocolate bars, teaches me to be stronger and makes me laugh when he is naughty with his sneaky pints, a beautiful fairy and a gorgeous son due in 3-5 weeks so what else do I need? Certainly not those that bring me down and cause me stress when I should be super excited. As if I wasn't nervous enough panicking about labour, c sections and stillbirths. So I'm moving on and while we aren't cutting anybody out of our lives, people can work around us from now on, not the other way round. I am past caring about pleasing other people because all it brings me is tears and stress while they all get to do whatever they want and it makes Lee get stressed because he is trying to cheer me up. So as long as Lee and Theo are happy, I'm really not going to bother working on the rest. They can make themselves happy, it's not my job to worry about them and if they aren't happy, it's not my fault, they need to look at their own actions in life because people certainly don't lose any sleep when they upset Lee and I.

I have a scan on Friday. You'd think I'd not be nervous about scans at this point but it just never goes away, especially not after the Gary Barlow news a fortnight ago. I haven't needed to go to any but 1 reassurance CTGs because Theo has been moving quite a lot but I think I'll want them more after the 35/36 week mark. I guess the thing about stillbirth worry is most are preventable if you catch them in time and with me having check ups so bloody often, I'm sure it would be really hard to miss but I can't breathe easy til the little gruffalo is here. I've been playing my piano a lot, just easy film music and stuff to help and it really has.

Got my bump photos too, and I love them. Can't wait until Theo is here to get some done of him! He's gonna be gorgeous!

1 month wake up call

I can't keep saying enough how quickly this year has passed and now here we are at 33 weeks, only one month away from term.

I had a scan on Thursday past, Theo was weighing in at 4.1 lbs, exactly on the 50th centile line so totally average. I'm getting more and more nervous all the time so Dr McKenzie has been fantastic and scheduled me in for 3 CTGS this week and a scan the week after, then that pattern will happen again across the subsequent fortnight. I know it's just for reassurance but it really helps. He is so active all the time and it feels really weird now haha.

I feel like I'm constantly stressed all the time too. I've already made the decision that I am sick of loads of people hounding me about when they can have Theo to babysit him. Everybody else gets to raise their kids or be around other people's without me and Lee having to lose precious time in the beginning that we didn't have last time. I appreciate everyone is excited but he is our baby and I'm sick of crying at night because of people putting me under pressure. It's really not fair. It's got me so wound up that it's ruining my excitement for him being here. So, if it's a month, so be it and if I don't want to hand him out for 3 months, then that's also fine by me. This is about Lee, Theo and I and our family and what is right for us.

I spend my life trying to please people and I don't know why I bother. It always displeases someone and I'm getting to the point, as long as it isn't my husband or child, I don't care. Right now, for example, I am 33 weeks pregnant and I am the one for the most part who has to go visiting everybody else, despite being fat and sore and tired. There is an exception to the rule or two but really, what is that all about? I've been doing it this whole pregnancy mostly and I'm sick. And I'm pretty sure if I didn't, I'd get called for it for not bothering. I can't win when I'm soft, because people walk over me and when I man up, I'm unreasonable.

So basically, when Theo comes and I get out of hospital, I am going to lie round with him and enjoy him. I may not be able to drive anyway and if people want to visit and Lee is out, they can make their own tea like the Health visitor says. I know once I recover, I'm going to be super busy between baby clubs and classes to meet people, appointments I have to keep and being a good mum so for once, people can come to us or put up with not seeing us much. All this stressing is not doing my little boy any good.

Tell me again how babies get out?

All I can say is do not watch 'One Born Every Minute' style programs when you are going to be giving birth soon. It's not good. Barely recovered! I love me some epidural!

32 weeks in 2 days and it is ticking over very fast! I have another scan on Thursday so I'm hoping Theo is still peachy perfect in there. I, on the other hand, can barely put my socks on!

I turned 25 on the 1st. I didn't do much, we went for a meal at night but I did get spoilt from family and friends which was nice. I'm much more of a Christmas person as it is for everyone, plus it's more exciting with a Theo-zilla on the way. I'm so excited planning all the places to take him and things to do!

The closer birth gets, the harder I am finding things, I must admit. It is making me remember things a lot more (I try not to think hospital thoughts too much, despite always talking about Ellie but its unavoidable) and I am feeling under pressure counting movements and things, given that it was an issue with Ellie and we never got past 35 weeks. I miss her so much and the thought that anything could happen to Theo is unbearable. The sooner he is here safe, the better!

75% baked

30 weeks on Sunday. Wow! Then it will be 7-9 1/2 weeks left. Bit of a scary thought.

I have to say, while I never take any day for granted and I count kicks religiously and even semi-enjoy pregnancy, I am glad to be near the end. I am constantly tired and getting out of bed all the time for the toilet is just plain annoying. I'm really scared for birth and just want it out of the way.

I'm scared for Theo being here too. When friend's have been into the pub with their new babies, it makes it super exciting but I'm terrified, knowing how fragile life really is. Having worked with sick kids really doesn't help. I'm taking it one day at a time but it is overwhelming. I know Ellie is protecting us all and making things good but my faith was really shaken last year and it's hard to get that confidence back.

However, Dr McKenzie has given us the go-ahead for a sweep at 37 weeks. We are actually allowed to go past our dates but to be honest, Lee and I don't want to. If I get to 41 weeks and haven't gone into labour, it would still be a C-Section as induction is more dangerous after a previous section so I'd rather have him here sooner, safe and sound.

So, fingers crossed for 7 weeks!

Fearing fear

For the majority of this pregnancy, my anxiety has not overwhelmed me but this past week has been slightly harder, I must admit. I don't know if it is subconscious as between week 27-28 in Ellie's pregnancy, we got our ARPKD diagnosis, or whether it is just as impending birth looms closer.

Before Ellie, I suspect I had mild Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It wasn't specific to health for me and it wasn't something that really affected my life in a big way. Death just hadn't been a big part of my life. So, for the first major figure in my life to die to be my daughter, I guess it was going to take a huge effect and that was when it started to become health anxiety. Well, it really started in the pregnancy. As I said before, I didn't realise how traumatic it all was until this pregnancy has been so normal (as it can be with CVSs and the likes).

This week, the fear has crept back in a bit and the fear of one of the 3 of us dying has been in my mind a lot. It's not horrendous but enough to upset me.  The problem with anxiety or depression is, unless you have been on the receiving end, you will never know what it is like. For example, an overwhelming fear of a brain tumour might illicit responses such as 'You're fine' or 'don't be stupid' but if you genuinely have that fear, its really hard to resolve it and then your body creates symptoms in response. My mind can't correct itself as easy as that. Don't get me wrong, the anti-depressants really helped to get me back on track and now I can rationalise quite well, for the most part. Occasionally, it isn't so easy, like this week. I guess I fear that things were crap for Lee and I for so long, and now that they are easy and happy, the universe is going to trip us up or this is the calm before a storm, which is quite unlikely. I'm really frightened of dying during labour or surgery, because last time we didn't get enough time and I want us to be a happy family. I panic that because Theo is fine, I will be the one to die this time, leaving him and Lee alones but I see other PKD families who went through the same as us and think it's just the anxiety back again. Perhaps it will ease this week and I will go back to managing quite well.

In other news, Lee has been putting up curtains and pictures today and our flat is starting to look like a home.  I wanted everything done before Theo arrives and it is almost there. I didn't realise how bland it was til we started this. Plus, we are getting more obsessive with tidying now too.  I even iron! I love having my two boys to look after. I didn't expect little touches to make such a difference but am excited for it being finished to see how fab it looks!

Awkward Child

So, for days and days, Theo has moved plenty but had reduced his kicking. This didn't worry me hugely, because he was still moving a lot but I still thought it warranted a check up call. One should never play with a child's life after all. I rang delivery and kept saying he was moving loads but reduced movements kept getting mentioned and they wanted me to go it.

I got put on a trace. They don't normally do it until 28 weeks but they said they would try. For 45 minutes that child would not move and I nearly died. You have to factor in that happened with Ellie bear and she was born after half an hour of not moving. After that, he never stopped. I went home hours later, and he still didn't stop. I fell asleep at 1am (after puking, too much food) and when I woke up, he is still kicking! What a little monster! But then, how do you stay mad after looking at his smiley face photo?!

It's weird when I feel him move to believe (well, I almost believe, not completely) that in 10-12 weeks there will be a little boy inhabiting our bedroom and house with us. I never once believed Ellie was coming home yet I loved her a million times more because she was special. She wasn't like normal babies and I loved her more for it. While I love her more every day, I love Theo in a different way, because I know he is healthy and feeling him kick isn't marred with sadness and wondering how long I will have with him. I don't romanticise having a baby. I know he will cause me more worry and grief than anybody else. I know there will be days when I sit and cry because I am so tired, my boobs hurt from feeding and he won't stop crying. I know it will make my grief a  bit more painful because I will realise what I missed out on last time. I will be sore from surgery and want to cry when I can't get up without the pain or if nature takes its course, it will burn when I wee lol but he is worth it all. He is worth all the stress so far and to come. I'll probably just sit and stare at him for the first 3 months. It just seems unreal that it is so close and all this kicking that makes me laugh will be gone, and in it's place, a real boy!

Sometimes it is hard to believe Ellie was here and real. I don't always allow myself to reflect on that time too much because it is a killer. I think about her but not the facts. I never realised just how traumatic the pregnancy was until this pregnancy and I'm sure the same will be said of giving birth etc. But, while I love them differently, it is not more or less than one another. Theo wouldn't be here without Ellie, wouldn't be safe without his fairy sister and I would go through every bit of pain again for her. Not that she caused pain, the ARPKD did but her little brother is sure causing me some pain in 3rd trimester, little bugger!

All I know is it's different this time and that can't be a bad thing. It's just different. So roll on September!

Hello 10 week countdown!

Can't believe this little lad! How content is he?! It's funny, on some pictures, he is Lee's image and on a couple of others, he doesn't look like me but instead, like my brother Joel. This is a Joel pic below:

I don't care who he looks like, as long as he kicks lots and keeps growing well. He was sitting at 2.2lbs the other day and about 3 days smaller than gestational age but scanning and sizes are very subjective arts so not totally accurate. I have a scan a week on Thursday so it will be interesting to see. When I checked the centile charts, if he followed them without picking up growth speed, by the time he is born at 39 weeks, we could be looking at 6lb 8 oz which to be honest, is a really nice size. Anywhere between 6 and a half pounds and 8 and a half is more than fine with me.

And of course, we are here  in 3rd trimester, which is the tri of incredibly mixed feelings. It's the weeks where I worry more but we also get more excited. At minimum, its a 10 week wait til term and if he doesn't come out til a planned section, at most, 12 and a half weeks so not long at all. Three months will fly by. I am starting to struggle with sleep at night and things and it's really difficult bending over but I'm managing. It's much easier now that everything is nearly sorted for Theo being here. I'm going to start thinking about packing hospital bags and birth plans and things this week!