Awkward Child

So, for days and days, Theo has moved plenty but had reduced his kicking. This didn't worry me hugely, because he was still moving a lot but I still thought it warranted a check up call. One should never play with a child's life after all. I rang delivery and kept saying he was moving loads but reduced movements kept getting mentioned and they wanted me to go it.

I got put on a trace. They don't normally do it until 28 weeks but they said they would try. For 45 minutes that child would not move and I nearly died. You have to factor in that happened with Ellie bear and she was born after half an hour of not moving. After that, he never stopped. I went home hours later, and he still didn't stop. I fell asleep at 1am (after puking, too much food) and when I woke up, he is still kicking! What a little monster! But then, how do you stay mad after looking at his smiley face photo?!

It's weird when I feel him move to believe (well, I almost believe, not completely) that in 10-12 weeks there will be a little boy inhabiting our bedroom and house with us. I never once believed Ellie was coming home yet I loved her a million times more because she was special. She wasn't like normal babies and I loved her more for it. While I love her more every day, I love Theo in a different way, because I know he is healthy and feeling him kick isn't marred with sadness and wondering how long I will have with him. I don't romanticise having a baby. I know he will cause me more worry and grief than anybody else. I know there will be days when I sit and cry because I am so tired, my boobs hurt from feeding and he won't stop crying. I know it will make my grief a  bit more painful because I will realise what I missed out on last time. I will be sore from surgery and want to cry when I can't get up without the pain or if nature takes its course, it will burn when I wee lol but he is worth it all. He is worth all the stress so far and to come. I'll probably just sit and stare at him for the first 3 months. It just seems unreal that it is so close and all this kicking that makes me laugh will be gone, and in it's place, a real boy!

Sometimes it is hard to believe Ellie was here and real. I don't always allow myself to reflect on that time too much because it is a killer. I think about her but not the facts. I never realised just how traumatic the pregnancy was until this pregnancy and I'm sure the same will be said of giving birth etc. But, while I love them differently, it is not more or less than one another. Theo wouldn't be here without Ellie, wouldn't be safe without his fairy sister and I would go through every bit of pain again for her. Not that she caused pain, the ARPKD did but her little brother is sure causing me some pain in 3rd trimester, little bugger!

All I know is it's different this time and that can't be a bad thing. It's just different. So roll on September!