Our CVS is done and now we just have to wait.
I barely slept last night and when we got into the scan room today, I could see the baby right in front of the placenta, which made it unaccessible. Luckily we were given the option of a transvaginal CVS or waiting 2 weeks. The pain of waiting has been so hard so we opted for the vaginal route. They say there is a higher risk of miscarriage at 2% but evidence doesn't prove that. Our midwives and doctor were amazing, so caring and compassionate. I held Ellie's blanket through it since it is her due date after all. The test was like bad period pains but quick. The doctor got the sample out in one and it was quite a large sample she said (though it looked tiny!). So now we wait til Friday or Monday and pray really hard that this baby is the one.
In terms of baby, he/she is growing lovely and they are super active compared to their sister! The dr could barely measure them. I must have a built in mp3 player in my womb!
Monday, 12 March 2012
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Nearly there
I don't know wether to be relieved or terrified. My CVS is supposed to be Monday though they may put it back a week. My placenta is on the back so it may need to be done cervically rather than abdominally but they aren't sure if they'll wait or not. I know if they wait they are doing it for the right reasons but I just want them to rip of the plaster now, so to speak.
The miscarriage rate is 2% with this test although most of the time it's less if the doctor is really experienced, which ours is. I've considered doing it just by scan but then my options would be carry to term or stillbirth if it went wrong and I considered carrying to term in the event of an adverse diagnosis but I can't do that either. It's not fair to anyone, especially a terribly sick baby. People are often quick to judge, saying they would carry anyway but I saw the agony my child went through. I was there in the room when the cut the cord and she couldn't breathe. I watched her oxygen sats deteriorate and I won't do that again. It's not right.
I do have a good feeling about this baby but at the same time, I won't let myself believe it just in case my heart gets broken again. So, let's hope they do the test this week and put us out of our misery!
The miscarriage rate is 2% with this test although most of the time it's less if the doctor is really experienced, which ours is. I've considered doing it just by scan but then my options would be carry to term or stillbirth if it went wrong and I considered carrying to term in the event of an adverse diagnosis but I can't do that either. It's not fair to anyone, especially a terribly sick baby. People are often quick to judge, saying they would carry anyway but I saw the agony my child went through. I was there in the room when the cut the cord and she couldn't breathe. I watched her oxygen sats deteriorate and I won't do that again. It's not right.
I do have a good feeling about this baby but at the same time, I won't let myself believe it just in case my heart gets broken again. So, let's hope they do the test this week and put us out of our misery!
Saturday, 25 February 2012
Velocity
Can't believe how fast time is passing. I am 9 weeks today! My scan is a week on Monday and I am terrified because I know the CVS is then coming and even worse, the results. It's horrible, so ethnic you can't understand unless you are going through or have been through it. It's torture.
I've been feeling really low lately but I've decided this pregnancy, if all is well, I'm not going to try and please everybody else. Why should I? You know, I am always expected to say 'congrats on the new job' or 'well done' on good news to my siblings. I have given them lifts when they have needed them, fought their cases when my parents were unreasonable. And what do I get in return? Nothing, never the same decency. My brothers totally ignored my daughter's birthday and angelversary and my sister think she has a right to tell me how I should feel and cope with this pregnancy when she barely bothers with us and my mum always gives me the grief except, they are the ones who only care about themselves.
I have cried about it but Lee tells me why bother. They aren't worth it. Let's face it, they won't bother about this baby and in actual fact, I don't want them there when he/she is born because if they can't take the rough, they certainly aren't going to be part of the smooth and get to spend time with a baby that at this point they aren't bothered about. And when I get grief for it this time, I won't care, because they brought this on themselves. This baby deserves better than half-arsed.
I've been feeling really low lately but I've decided this pregnancy, if all is well, I'm not going to try and please everybody else. Why should I? You know, I am always expected to say 'congrats on the new job' or 'well done' on good news to my siblings. I have given them lifts when they have needed them, fought their cases when my parents were unreasonable. And what do I get in return? Nothing, never the same decency. My brothers totally ignored my daughter's birthday and angelversary and my sister think she has a right to tell me how I should feel and cope with this pregnancy when she barely bothers with us and my mum always gives me the grief except, they are the ones who only care about themselves.
I have cried about it but Lee tells me why bother. They aren't worth it. Let's face it, they won't bother about this baby and in actual fact, I don't want them there when he/she is born because if they can't take the rough, they certainly aren't going to be part of the smooth and get to spend time with a baby that at this point they aren't bothered about. And when I get grief for it this time, I won't care, because they brought this on themselves. This baby deserves better than half-arsed.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Owie
This pregnancy is full of me being sick, a bad back, period pains, achy legs, exhaustion and pregnancy brain. Much hard than last time!
We had a scan on Thursday just gone and our little monster was looking good in there. A month has passed so quickly and now I am 8 weeks. My RVI scan is 2 weeks on Monday then hopefully the test will be the week after. I am getting more and more terrified.
Luckily, my baby loss mums and friend's are pulling me through. I'm going to the cinema a couple of times and helping with the boxes and bits so it all helps to pass the time.
I keep thinking it's morenthan likely that this baby is fine which is good. I try to ignore the baby sometimes but feel so crap, it's impossible!and still, in my head, I keep making plans for them and debating natural v's c-section. But this time I am doing it all my way, not to suit other people. Last time listening to others nearly resulted in me having a stillbirth.
We had a scan on Thursday just gone and our little monster was looking good in there. A month has passed so quickly and now I am 8 weeks. My RVI scan is 2 weeks on Monday then hopefully the test will be the week after. I am getting more and more terrified.
Luckily, my baby loss mums and friend's are pulling me through. I'm going to the cinema a couple of times and helping with the boxes and bits so it all helps to pass the time.
I keep thinking it's morenthan likely that this baby is fine which is good. I try to ignore the baby sometimes but feel so crap, it's impossible!and still, in my head, I keep making plans for them and debating natural v's c-section. But this time I am doing it all my way, not to suit other people. Last time listening to others nearly resulted in me having a stillbirth.
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
3 in 4, 3 in 4
The hard part of this pregnancy is maintaining positivity but more often than not, it appears on it's own.
75% is good. 3 in 4. I know so many people who have have 2nd or even 3rd children who are fine. I know one woman who had 2 healthy sons before she lost one. So, for now, I am feeling good.
I must admit, coming off my anti-depressants, while I have very little anxiety, has left me with a mild depression for now though I believe this is temporary. I am starting to make myself do things to break out of it. It's not easy though because I feel terrible, with a minor cold and morning sickness, sensitive skin, etc. Don't remember last pregnancy being so miserable but it's ok if my baby is healthy. I am totally off healthy food too. Great for snack companies, not great for my waist!
My 4Ellie-phant boxes seem to be helping people which makes me really happy too. I gave one to a friend who had a premmie baby, she was so happy with it and once has been sent to a little boy with renal disease today. Hope they like theirs!
75% is good. 3 in 4. I know so many people who have have 2nd or even 3rd children who are fine. I know one woman who had 2 healthy sons before she lost one. So, for now, I am feeling good.
I must admit, coming off my anti-depressants, while I have very little anxiety, has left me with a mild depression for now though I believe this is temporary. I am starting to make myself do things to break out of it. It's not easy though because I feel terrible, with a minor cold and morning sickness, sensitive skin, etc. Don't remember last pregnancy being so miserable but it's ok if my baby is healthy. I am totally off healthy food too. Great for snack companies, not great for my waist!
My 4Ellie-phant boxes seem to be helping people which makes me really happy too. I gave one to a friend who had a premmie baby, she was so happy with it and once has been sent to a little boy with renal disease today. Hope they like theirs!
Monday, 6 February 2012
Scanned
My baby is alive, which was lovely to see first thing this morning. Give or take 5 days I am 5 weeks and 6 days burst this stage it is not very accurate. Only one baby that they can see, phew!
If course, Lee is foaming now because we had our happiness ruined by a 'supportive' family member who thinks they have a clue about this pregnancy. I know everybody feels loss for Ellie. However, this is our baby, nobody else's and if we want to tell people about it, it is our choice. We are happy but realistic and we wanted it out in the open for support because I felt under a lot of pressure and wasn't coping very well. Well apparently that is how it should be or I have to rely on family and close friend's. Family that never bother wi me unless it suits them or think a text is adequate. Family who judge us for our choices in a pregnancy that they know nothing about.
So I apologise for not keeping this baby a dirty little secret in case it is unhealthy. Incidentally, if I couldn't have the CVS, like my friend Nancy and had to do it by scan, people would have noticed at 13 or 14 weeks. I apologise for getting support from people other than family, since you know, they actually bother with me.
No worries. I'm sure said family will be excited and wanting to be round all the time when this baby is healthy and born. Except then, it will be too late and they will wish they hadn't made a judgement when they don't have a clue how it feels.
If course, Lee is foaming now because we had our happiness ruined by a 'supportive' family member who thinks they have a clue about this pregnancy. I know everybody feels loss for Ellie. However, this is our baby, nobody else's and if we want to tell people about it, it is our choice. We are happy but realistic and we wanted it out in the open for support because I felt under a lot of pressure and wasn't coping very well. Well apparently that is how it should be or I have to rely on family and close friend's. Family that never bother wi me unless it suits them or think a text is adequate. Family who judge us for our choices in a pregnancy that they know nothing about.
So I apologise for not keeping this baby a dirty little secret in case it is unhealthy. Incidentally, if I couldn't have the CVS, like my friend Nancy and had to do it by scan, people would have noticed at 13 or 14 weeks. I apologise for getting support from people other than family, since you know, they actually bother with me.
No worries. I'm sure said family will be excited and wanting to be round all the time when this baby is healthy and born. Except then, it will be too late and they will wish they hadn't made a judgement when they don't have a clue how it feels.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Happy birthday Ellie
I can hardly believe a year has passed but one year ago at 10.24pm tonight, Ellie came into the world and changed my life.
We had some little cakes and have sent her a balloon. Her birthday present isn't finished yet but it won't be too long. I am also planning to make a window box full of flowers for her as our kitchen windows really big.
Most of all for her birthday, I thank her for the little baby in my belly but pray that she keeps her brother or sister safe and healthy.
We had some little cakes and have sent her a balloon. Her birthday present isn't finished yet but it won't be too long. I am also planning to make a window box full of flowers for her as our kitchen windows really big.
Most of all for her birthday, I thank her for the little baby in my belly but pray that she keeps her brother or sister safe and healthy.
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