In the blink of an eye

It's been a while since I updated, just been so snowed under.

My little rainbow baby is nearly 10 months, what??!! If he wasn't such a funny, loving little character, I would cry but he is hilarious and my little snuggle bum. His personality is just huge and infectious, he is so happy. Right now, he is a little frustrated as he is desperate to get on the move, but despite the fact he will be into everything, it will be easier once he gets going because he won't feel hindered. Theo is now the proud owner of 3 teeth, he is fast becoming a little chatterbox, loves the piano and likes to sit in the big boy seat of the trolley when shopping! He is pulling himself up on things and has a million toys but insists on playing with our keys or phones! He is just my sun, moon, and stars and I can't stop kissing him, to which he always kisses back.

We had our first family holiday in May, the 3 of us plus my sister, which was a nice break. The caravan park wasn't the best but a break is a break and we got to do some good things. Lee, Theo and I are also off to Haggerston Castle in September, up in Berwick.

In myself, I have struggled a lot. There has been a few family members (or family of family members) who have had cancer, 2 out of 3 have died, and so my health anxiety was really triggered, combined with being run down. I am on a waiting list for some cognitive behavioural therapy and asked the doctor to go back on my antidepressants just for a while until I have the CBT and have got back on top of things. Sadly, Lee's gran died too and while it was for a different reason and didn't trigger my health anxiety, actually being involved in funeral planning and things was a real struggle as I ended up having so many flashbacks which for the most part I manage to lock away. Luckily, Theo and Lee are the best medicine ever and I'm feeling much happier. It's really all just been everything at once.

My studies are going so well. I've been thinking I'm not doing as well as I would like but turns out anything over 70% is a first, so actually getting top marks! I was struggling for a while since our PC was down and out but now we have a mac book so I'm back on top just about and determined to succeed.

We are waiting to hear about a mortgage in the next couple of weeks but I'm mostly planning Theo's christening, studying and practising piano. And of course, looking after Theo, which I love. I wish his sister was here to enjoy him but I think, had she been here, he wouldn't be so it's a funny feeling. When Ellie was here, in my belly and out, I knew her because I had grown her but now, I know Theo so much more than I ever knew her. I wonder what she would have been like in terms of personality, and what battles we would be having now at the terrible twos. Most of the time I try not to think too hard. I am also terrified knowing one day soon, in a year or so, we will be thinking about getting pregnant again. So for now, I'm just going to forget.

Poorly baby

Well, for the most part of April, I have had a poorly baba, first with a really bad case of rotavirus and now recovering from cold/teething so, it's been a hard month but at least, unlike some babies, Theo has recovered so I am not too hung up on it.

He is 7 and a half months, I really cannot believe it! We are nearly at the point of sitting unassisted, Theo loves toast (with butter or chocolate philadelphia) and baby crisps, his conversations are great and he will only eat his breakfast if I sing 'Running up that hill' by Kate Bush (as witnessed by my sister!). Good taste in music anyway! We LOVE Kate Bush (well, mammy does!).

I have been doing really well on my open uni degree too which is great. 85% and 75% on 2 different assignments! I have had to rearrange the degree to avoid subjects that will really trigger my health anxiety so half of it will be in Music, but that part will be a challenge but also fun for me. I have a place to go to work from September-ish as a private singing teacher which is really exciting but means I need to brush up on my musicals and get my pop music singing exams done eventually, so I know what happens at them. It's all stuff to focus on though.

Theo will be going on his first holiday soon, to Cayton Bay in Scarborough. We are really looking forward to it. I think he'll love being able to go swimming everyday, we even have him a little wet suit.

Two special friends came back into my life this week, leaving me feeling much happier. They are very important people to me and have been for 10 years now. It was difficult with one, who has not long had a baby girl called, you guessed it, Ellie and I knew she would be worried about how it would be but I miss my baby, not her name. I'm so happy for her, nothing else. And her little one is beautiful, shaping up to be a little character too!

I do feel sad that I don't get time to reflect on Ellie so much, it was so fast that it's still hard to believe she was here but I know she wouldn't want me to waste the time I have with Theo. I'm lucky to have 2 amazing children!

Pause for thought

It's been a while since I wrote. So much has been going on, it's hard to find the time.

We made it through Ellie's 2nd birthday and angelversary without TOO much suffering. It was so much easier with Theo here. Each day I take a step towards being a little bit more 'me', as much as I can be having lost Ellie. It will never be fixed but it is easier now. I often don't have time to think is more the case.

Theo is 6 months this week. Already! He is such a little character, so funny and he is very, very cheeky! He is more intelligent by the day but also incredibly loving, always dishing out the kissies. For the first time on mother's day, he held his arms out for me to pick him up :) He is still little in terms of weight and general size but he is long. His love of his feet knows no bounds right now, he can get them in his mouth and he finds sneezing hilarious! We go to a few baby groups and I have a bit of a social life going on.

Between mothering and being a wife, I'm managing to cram in my degree and my 3 instruments. How, I'm not quite sure. It's tiring to say the least. Sometimes being so busy antagonises the anxiety by running me down, other times it helps I think. Things are a bit uneven now because we moved house not so long ago and I felt really secure in my flat before, but I'm starting to get used to the new house slowly.

Onwards and upwards :)

Papering the cracks

2013 is here already, I can't believe it. Another new year and a positive new start with my 2 gorgeous boys.

Theo is 17 weeks this week. I've blinked and here we are. Once upon a time, I thought he would never get here! Now, he just laughs and smiles at everything, he is hilarious. We've started him with a 4xB routine: bath, boob, book, bed haha. It works, he is out for the count (so is his daddy!). He sneaks into bed at about 4am for a feed and stays tucked up with mammy til morning and when Lee gets up, he opens an eye, snuggles back in and sleeps til 10am, lol.

All my new school books came for my 3 modules for my degree. There is some serious workload. The courses don't begin til Feb 2nd so at least I'm making headway. I'm even exercising and practising piano when I can, with a date night crammed in tomorrow for good measure. It's all a case of so little time, so much to do, which normally helps but I do so well and then my anxiety kicks in. My vision is off again, eye strain from a lot of computer based study, which also causes the headaches. Then I get frightened.

I knew at the time what happened with Ellie was awful. Now, she is almost 2 and I look back and think, it was horrific and traumatic. I remember being physically unable to sleep until I was given sleeping tablets. I remember sitting in a funeral car thinking 'how did I get here?'. And now, I have a beautiful little boy who is my everything and a husband who keeps telling me I can do things and I will be great and not fail and I keep thinking 'when will I not be broken anymore? when will this anxiety go away?' I know I will never be the same person and I don't grieve in the same way as I did, mostly because I won't let myself think too much about that time in hospital, only about Ellie and that she was here. Maybe I need to think about that to get over it. I am happy and I keep getting knocked down by fear and people who say there's no point in worrying don't understand because they haven't got anxiety. It is terrible. I would rather have the flu followed by the norovirus because they go away.

I live my life thinking of how exciting our future is and then freaking out that somehow, the universe is going to knock us down again in some equally horrific way. I'm tired, I just want to be normal. I appreciate in a short space of time, it has gone from being me and Lee to being 3 to being 2 again, then pregnancy then 3 again. I was happy being the 2 of us, even after a while after Ellie, I learned to enjoy just us. Now we have it all bar her and it's like that one missing link to my ability to just not worry about things.

Maybe one day I'll be fixed. At least for now, Theo is here and he is my heart's bandage.

It's nearly here!

Woohoo for Xmas! I still don't feel festive but it will be great anyway, not that Theo will know any different! He just like the lights.

My jubjub has been with my mum today so apart from tidying, I have started my new module, 'Infectious Disease and Public Health'.  It's really intense but mega interesting. It doesn't officially begin until Feb 2nd so hopefully by the time it starts, I will be ahead of the game a fair bit. I'm also working towards a piano exam plus add a 3 month old into the mix so it's important to be organised.

Tomorrow, Theo and I are off to see his Aunty Jess and her kids, who he hasn't yet met and then Monday is Xmas eve! Can't wait for Lee to have a couple of days off next week and just enjoy the week. Even those with their little snidey comments about our parenting and acting as if I have nothing to do with how well our son is turning out can't get me down ('cause I know its a load of shit) because I'm on a high with my two gorgeous men by my side :)!

And the bells were ringing out for Christmas day

Yay, Theo's first Xmas is next week. He has been given presents from loads of people already, they are waiting under the tree! :) I've been singing him lots of Xmas songs which he loves. His little character gets better every day and it's a joy to watch. He loves playing games with his dad and chatting away to him but he's likes my singing better (haha) and when he wants snuggles he looks for his mummy a bit more, especially at night. He loves gallivanting to family's houses too, the little flirt and I can see him really starting to take to his godparents to be, Mel and Marion (don't worry Bev, he will be getting to know you soon and I tell him all about you). The fact that he is already trying to sit up as well is impressive. It will take him a while yet but he's giving it a good go!

Theo is at his Grandad Andy and Grandma Sam's today so I'm just wrapping, tidying, playing piano and chilling out. It is a really horrible day. I'm not feeling so festive this year but I think that will change as he gets bigger and we do more Xmassy things. I know Xmas will be great, we are going to my mum's for dinner and we will be stopping in at my Dad's house as he is home this year. Lee is at work boxing day which isn't great but he gets paid a lot for it so Theo and I will just be going back to my mum's house for the day before we go to my aunty Christine's usual boxing day party. I'm not really planning much for NYE or NY day, they aren't such a big deal to me. I'm sure Lee might go out New Year's day again and I might go for a couple but I just feel like I end up missing out on time with Theo, which is much better than alcohol. I'm bad enough when he goes to family's houses, even though it's nice to have a break and they all want to spend time with him too.

I'm still struggling a bit with Xmas and Ellie not being here but Theo is the best cure for it and we've been talking about her lots while we watch Xmas dvds. I know she will be happy to see how happy he is. For how worried we were about the reality of having a baby, I think Lee and I are doing a pretty good job and hopefully we will get better next year too. It's definately one of my resolutions!

Happy quarter of a year!

In 3 days, Theo will be 12 weeks old! He is just so funny. He loves it when I sing 'Girl on fire' by Alicia Keys but I sing 'Theo on fire' lol. He loves TV (already!), story time (won't stop smiling), being naked, boobs (feeding machine), the swimming pool, his vibrating chair and snuggles. We took him swimming today and he had a lot of fun.

It's getting exciting now we are nearly at our first Xmas with the little man. I find it overwhelming this time last year, I was dreading Xmas. It was OK but I missed Ellie so much. Now, I miss Ellie just as much but Theo has made the world technicolour again and it is exciting. If you had told me last Xmas, by next year you will have a beautiful 3 month old, I would have laughed and said 'no chance'. Theo has already had his first visit to Santa at Daddy's work this week.

Last night, Theo slept nearly all the way through the night, I was panicking! He is still predominantly breastfed and we both love it, though I've struggled with pain, and we've both had thrush on and off which is painful too. I'll be really sad when he doesn't feed from me anymore. He's already showing signs of being really intelligent. Everyone comments on how content and smiley he is and now, how much he chats away. He is a little talking machine haha. Last clinic, he weighed 10lb 11oz so I think he will be over 11lb this Friday when my health visitor comes out. We've even done baby massage. There's loads of stuff  to do with him but we are going to spend a lot more time at home over winter as this whooping cough epidemic is a real worry. His second vaccinations will be on the 12th Dec.

In other news, I passed my first module of my degree in genetics. I have 3 new modules starting Feb, so will get the materials next month. Exciting but a lot of work! And of course, it will be coming up to Ellie's 2nd birthday :(. I can't wait to tell Theo all about her though.

My friend, Emma, who also lost her daughter last year (we grew up together) has just had her rainbow baby girl, Pearl, on Nov 29th :D so happy for her and they are both doing well. It's like a new chapter for both of us.

Anyway, here are some photos of the dude.