Papering the cracks

2013 is here already, I can't believe it. Another new year and a positive new start with my 2 gorgeous boys.

Theo is 17 weeks this week. I've blinked and here we are. Once upon a time, I thought he would never get here! Now, he just laughs and smiles at everything, he is hilarious. We've started him with a 4xB routine: bath, boob, book, bed haha. It works, he is out for the count (so is his daddy!). He sneaks into bed at about 4am for a feed and stays tucked up with mammy til morning and when Lee gets up, he opens an eye, snuggles back in and sleeps til 10am, lol.

All my new school books came for my 3 modules for my degree. There is some serious workload. The courses don't begin til Feb 2nd so at least I'm making headway. I'm even exercising and practising piano when I can, with a date night crammed in tomorrow for good measure. It's all a case of so little time, so much to do, which normally helps but I do so well and then my anxiety kicks in. My vision is off again, eye strain from a lot of computer based study, which also causes the headaches. Then I get frightened.

I knew at the time what happened with Ellie was awful. Now, she is almost 2 and I look back and think, it was horrific and traumatic. I remember being physically unable to sleep until I was given sleeping tablets. I remember sitting in a funeral car thinking 'how did I get here?'. And now, I have a beautiful little boy who is my everything and a husband who keeps telling me I can do things and I will be great and not fail and I keep thinking 'when will I not be broken anymore? when will this anxiety go away?' I know I will never be the same person and I don't grieve in the same way as I did, mostly because I won't let myself think too much about that time in hospital, only about Ellie and that she was here. Maybe I need to think about that to get over it. I am happy and I keep getting knocked down by fear and people who say there's no point in worrying don't understand because they haven't got anxiety. It is terrible. I would rather have the flu followed by the norovirus because they go away.

I live my life thinking of how exciting our future is and then freaking out that somehow, the universe is going to knock us down again in some equally horrific way. I'm tired, I just want to be normal. I appreciate in a short space of time, it has gone from being me and Lee to being 3 to being 2 again, then pregnancy then 3 again. I was happy being the 2 of us, even after a while after Ellie, I learned to enjoy just us. Now we have it all bar her and it's like that one missing link to my ability to just not worry about things.

Maybe one day I'll be fixed. At least for now, Theo is here and he is my heart's bandage.

It's nearly here!

Woohoo for Xmas! I still don't feel festive but it will be great anyway, not that Theo will know any different! He just like the lights.

My jubjub has been with my mum today so apart from tidying, I have started my new module, 'Infectious Disease and Public Health'.  It's really intense but mega interesting. It doesn't officially begin until Feb 2nd so hopefully by the time it starts, I will be ahead of the game a fair bit. I'm also working towards a piano exam plus add a 3 month old into the mix so it's important to be organised.

Tomorrow, Theo and I are off to see his Aunty Jess and her kids, who he hasn't yet met and then Monday is Xmas eve! Can't wait for Lee to have a couple of days off next week and just enjoy the week. Even those with their little snidey comments about our parenting and acting as if I have nothing to do with how well our son is turning out can't get me down ('cause I know its a load of shit) because I'm on a high with my two gorgeous men by my side :)!

And the bells were ringing out for Christmas day

Yay, Theo's first Xmas is next week. He has been given presents from loads of people already, they are waiting under the tree! :) I've been singing him lots of Xmas songs which he loves. His little character gets better every day and it's a joy to watch. He loves playing games with his dad and chatting away to him but he's likes my singing better (haha) and when he wants snuggles he looks for his mummy a bit more, especially at night. He loves gallivanting to family's houses too, the little flirt and I can see him really starting to take to his godparents to be, Mel and Marion (don't worry Bev, he will be getting to know you soon and I tell him all about you). The fact that he is already trying to sit up as well is impressive. It will take him a while yet but he's giving it a good go!

Theo is at his Grandad Andy and Grandma Sam's today so I'm just wrapping, tidying, playing piano and chilling out. It is a really horrible day. I'm not feeling so festive this year but I think that will change as he gets bigger and we do more Xmassy things. I know Xmas will be great, we are going to my mum's for dinner and we will be stopping in at my Dad's house as he is home this year. Lee is at work boxing day which isn't great but he gets paid a lot for it so Theo and I will just be going back to my mum's house for the day before we go to my aunty Christine's usual boxing day party. I'm not really planning much for NYE or NY day, they aren't such a big deal to me. I'm sure Lee might go out New Year's day again and I might go for a couple but I just feel like I end up missing out on time with Theo, which is much better than alcohol. I'm bad enough when he goes to family's houses, even though it's nice to have a break and they all want to spend time with him too.

I'm still struggling a bit with Xmas and Ellie not being here but Theo is the best cure for it and we've been talking about her lots while we watch Xmas dvds. I know she will be happy to see how happy he is. For how worried we were about the reality of having a baby, I think Lee and I are doing a pretty good job and hopefully we will get better next year too. It's definately one of my resolutions!

Happy quarter of a year!

In 3 days, Theo will be 12 weeks old! He is just so funny. He loves it when I sing 'Girl on fire' by Alicia Keys but I sing 'Theo on fire' lol. He loves TV (already!), story time (won't stop smiling), being naked, boobs (feeding machine), the swimming pool, his vibrating chair and snuggles. We took him swimming today and he had a lot of fun.

It's getting exciting now we are nearly at our first Xmas with the little man. I find it overwhelming this time last year, I was dreading Xmas. It was OK but I missed Ellie so much. Now, I miss Ellie just as much but Theo has made the world technicolour again and it is exciting. If you had told me last Xmas, by next year you will have a beautiful 3 month old, I would have laughed and said 'no chance'. Theo has already had his first visit to Santa at Daddy's work this week.

Last night, Theo slept nearly all the way through the night, I was panicking! He is still predominantly breastfed and we both love it, though I've struggled with pain, and we've both had thrush on and off which is painful too. I'll be really sad when he doesn't feed from me anymore. He's already showing signs of being really intelligent. Everyone comments on how content and smiley he is and now, how much he chats away. He is a little talking machine haha. Last clinic, he weighed 10lb 11oz so I think he will be over 11lb this Friday when my health visitor comes out. We've even done baby massage. There's loads of stuff  to do with him but we are going to spend a lot more time at home over winter as this whooping cough epidemic is a real worry. His second vaccinations will be on the 12th Dec.

In other news, I passed my first module of my degree in genetics. I have 3 new modules starting Feb, so will get the materials next month. Exciting but a lot of work! And of course, it will be coming up to Ellie's 2nd birthday :(. I can't wait to tell Theo all about her though.

My friend, Emma, who also lost her daughter last year (we grew up together) has just had her rainbow baby girl, Pearl, on Nov 29th :D so happy for her and they are both doing well. It's like a new chapter for both of us.

Anyway, here are some photos of the dude.

Stop growing!

My little dude is growing far too fast *sob*! He is almost 2 months and massive compared to birth but still small with regards to other babies. He is a little smiling machine now and his character is definitely emerging. When that lad can walk, I think I'll be in trouble!

There was a little accident this week. Lee was making a bottle with Theo under one arm and Theo kicked the boiling water over his arm. We've all done the same thing but Lee just got unlucky. He was devastated but these things happen. It happened to me when I was a toddler with tea. The damage was superficial and Theo will be better soon. It hasn't bothered him at all and I keep telling Lee it wasn't his fault at all. If he hadn't got Theo under cold water so quickly, the damage would have been a lot worse.

I've been struggling a little bit with anxiety, mostly over things happening to Theo. The past two weeks have been hard but I'm just trying not to think about it too much. I have horrible thoughts about driving my car off the road and me dying, which I don't care about as long as someone finds my baby. The thought of him crying and nobody coming is horrendous. When he crys in the house, I have to be straight there because I think of him wondering why his parents don't love him enough to come to him. Ellie dying was the worst thing ever but I prepared for it. I knew it was going to happen and how ill she was so I couldn't do anything else but if anything happened to Theo, my life would be over. So, I'm going to try and manage until the 3 month mark and then hopefully, exercise will make me feel better. I feel happy all the time too so I know I'm not depressed, just anxious.

Otherwise, mini guy is gorgeous and doing well. I'm sick of people telling Lee and I what we should and shouldn't do and how to parent though. Our baby is a content happy little guy so we are obviously doing something right. We discuss parenting with each other all the time and I'm sick of people being patronising when we do or don't do things that they suggest. I'm sure if we needed advice we would ask. People seem to think they have the right to dictate you parent their way but I'm just going to ignore it. He's happy, gaining weight, and showing signs of intelligence, is always smart and gets loads of love so I'm thinking Lee and I are pretty good parents without people telling us what to do.

The bear is at my mum's today. 4 hours til he is back woo! :D

Ouchie

I am so sore. Took Theo out in his pram for the first time this week and must have walked far too much. Getting in and out of bed feels like I have just had the section and my back is really sore. So, the little bear has gone to his grandma and grandads today so I can rest up. I missed him the second he left which is funny because the other day when my mum had him all day, I was worried that although I love him more than anything, I coped fine with him being away and didn't miss him too much. Maybe because I had time to prepare and knew he was going to be out I suppose.

Clinic is tomorrow but Theo is getting heavy. He now fits in first size clothes and 0-3 vests and baby gros. I find outfits that are 0-3 are far too big right now but a woman at breastfeeding group said the same about the sizes, her baby needs the next size up baby gro and vest to the clothes he is wearing. I'm now combi-feeding as I am run down as it is but no day is the same. Sunday, Theo had no formula whatsoever, but today he will be having more as I didn't have a frozen breast milk supply. I am making a supply today while he is out.

I guess today, at least I can get my assignment typed up without getting disturbed and sent away then just lie around, have a nap, eat decent food but I do feel at a loss!

Fighting with time

Aw my little bear is a month old already :) :( Time is going way too fast! He is nearly smiling properly now, they are getting more and more in response to kisses or toys so much more social. He loves his baths and snuggles and he is one trendy little dude.

After being weighed at 6lb 6oz, a week later he was 6lb 14oz and this week he was 7lb 8oz! Despite his weight, he is still a diddy little thing. We are tired but loving it. Theo is a good sleeper and only really gripes when he has wind. Tonight he is on his first adventure at my mum's by himself. He will be back soon. Lee and I have both felt like we were missing our right arm but its been nice to chill for a bit.

Ellie is looking after this bambino well and I love her millions for taking such good care of him! I am nearly healed enough to drive and things so good all around!