The waiting game

Eventually, it is nearly April! I can feel my positivity slipping away and the stress beginning to build up. Luckily I have lots of assignments and music practice to do to try and while away the days and kids exam results to wait for as well as my usual lovely mornings and days out with Theo.

Theo is my little sunshine and without him this would be so much worse. Although the people who say 'at least you have Theo' should really think before they open their mouths. As if Lee and I don't know and that little boy is our whole world. However, this is still our baby too and that's like me saying to a woman with a normal pregnancy, 'well don't worry if anything goes wrong and you lose that baby, you already have one/two'. It makes no difference, a loss is still a loss and still as painful. There will still be grief and pain. People don't seem to have the sense to realise that.

The worst thing is, I feel that this baby is fine, as I did with Theo, but I won't let myself truly believe it in case I am wrong. I am hoping to have the test as soon as possible so hopefully will hear from my consultant today that I can have it at 10 weeks.

Fingers crossed, as ever

The return of ARPKD

Its been ages since I was here. I really should update more.

It was going to be a big secret but I am expecting again. I actually don't care about the secret although it makes no difference anyway. My first pregnancy was horrific, the second when I found out I cried because I was bricking it but it obviously came really good.

And this one? I felt excited. REALLY excited. I didn't feel even a little bit scared.Maybe that is intuition and maybe not. What matters is Lee and I can cope. My friends have been really great and my sister and even our grandparents. Of course it has taken 2 days for other family members to beat the excitement out of me. I have one who completely ignores it, one who changes the subject as soon as possible, one who put a downer on the whole thing (and they all did the same last pregnancy too).

After everything we have been through, we deserve the right to TRY and have a normal pregnancy in the beginning and be excited like everyone else. 75% is a big chunk. People are always harking on at me with my health anxiety to stop worrying and be positive and yet here I am and they can't put their money where their mouth is to try and help us through it. Last time, I got told not to focus on the fact that a termination was a possibility and focus on the good so I do it and still can't win. I appreciate they may be scared but I wasn't scared and now they've got me that way and torn down my happiness. And instead of being ostriches, maybe asking Lee and I how we are feeling might be helpful, you know, 'cause it's four times as bloody scary for us. Its hard to get attached to a ball of cells really, because that is all it is but it still has the right to be acknowledged. It's still OUR baby

So, I am choosing to believe this baby is fine. And worst case, we will dust ourselves off, move on and try again because it can't be any worse than it has been. Would just be nice for people to let our baby exist and try and be supportive of us, our baby and positivity instead of making us feel like we are making their lives hard.

One more step to the top of the city

It's been a long time since I posted here. So much has happened. I was determined to make this year an awesome one, even better than the one before. I'm actually, with my health anxiety, a bit concerned I may have a terminal illness because the year has been SO great.

Feb 7th was the 3rd anniversary of Ellie's passing and that day, I decided I wanted to do a big charity 'IT'S A KNOCKOUT'. My days, I did not expect it to take off the way it did, it was huge and we raised a fortune. The day was amazing, so much fun and people want it again next year. It was for Tiny Lives at the RVI and 4Louis and we raised about £3500 for each charity, it far surpassed what I was expecting. June was a busy month all round….there was that, I got to see Dolly Parton (who was bloody excellent, well worth it), I did a zombie run in Newcastle (my heart nearly packed up) and we went to Alton Towers. Cbeebies land had just opened up so we took Theo. I didn't think he would like it that much given at the time he was into Disney channel but as it panned out, he loved it and now he is all about the cbeebies channel haha. We are going to go back next year hopefully.

In March a huge thing happened. Kate Bush (who I never thought I would see in my life) announced a 15 date residency in London. This was then increased to 22 dates but due to the size of the venue, it was still going to be like catching gold dust trying to get a ticket. For a week, I moped with the not knowing. She is my music idol, one of my biggest heroes, just THE ULTIMATE! Well, the day came round and during the 15 minutes it took to sell out, I GOT A TICKET! After seeing Dolly, I was like, Can Kate Bush live up to this? My ticket was for September 24th, down in London. As the concerts started, the reviews were amazing and I just got more and more nervous. Then the day came, it was such an adventure. Lee said I achieved a lot because, with my anxiety, I went by myself to London and just loved it. I nearly had a couple of panic attacks before the concert (it still manifests as health anxiety, so if I am nervous about something not health related, I get convinced I have a DVT or something, its bizarre). I got to the Hammersmith apollo, bought a load of merchandise and went it. I had an hours wait once I sat but I was really close to the stage. When Kate Bush hit that stage, I realised I probably should not have put eyeliner or mascara on, since I bawled and I couldn't accept I was hearing her live. It was so amazing, so unreal. At one point they brought her out into the audience and I nearly blacked out. It literally was one of the best nights of my life. I can't wait for the DVD.

Work is going really well, I have a few students and they are doing great. I really love teaching though it is so frustrating sometimes. After a failed stage school type venture, I have also started running a community choir and I just look forward to it so much every week. I have a bunch of kids in for exams, I am doing my pop and musical theatre exams, I've started writing my own stuff, my instruments are going really well. I'm just so inspired! I also joined an operatic society and am in my first big musical next week (which is Scrooge). It's exhausting but has been fun. I ran my first concert in July and am doing the next one just before Xmas. It's gonna be great, the last one was really successful so I think this one will go even better as my students are getting better and I am. I have a lot more confidence on the stage. I don't know why, it just kind of happened. I am receiving an award in Dec for being the highest mark for Grade 5 pop in the North East and so it will be competition season!

Lee and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary last month. We went glamping which was really fun. I didn't think I would like it so much but it was awesome!

My degree is ongoing. That is hard work, fitting it round everything but I figure, a bit of slog is worth it. I have taken on a bit much this season but hey, better than having no goals! I also just got my ticket for Neil Diamond today, I have wanted to see him for years but have always missed him but next year is the year! That will be in London so another adventure. My friend is going to come this time so it will be awesome.

I've saved the best for last, the best being my perfect peach. There is so much I could say but I could never do justice by words. He is the sun, the moon and stars and then some. At just over 2, he can count to 15 almost, knows all his animals, colours, opposites, vehicles, shapes, loves to dance, is a sweet little singer, knows who Dolly Parton is(!), is very strong willed and funny, knows his own mind, is affectionate and loving, loves his teddies, loves Timmy Time/In the night garden/Mr Tumble and the Gruffalo and a million other things. He is so funny it hurts sometimes, the stuff he does. I love it when he hides to do a poo, or makes me put CDs on my finger so he can spin them. He is still obsessed with spinning socks, or anything else that spins i.e. washing machine, windmills, wheels etc. so when I found a solar power windmill in London, I had to buy it for him. His little face was amazing! His birthday was great last month when he came in the room and said 'Presents!', gently removed the birthday cards out the way to get to the presents. He had a little tea party and loved it. A week and a half before his birthday he got chickenpox and wasn't a bit of bother. He loves Christmas candles and his new phrase is 'Theo coming!' whenever we go anywhere. His favourite places are Space to Play soft play and Plessey Woods (where we go gruffalo hunting). He has just stopped calling sandwiches 'faringes' (which I loved) and now calls them 'sanwhinges'. He loves his family and has a wicked temper. After CBT and coming off my anxiety tablets, he keeps me a little bit sane and a little bit mad and makes me laugh and smile so much. I could say a million more things but I'm tired.

I wrote this blog because tonight has been the Wave of Light, in memory of all the angel babies. I often feel guilty because I don't grieve that much anymore, mostly because I am so busy. I never forget about Ellie although sometimes, it was so quick it feels like it never happened. I know this is what Ellie would want, all these exciting memories and things to look forward to and looking back on this year, I have done and experienced so much to make me happy that when I think on it, it reminds me how, even in awful times of disease and war and our own personal problems, life can be amazing and everything you want it to be and I am so lucky. I get scared a lot, mostly of anything happening to Theo but we keep him safe and he has the best guardian angel (he loves cuddling Ellie's blanket). ARPKD is a part of who Ellie was and who we are even though we don't suffer the disease but it has also made me who I am now and right now, I'm really happy with that person and this life.

3

Happy 3rd birthday to my fairy princess.

                               The Song of The Forget-me-not Fairy

Where do fairy babies lie
Till they're old enough to fly?
Here's a likely place, I think
'Mid these flowers, blue and pink,
(pink for girls and blue for boys:
Pretty things for babies' toys!
Let us peep now, gently. Why,
Fairy babies, here you lie!

Kicking there, with no one by.
Baby dear, how good you lie!
All alone, but O, you're not -
you could never be - forgot!
O how glad I am I've found you,
With Forget-me-nots around you,
Blue, the colour of the sky!
Fairy baby, Hushaby!
Cicely Mary Barker

Renaissance

Wow. 2014 already?! Really? Well, in just under 2 hours at least.  This year has brought about the growth of my baby into a big boy, the buying of our own house and happiness. It has also brought more loss and sadness too. However, a new blank slate is starting again as we carry our memories forward.

For myself, it is time to get my head in the game. I have quite a few goals, but my big ones are to do well in study, to lose a lot of weight, to get off the antidepressants and combat anxiety, and to be happy and a good wife and mother.  I need a reinvention. Time to dress to impress, to start looking good and feeling it too. Granted, I'm planning on having another baby at some point, not necessarily this year (maybe want to wait a bit) but it's going to be better to be healthy and fit before conception anyway.

My big desire is to shape my work life to be with Theo more, to go swimming, bake cakes, grow plants and all the things toddlers love to do. He is starting to want more attention and to do more things, and I want to do them with him.

Also, Theo loved Xmas this year. He was thoroughly spoilt! It was lovely seeing his happiness at all his new toys. Love my lamb chop and thinking of my other special angel at new year.

Come at us 2014!

Toddler-ville

I really cannot believe it's almost Xmas again! I am SOOOOOO excited haha, like a big kid. Theo won't really understand much but he likes toys so it is going to be really fun.

Theo is the universe to me more and more everyday. He is so funny and smart, I'm so proud he is mine. That is not to say he isn't a monkey though! He has a proper little defiant look when he is is reprimanded! He is getting more affectionate, not only with family and friends, but his cuddly toys too and he even kisses the characters in his stories. His walking is really good and running too, and he can climb up on the chairs (and jump on them too, little bugger!). He says a handful of words, like dog, car, mammy, daddy, grandad, hiya and responds to instructions like clap, or if I tell him to get his book for story time. He loves Mickey mouse and dancing, and still loves to play piano. Yesterday, I think he cottoned on to his reflection for the first time and got really excited about that. He is a ball of 14 month old perfection. You just have to have eyes in the back of your head for when he is dashing up the stairs or grabbing something he shouldn't. I love walking with him as he holds his little hand out to me, and his hand is so small and lovely in mine. He is my peach.

The other man in my life is 38 today and I love him more than ever too. I have spoiled him for Xmas and am so excited to give him (and everyone else) their presents!! I love xmas apart from the obvious exception. I often don't think about Ellie in terms of what actually happened. It's almost as if she is a fictional character in my head sometimes, everything happened so quickly but it has started to creep into my head a lot lately and make me sad but also face things. Maybe a lot of my grief has been repressed and is starting to crack through. My last thing to do is to get her notes from the RVI. I want to read them so it becomes a bit more real. I think it will give me closure. Part of me still can't believe the fact I had a baby and watched her die. I think it has been repressed a lot but I need to just think about it and cry when I need to. I miss her so much. Theo hasn't replaced her, he is a different child so I still need to allow myself the grief to honour my little girl.

Other than being sad for reasons I should be sad, I have been feeling really happy lately and less anxious by far. I am also madly in love with music again, on piano, flute, cello, singing, whatever. I am doing a little bit of teaching which I love, I have a new baby grand piano and lots of possibilities for the future. The anxiety is never gone 100% but it is much more manageable. My job is going OK too but I miss being with Theo a lot more and sales is sometimes a bit intense.

My degree is going well. Music tech is really interesting and a big challenge as it is all new to me. Due an assignment back soon, actually, hope I've done well.

And now, I need to sleep!

I've got a big boy :O

Theo s 1 on Friday 13th Sept! 1!!!! He is all grown up and just so clever and funny. People keep coming into work with tiny babies and making me broody but I love just having one little peach for the minute. He is having a tea party on the sunday with some friends and I have all his presents sorted, they just need wrapping. I know he won't understand much but it will be a lovely day anyway.

It is also the day we sign our mortgage. YAY! It's amazing to know our home is officially ours and we are homeowners. I can't wait to get the place sorted properly, it's taking some time between work but it will get there.

I am loving my job too. I've just been offered the chance to be the main person dealing with Roland (digital pianos/drums/etc) and it's so exciting. It will involve lots of training and trying to sell but it's  new challenge. In between this, I am working towards grade 6 piano, grade 6 flute, grade 8 voice (resit to get a better mark and I'm out of practice) and soon grade 1 cello. I'm also starting to teach my niece piano and singing and have a couple of piano students which is great. Eventually, I'd love to teach and do community/music in schools as my main thing, alongside playing in am dram societys and amateur orchestras. I'm going to take students to festivals as well I think and start doing them again myself. Hopefully, all this music will rub off on Theo!

My CBT is going well and I'm starting to feel a lot better and really motivated. I truly believe Ellie is with me every step of the way. I was playing piano at work and next to me was a little white feather. She must have been listening :).

My open uni module exam happens in Oct and my 2 new modules are starting, German and music tech! I think I'll do really well, as I love both and am fired up.

Been a little bit more teary lately when I mention Ellie and feeling it a little bit more. It might have something to do with Theo's birthday approaching I guess. It is much easier with him here than before but I know the hole will never truly close. I think Ellie is the one sending all the good luck and giving me ambition again to be a good parent to Theo though. Well, that and super snogs from Theo!