End of the line

And hopefully not the bad end of the line!!!

I had to wait an extra week for my CVS with Dr Sturgiss. He just couldn't get that first week, far too risky and I trust him with mine and my baby's life so I was OK. Lee, not so much, but that week passed quickly.

The following week, foetal med were running 2.5 hours late, just enough time to have me up a height. There are only 4 doctors covering 5 days now Dr MacPhail has left (still incredibly missed on my part but Dr S. is amazing too). Eventually they caught up and I went in and got the green light. We got the anaesthetic in and then the green light turned red. Devastation to say the least. I went for a wee and came back, and he did think about things for a while but then we got the green again (the position can change so quickly). By this time, I was in a lot of pain, not from anything related but from my clenching the muscles around my ribcage with stress. More anaesthetic and then the actual huge needle. After all the worry of the abdominal CVS, it was a breeze. I do not even know why I requested the cervical one last time!! Afterwards though, I got quite a lot of pain in the right side of my pelvis and promptly was sick in a bin. The sick was just water and paracetamol and definitely from my own hyping myself up, not the test! I did feel sore for a couple of days, and turning over in bed was HARD.

The next morning, early hours was horrendous. Went to the toilet. Blood. It was awful because you just want a chance to get the results. I went to the new hospital A and E in Cramlington. 4.30am and I still had to wait a while but once I got triaged they were very quick and amazing. They did a scan, baby was fine. As it panned out, just a bit of placental irritation and the bleeding was almost done. It did continue as spotting for a couple of days but that was one relief.

I was expecting the call late monday afternoon or potentially Tuesday if they couldn't get the result from the Centre for Life. My usual genetic counsellor, Gill, is on annual leave and Susan that was going to call is the one who gave me the bad news. On Monday morning at approx. 11am my phone went with the genetics number. I figured it would be another day's wait so I answered and Susan told me 'We have your results'. I felt shaky. 'It's bad news, isn't it?'.

'It's NOT! Baby is a healthy carrier'. My whole world just tilted on its axis. Until you receive a call like that, you can't know how everything in your head explodes in the best possible way and you just cry. Another little BOY! This 5 year journey of hell and amazing-ness (in Theo) has led to this. We are some of the lucky ones. I guess the really lucky ones are those who never find out they are carriers but never think you are the worst off……there are PKD families and CF, etc who have 2 or 3 or even 6 in a row affected. There are families carrying dominant traits, a 50/50 chance. There are families who don't have the strength or the teams that we do and give up.

This will be my last pregnancy and I know a lot of people say, with their second or 3rd, especially of the same gender, they are less excited. That doesn't apply here. I am SO excited. Now named Ewan Evan Seren (after Serenity) Forrest, he will be as loved and treasured at Ellie and Theo and we are just so grateful to be at this point. I never felt that broody but was conscious that I wanted a sibling for Theo and I think I can hand on heart say 2 is right for us. We are lucky to even get this chance without a string of horrible results.

I am still petrified. I am 14 weeks and have to get through the 20 week scan, always a nightmare. I do believe it will come good but being on the inside of so many losses of friends is difficult and you know there is never a safe point in pregnancy. A 3rd C-section terrifies me. However, the RVI and Dr Sturgiss are phenomenal and will help me through. Even their MAU sound amazingly caring on the phone (as they were with Ellie).

I will try my best to enjoy all the lasts and fight against my anxiety. I will never be a victim because I choose to try and look at all the good. My lot in life is evidently to be surrounded by good looking men!

More goodbyes

I come here less and less it seems but once again, I am back on this roller coaster.

I am nearly 10 weeks pregnant. I am so glad it happened quickly if only for the reason I got to say goodbye to the doctor who made me brave enough to do this however many times it takes, took away the fear of my termination last time, and made me realise we aren't just numbers to these doctors. Sometimes, they do care. I don't ever make a secret of what I think of the NHS maternity care round here….being a very complex case, our care has been superb but these guys at the RVI in Newcastle, they are a special breed. You don't get better. So when I turned up on Monday for my pre-CVS dating scan and they told me the ever worshipped Dr S. Macphail (I use names in case, on the off chance they ever google themselves, they will know how much of a difference they made to me) was retiring, I promptly burst into tears on the spot. Of course, this is me, who when I fell pregnant with Theo, was indignant at being given this unknown doctor instead of Prof. Robson, but nevertheless, she was the strength and bravery giver of my last pregnancy. Anyway, this means I am pitching up on the 2nd Sept to have a CVS (through my stomach no less, cue the nightmares) with the head of all of women's services in the RVI/Newcastle trust. So, the best then. The only thing is, the last time I saw the guy, he was telling me my daughter had ARPKD and all the other blindsiders that came with it.

I had coped fine until Monday. Now I'm in shock a bit because in 3 weeks time, I could be losing my 3rd baby (well, 4th but 3rd potential loss). And that might be the 3rd loss of a potential however many. I haven't really allowed myself to believe we will hit the 75% because what is the point? It must be so nice to be able to accept people's congratulations instead of saying 'well actually I might not be having a baby' or to not have people expecting you to hush hush your pregnancies as if it is shameful up to a point where told otherwise. I really wonder what that is like, genuinely (not said with any sarcasm but true questioning).

So for now, we carry on because we are made of metal. And each time it happens, people will continue to care a little less, just think 'why do they bother' or make me feel a little bit more ashamed that I would do it again. But I don't need any of those people because I have team RVI Foetal med on my side and when they come back wanting the joyful bit, I will see through them.

This disease will not break me.

Lost and empty

My little baby is gone and this time, nature didn't take it's course but I did it. I stopped her living and then had to give birth to her. How sad is that?

The procedure wasn't so bad. I could have managed my pain relief better but I know for next time if it happens again and I hope more than anything it doesn't.

I tell people I am managing and I am but inside, I just feel so desolate and lonely. It isn't the same as with Ellie, but much much lonelier. People identify when you have a baby so far on but with this, people don't want to know, think its not a real baby (pretty much formed at 13 weeks so it is) or think you shouldn't care because its so early and that is the most hurtful thing of all. And then today, I passed a sizeable chunk of placenta and was by myself and frightened (there is still some left but its on its way out) and I know, as people say, it can be normal but when I feel so shit anyway, its not helpful. I have more children dead than alive right now and that is so awful. If it wasn't for Theo, I am not sure I would get up in the mornings.

My friends have been a godsend and I have learned more this pregnancy who I can lean on, which is one silver lining. That and that I am controlling my health anxiety really well, considering Friday's procedure and even today, at the prospect of surgery, I did cry but did not freak out. 

I guess one step at a time 

Bye bye baby Forrest

Third time unlucky. It has been a bit of a shock to say the least. However, it hasn't been as nightmarish as I imagined. It is horrible to be losing a wanted baby, but I am not so far that I 'loved' this baby or had any real attachment. I don't believe people love their baby at this stage. They love the idea of having a baby but until you feel that baby kick and things move into that realm, you don't really know they are there, except for symptoms. Some women go for a scan only to find their baby has died without them knowing at this early stage. It is, therefore, easier for me to shut down. As much as that baby is still inside of me, in my mind it has died and baby Forrest, while always in my thoughts and still an important loss to me, is a baby that was never meant to be.

In two days, I will return to the RVI to take the tablet that shuts down the hormones to fuel the pregnancy. This bit holds no fear for me. I am not scared to do the right thing for this baby, sparing them a life of suffering and pain like Ellie. She will look after them in fairyland and have a sibling to play with. What I am scared of is getting it out. I always said that was the scariest bit for me and it holds true. I don't want a surgical termination as it can cause complications and I am terrified of general anaesthetic. That said, the medical termination isn't particularly appealing. To endure a mini labour when I have no pain threshold is a massive source of anxiety. The joy is, I am pretty sure I can get morphine and gas and air so I imagine after my first c section, I will survive (for which I did not have morphine but only gas and air). I am also worried about the particular moment when it all leaves me, but a few friends, while honest have been reassuring and they have survived and moved on. It seems to be like a heavy period by all accounts.

Lee and I have decided after recovery (physical) to aim for an almost immediate pregnancy again. I could take 3 weeks or 3 months, who knows but really, we will be ok once I get past the horrible procedure. Yes, it could happen again next time and even the time after that but we just have to believe that 75% has to win out at some point in the next 3 attempts. Perhaps if it is bad next time we will have a slightly longer break, I don't know but for now, we will just surge on. I have also decided to stay at the RVI for any future birth. Foetal medicine is a horrible place to be, nobody wants to be there with their complicated pregnancies but even so, I feel safe there, and well cared for and the hospital is amazing. When I think of having this termination at our local hospital, where I booked in, I feel sick and it's not the hospital because my care with Theo there was amazing. When I have been through A and E they are great too but it doesn't feel like 'home' the way my antenatal care does in Newcastle. There is even going to be a brand new hospital on the doorstep and it doesn't tempt me at all.

Theo has been the saviour in all this. Waiting for my cvs and results was much harder this time because  I know how amazing he is but the horrible bit after, he has made it so much easier because he is so perfect.

So, here's hoping Friday goes smoothly and the next baby is in that 75%. Bye bye baby Forrest, you were wanted and there will be no suffering for you and no regret for us.

Results are almost here

My CVS happened on Monday. It is one of the most soul destroying things I have ever had to do (both times). I am not concerned about the Doctor putting the needle in, she is so experienced and the miscarriage rates have changed regarding this procedure so that doesn't concern me but knowing that you are there to potentially take that child's life away depending on the results? That is haunting. Even worse is knowing it isn't a 'likely to be one-off' such as down's syndrome but a built in part of your reproductive life, if you don't want to suffer horrendously 30 weeks down the line anyway.

The test was painful this time. I am not sorry that the Dr had to go in cervically because I just dread the thought of it through my stomach but I honestly felt like that huge needle was stabbing into my spine and rectum. Not pleasant at all, it was so sharp. However, it was easy for them to do and it was done in 2 minutes. I did feel like someone had jumped on my uterus for the rest of the day.

We are lucky in the wait, in that for us, it takes 4-5 days. The rest of the U.K and world is mostly 7-21 days depending. Our genetics labs etc are 'in-house' about a mile from the hospital. That said, the wait has still been sickening, the hours are dragging and I can feel myself weakening. I have very little left to give. Our earliest results (and our team are pretty good so good chance of this) will be tomorrow night between 4-5pm. How do I answer that phone call? I am already having palpitations just thinking about it, I feel sick.

In my deeper being, I feel this baby is healthy but I also doubt myself. Did I really know Ellie was ill from the beginning, that that pregnancy wasn't going to end well or did I just have anxiety? Did I really know Theo was healthy or did I have to make myself believe that to get through the day? I don't know anymore. I never really 'saw' Ellie in my future like I did with Theo but I see this child there and I don't know if its desperation or intuition.

So let's hope its 26 hours and not 50 as it could be, to put us out of our misery. I have 2 potential appointments next week, one is my 12 week scan, or  I could be scheduled in for a termination.

Please Ellie, let us keep this one and I will ask for no more children. My little boy just needs a sibling on Earth :(

Who said time flies?!

I went for my CVS on Monday but it couldn't be done, the placenta was too thin. I have to return on Monday coming and the wait is becoming more and more suffocating.

I quite frankly do not know what I am more scared of. I know the CVS is going to be trans-abdominal now rather than cervical like last time so I have a giant f*** off needle going to go through my belly and uterus. That is pretty bad. Then I have to wait the 4 days to be told wether this child is going to live or die, depending on disease status. And if the worst happens? I have to pick how best to get this baby out and grieve and be expected to live my life as normal having lost 2 babies. And then potentially 3, or 4 or 5 depending on how the Russian Roulette falls.

Every day I get up and I do it for my son and the 75% chance that this baby is ok. Anyone reading this is like 75%? That's loads. It seems that way until you have been in the 25% let me tell you and in my networks, when people have had 3 in a row with ARPKD, it suddenly doesn't seem as great a chance. It just seems like shit genetics from our side.

And so I wait, and pray the guardian angels are on my side

The waiting game

Eventually, it is nearly April! I can feel my positivity slipping away and the stress beginning to build up. Luckily I have lots of assignments and music practice to do to try and while away the days and kids exam results to wait for as well as my usual lovely mornings and days out with Theo.

Theo is my little sunshine and without him this would be so much worse. Although the people who say 'at least you have Theo' should really think before they open their mouths. As if Lee and I don't know and that little boy is our whole world. However, this is still our baby too and that's like me saying to a woman with a normal pregnancy, 'well don't worry if anything goes wrong and you lose that baby, you already have one/two'. It makes no difference, a loss is still a loss and still as painful. There will still be grief and pain. People don't seem to have the sense to realise that.

The worst thing is, I feel that this baby is fine, as I did with Theo, but I won't let myself truly believe it in case I am wrong. I am hoping to have the test as soon as possible so hopefully will hear from my consultant today that I can have it at 10 weeks.

Fingers crossed, as ever

The return of ARPKD

Its been ages since I was here. I really should update more.

It was going to be a big secret but I am expecting again. I actually don't care about the secret although it makes no difference anyway. My first pregnancy was horrific, the second when I found out I cried because I was bricking it but it obviously came really good.

And this one? I felt excited. REALLY excited. I didn't feel even a little bit scared.Maybe that is intuition and maybe not. What matters is Lee and I can cope. My friends have been really great and my sister and even our grandparents. Of course it has taken 2 days for other family members to beat the excitement out of me. I have one who completely ignores it, one who changes the subject as soon as possible, one who put a downer on the whole thing (and they all did the same last pregnancy too).

After everything we have been through, we deserve the right to TRY and have a normal pregnancy in the beginning and be excited like everyone else. 75% is a big chunk. People are always harking on at me with my health anxiety to stop worrying and be positive and yet here I am and they can't put their money where their mouth is to try and help us through it. Last time, I got told not to focus on the fact that a termination was a possibility and focus on the good so I do it and still can't win. I appreciate they may be scared but I wasn't scared and now they've got me that way and torn down my happiness. And instead of being ostriches, maybe asking Lee and I how we are feeling might be helpful, you know, 'cause it's four times as bloody scary for us. Its hard to get attached to a ball of cells really, because that is all it is but it still has the right to be acknowledged. It's still OUR baby

So, I am choosing to believe this baby is fine. And worst case, we will dust ourselves off, move on and try again because it can't be any worse than it has been. Would just be nice for people to let our baby exist and try and be supportive of us, our baby and positivity instead of making us feel like we are making their lives hard.

One more step to the top of the city

It's been a long time since I posted here. So much has happened. I was determined to make this year an awesome one, even better than the one before. I'm actually, with my health anxiety, a bit concerned I may have a terminal illness because the year has been SO great.

Feb 7th was the 3rd anniversary of Ellie's passing and that day, I decided I wanted to do a big charity 'IT'S A KNOCKOUT'. My days, I did not expect it to take off the way it did, it was huge and we raised a fortune. The day was amazing, so much fun and people want it again next year. It was for Tiny Lives at the RVI and 4Louis and we raised about £3500 for each charity, it far surpassed what I was expecting. June was a busy month all round….there was that, I got to see Dolly Parton (who was bloody excellent, well worth it), I did a zombie run in Newcastle (my heart nearly packed up) and we went to Alton Towers. Cbeebies land had just opened up so we took Theo. I didn't think he would like it that much given at the time he was into Disney channel but as it panned out, he loved it and now he is all about the cbeebies channel haha. We are going to go back next year hopefully.

In March a huge thing happened. Kate Bush (who I never thought I would see in my life) announced a 15 date residency in London. This was then increased to 22 dates but due to the size of the venue, it was still going to be like catching gold dust trying to get a ticket. For a week, I moped with the not knowing. She is my music idol, one of my biggest heroes, just THE ULTIMATE! Well, the day came round and during the 15 minutes it took to sell out, I GOT A TICKET! After seeing Dolly, I was like, Can Kate Bush live up to this? My ticket was for September 24th, down in London. As the concerts started, the reviews were amazing and I just got more and more nervous. Then the day came, it was such an adventure. Lee said I achieved a lot because, with my anxiety, I went by myself to London and just loved it. I nearly had a couple of panic attacks before the concert (it still manifests as health anxiety, so if I am nervous about something not health related, I get convinced I have a DVT or something, its bizarre). I got to the Hammersmith apollo, bought a load of merchandise and went it. I had an hours wait once I sat but I was really close to the stage. When Kate Bush hit that stage, I realised I probably should not have put eyeliner or mascara on, since I bawled and I couldn't accept I was hearing her live. It was so amazing, so unreal. At one point they brought her out into the audience and I nearly blacked out. It literally was one of the best nights of my life. I can't wait for the DVD.

Work is going really well, I have a few students and they are doing great. I really love teaching though it is so frustrating sometimes. After a failed stage school type venture, I have also started running a community choir and I just look forward to it so much every week. I have a bunch of kids in for exams, I am doing my pop and musical theatre exams, I've started writing my own stuff, my instruments are going really well. I'm just so inspired! I also joined an operatic society and am in my first big musical next week (which is Scrooge). It's exhausting but has been fun. I ran my first concert in July and am doing the next one just before Xmas. It's gonna be great, the last one was really successful so I think this one will go even better as my students are getting better and I am. I have a lot more confidence on the stage. I don't know why, it just kind of happened. I am receiving an award in Dec for being the highest mark for Grade 5 pop in the North East and so it will be competition season!

Lee and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary last month. We went glamping which was really fun. I didn't think I would like it so much but it was awesome!

My degree is ongoing. That is hard work, fitting it round everything but I figure, a bit of slog is worth it. I have taken on a bit much this season but hey, better than having no goals! I also just got my ticket for Neil Diamond today, I have wanted to see him for years but have always missed him but next year is the year! That will be in London so another adventure. My friend is going to come this time so it will be awesome.

I've saved the best for last, the best being my perfect peach. There is so much I could say but I could never do justice by words. He is the sun, the moon and stars and then some. At just over 2, he can count to 15 almost, knows all his animals, colours, opposites, vehicles, shapes, loves to dance, is a sweet little singer, knows who Dolly Parton is(!), is very strong willed and funny, knows his own mind, is affectionate and loving, loves his teddies, loves Timmy Time/In the night garden/Mr Tumble and the Gruffalo and a million other things. He is so funny it hurts sometimes, the stuff he does. I love it when he hides to do a poo, or makes me put CDs on my finger so he can spin them. He is still obsessed with spinning socks, or anything else that spins i.e. washing machine, windmills, wheels etc. so when I found a solar power windmill in London, I had to buy it for him. His little face was amazing! His birthday was great last month when he came in the room and said 'Presents!', gently removed the birthday cards out the way to get to the presents. He had a little tea party and loved it. A week and a half before his birthday he got chickenpox and wasn't a bit of bother. He loves Christmas candles and his new phrase is 'Theo coming!' whenever we go anywhere. His favourite places are Space to Play soft play and Plessey Woods (where we go gruffalo hunting). He has just stopped calling sandwiches 'faringes' (which I loved) and now calls them 'sanwhinges'. He loves his family and has a wicked temper. After CBT and coming off my anxiety tablets, he keeps me a little bit sane and a little bit mad and makes me laugh and smile so much. I could say a million more things but I'm tired.

I wrote this blog because tonight has been the Wave of Light, in memory of all the angel babies. I often feel guilty because I don't grieve that much anymore, mostly because I am so busy. I never forget about Ellie although sometimes, it was so quick it feels like it never happened. I know this is what Ellie would want, all these exciting memories and things to look forward to and looking back on this year, I have done and experienced so much to make me happy that when I think on it, it reminds me how, even in awful times of disease and war and our own personal problems, life can be amazing and everything you want it to be and I am so lucky. I get scared a lot, mostly of anything happening to Theo but we keep him safe and he has the best guardian angel (he loves cuddling Ellie's blanket). ARPKD is a part of who Ellie was and who we are even though we don't suffer the disease but it has also made me who I am now and right now, I'm really happy with that person and this life.

3

Happy 3rd birthday to my fairy princess.

                               The Song of The Forget-me-not Fairy

Where do fairy babies lie
Till they're old enough to fly?
Here's a likely place, I think
'Mid these flowers, blue and pink,
(pink for girls and blue for boys:
Pretty things for babies' toys!
Let us peep now, gently. Why,
Fairy babies, here you lie!

Kicking there, with no one by.
Baby dear, how good you lie!
All alone, but O, you're not -
you could never be - forgot!
O how glad I am I've found you,
With Forget-me-nots around you,
Blue, the colour of the sky!
Fairy baby, Hushaby!
Cicely Mary Barker

Renaissance

Wow. 2014 already?! Really? Well, in just under 2 hours at least.  This year has brought about the growth of my baby into a big boy, the buying of our own house and happiness. It has also brought more loss and sadness too. However, a new blank slate is starting again as we carry our memories forward.

For myself, it is time to get my head in the game. I have quite a few goals, but my big ones are to do well in study, to lose a lot of weight, to get off the antidepressants and combat anxiety, and to be happy and a good wife and mother.  I need a reinvention. Time to dress to impress, to start looking good and feeling it too. Granted, I'm planning on having another baby at some point, not necessarily this year (maybe want to wait a bit) but it's going to be better to be healthy and fit before conception anyway.

My big desire is to shape my work life to be with Theo more, to go swimming, bake cakes, grow plants and all the things toddlers love to do. He is starting to want more attention and to do more things, and I want to do them with him.

Also, Theo loved Xmas this year. He was thoroughly spoilt! It was lovely seeing his happiness at all his new toys. Love my lamb chop and thinking of my other special angel at new year.

Come at us 2014!

Toddler-ville

I really cannot believe it's almost Xmas again! I am SOOOOOO excited haha, like a big kid. Theo won't really understand much but he likes toys so it is going to be really fun.

Theo is the universe to me more and more everyday. He is so funny and smart, I'm so proud he is mine. That is not to say he isn't a monkey though! He has a proper little defiant look when he is is reprimanded! He is getting more affectionate, not only with family and friends, but his cuddly toys too and he even kisses the characters in his stories. His walking is really good and running too, and he can climb up on the chairs (and jump on them too, little bugger!). He says a handful of words, like dog, car, mammy, daddy, grandad, hiya and responds to instructions like clap, or if I tell him to get his book for story time. He loves Mickey mouse and dancing, and still loves to play piano. Yesterday, I think he cottoned on to his reflection for the first time and got really excited about that. He is a ball of 14 month old perfection. You just have to have eyes in the back of your head for when he is dashing up the stairs or grabbing something he shouldn't. I love walking with him as he holds his little hand out to me, and his hand is so small and lovely in mine. He is my peach.

The other man in my life is 38 today and I love him more than ever too. I have spoiled him for Xmas and am so excited to give him (and everyone else) their presents!! I love xmas apart from the obvious exception. I often don't think about Ellie in terms of what actually happened. It's almost as if she is a fictional character in my head sometimes, everything happened so quickly but it has started to creep into my head a lot lately and make me sad but also face things. Maybe a lot of my grief has been repressed and is starting to crack through. My last thing to do is to get her notes from the RVI. I want to read them so it becomes a bit more real. I think it will give me closure. Part of me still can't believe the fact I had a baby and watched her die. I think it has been repressed a lot but I need to just think about it and cry when I need to. I miss her so much. Theo hasn't replaced her, he is a different child so I still need to allow myself the grief to honour my little girl.

Other than being sad for reasons I should be sad, I have been feeling really happy lately and less anxious by far. I am also madly in love with music again, on piano, flute, cello, singing, whatever. I am doing a little bit of teaching which I love, I have a new baby grand piano and lots of possibilities for the future. The anxiety is never gone 100% but it is much more manageable. My job is going OK too but I miss being with Theo a lot more and sales is sometimes a bit intense.

My degree is going well. Music tech is really interesting and a big challenge as it is all new to me. Due an assignment back soon, actually, hope I've done well.

And now, I need to sleep!

I've got a big boy :O

Theo s 1 on Friday 13th Sept! 1!!!! He is all grown up and just so clever and funny. People keep coming into work with tiny babies and making me broody but I love just having one little peach for the minute. He is having a tea party on the sunday with some friends and I have all his presents sorted, they just need wrapping. I know he won't understand much but it will be a lovely day anyway.

It is also the day we sign our mortgage. YAY! It's amazing to know our home is officially ours and we are homeowners. I can't wait to get the place sorted properly, it's taking some time between work but it will get there.

I am loving my job too. I've just been offered the chance to be the main person dealing with Roland (digital pianos/drums/etc) and it's so exciting. It will involve lots of training and trying to sell but it's  new challenge. In between this, I am working towards grade 6 piano, grade 6 flute, grade 8 voice (resit to get a better mark and I'm out of practice) and soon grade 1 cello. I'm also starting to teach my niece piano and singing and have a couple of piano students which is great. Eventually, I'd love to teach and do community/music in schools as my main thing, alongside playing in am dram societys and amateur orchestras. I'm going to take students to festivals as well I think and start doing them again myself. Hopefully, all this music will rub off on Theo!

My CBT is going well and I'm starting to feel a lot better and really motivated. I truly believe Ellie is with me every step of the way. I was playing piano at work and next to me was a little white feather. She must have been listening :).

My open uni module exam happens in Oct and my 2 new modules are starting, German and music tech! I think I'll do really well, as I love both and am fired up.

Been a little bit more teary lately when I mention Ellie and feeling it a little bit more. It might have something to do with Theo's birthday approaching I guess. It is much easier with him here than before but I know the hole will never truly close. I think Ellie is the one sending all the good luck and giving me ambition again to be a good parent to Theo though. Well, that and super snogs from Theo!

On the up

Life seems to be going well! Yay!

The biggest thing is our mortgage is sorted and we now live in our new house. We are still unpacking and sorting but it's looking great and is bigger for us. The garden is small but good for what we need. It's a lovely fresh start and stability for Theo bear. It's actually my dad and step-mum's old house and before that, I grew up in it. I thought it would be strange coming back and it is sort of but actually, I'm really comfortable and my parents are happy over in Spain so all is well that way.

Theo's christening went really well. Everybody said how much they enjoyed themselves. I actually slept from 4pm, the joy of too much vodka but I had a grand old day haha as did everyone and our son was a little stud muffin and a little superstar at the church.

My first CBT counselling appointment is this coming Tuesday. For now I am on anti-anxiety medication but hoping to come off in a few months. I am now working full time which really helps too and it's a job I love in a music shop, selling pianos and musical instruments. I've even taken up the cello! The hardest bit is not being with Theo all the time but we can give him so much with the extra money which is great. Supporting my son and future child is really important to us both.

It nearly Theo's 11 month milestone and 1st birthday :D :(. Mixed feelings. He now imitates things such as 'haha' or waving. He crawl-chases you round the house if you run away from him, he still lies with his mouth open for millions of kisses. He can demolish a biscuit in a minute or two, he can click his tongue (like clip clopping sounds) and he is just a ray of sunshine. He is super happy and I fall more in love every day. He is having a pirate bedroom like a big boy!

Now, having our own house and garden means I can actually make a memorial garden for my little bambi. I want it to be a happy, pretty garden though and hopefully, Theo will help me.

So all in all, things are going well right now. I opened Ellie's box the other day but I was tired and didn't want to get upset. I will probably dig around it on a day off. I really miss her but Theo is like balm for the wound.

Yay, positivity!

In the blink of an eye

It's been a while since I updated, just been so snowed under.

My little rainbow baby is nearly 10 months, what??!! If he wasn't such a funny, loving little character, I would cry but he is hilarious and my little snuggle bum. His personality is just huge and infectious, he is so happy. Right now, he is a little frustrated as he is desperate to get on the move, but despite the fact he will be into everything, it will be easier once he gets going because he won't feel hindered. Theo is now the proud owner of 3 teeth, he is fast becoming a little chatterbox, loves the piano and likes to sit in the big boy seat of the trolley when shopping! He is pulling himself up on things and has a million toys but insists on playing with our keys or phones! He is just my sun, moon, and stars and I can't stop kissing him, to which he always kisses back.

We had our first family holiday in May, the 3 of us plus my sister, which was a nice break. The caravan park wasn't the best but a break is a break and we got to do some good things. Lee, Theo and I are also off to Haggerston Castle in September, up in Berwick.

In myself, I have struggled a lot. There has been a few family members (or family of family members) who have had cancer, 2 out of 3 have died, and so my health anxiety was really triggered, combined with being run down. I am on a waiting list for some cognitive behavioural therapy and asked the doctor to go back on my antidepressants just for a while until I have the CBT and have got back on top of things. Sadly, Lee's gran died too and while it was for a different reason and didn't trigger my health anxiety, actually being involved in funeral planning and things was a real struggle as I ended up having so many flashbacks which for the most part I manage to lock away. Luckily, Theo and Lee are the best medicine ever and I'm feeling much happier. It's really all just been everything at once.

My studies are going so well. I've been thinking I'm not doing as well as I would like but turns out anything over 70% is a first, so actually getting top marks! I was struggling for a while since our PC was down and out but now we have a mac book so I'm back on top just about and determined to succeed.

We are waiting to hear about a mortgage in the next couple of weeks but I'm mostly planning Theo's christening, studying and practising piano. And of course, looking after Theo, which I love. I wish his sister was here to enjoy him but I think, had she been here, he wouldn't be so it's a funny feeling. When Ellie was here, in my belly and out, I knew her because I had grown her but now, I know Theo so much more than I ever knew her. I wonder what she would have been like in terms of personality, and what battles we would be having now at the terrible twos. Most of the time I try not to think too hard. I am also terrified knowing one day soon, in a year or so, we will be thinking about getting pregnant again. So for now, I'm just going to forget.

Poorly baby

Well, for the most part of April, I have had a poorly baba, first with a really bad case of rotavirus and now recovering from cold/teething so, it's been a hard month but at least, unlike some babies, Theo has recovered so I am not too hung up on it.

He is 7 and a half months, I really cannot believe it! We are nearly at the point of sitting unassisted, Theo loves toast (with butter or chocolate philadelphia) and baby crisps, his conversations are great and he will only eat his breakfast if I sing 'Running up that hill' by Kate Bush (as witnessed by my sister!). Good taste in music anyway! We LOVE Kate Bush (well, mammy does!).

I have been doing really well on my open uni degree too which is great. 85% and 75% on 2 different assignments! I have had to rearrange the degree to avoid subjects that will really trigger my health anxiety so half of it will be in Music, but that part will be a challenge but also fun for me. I have a place to go to work from September-ish as a private singing teacher which is really exciting but means I need to brush up on my musicals and get my pop music singing exams done eventually, so I know what happens at them. It's all stuff to focus on though.

Theo will be going on his first holiday soon, to Cayton Bay in Scarborough. We are really looking forward to it. I think he'll love being able to go swimming everyday, we even have him a little wet suit.

Two special friends came back into my life this week, leaving me feeling much happier. They are very important people to me and have been for 10 years now. It was difficult with one, who has not long had a baby girl called, you guessed it, Ellie and I knew she would be worried about how it would be but I miss my baby, not her name. I'm so happy for her, nothing else. And her little one is beautiful, shaping up to be a little character too!

I do feel sad that I don't get time to reflect on Ellie so much, it was so fast that it's still hard to believe she was here but I know she wouldn't want me to waste the time I have with Theo. I'm lucky to have 2 amazing children!

Pause for thought

It's been a while since I wrote. So much has been going on, it's hard to find the time.

We made it through Ellie's 2nd birthday and angelversary without TOO much suffering. It was so much easier with Theo here. Each day I take a step towards being a little bit more 'me', as much as I can be having lost Ellie. It will never be fixed but it is easier now. I often don't have time to think is more the case.

Theo is 6 months this week. Already! He is such a little character, so funny and he is very, very cheeky! He is more intelligent by the day but also incredibly loving, always dishing out the kissies. For the first time on mother's day, he held his arms out for me to pick him up :) He is still little in terms of weight and general size but he is long. His love of his feet knows no bounds right now, he can get them in his mouth and he finds sneezing hilarious! We go to a few baby groups and I have a bit of a social life going on.

Between mothering and being a wife, I'm managing to cram in my degree and my 3 instruments. How, I'm not quite sure. It's tiring to say the least. Sometimes being so busy antagonises the anxiety by running me down, other times it helps I think. Things are a bit uneven now because we moved house not so long ago and I felt really secure in my flat before, but I'm starting to get used to the new house slowly.

Onwards and upwards :)

Papering the cracks

2013 is here already, I can't believe it. Another new year and a positive new start with my 2 gorgeous boys.

Theo is 17 weeks this week. I've blinked and here we are. Once upon a time, I thought he would never get here! Now, he just laughs and smiles at everything, he is hilarious. We've started him with a 4xB routine: bath, boob, book, bed haha. It works, he is out for the count (so is his daddy!). He sneaks into bed at about 4am for a feed and stays tucked up with mammy til morning and when Lee gets up, he opens an eye, snuggles back in and sleeps til 10am, lol.

All my new school books came for my 3 modules for my degree. There is some serious workload. The courses don't begin til Feb 2nd so at least I'm making headway. I'm even exercising and practising piano when I can, with a date night crammed in tomorrow for good measure. It's all a case of so little time, so much to do, which normally helps but I do so well and then my anxiety kicks in. My vision is off again, eye strain from a lot of computer based study, which also causes the headaches. Then I get frightened.

I knew at the time what happened with Ellie was awful. Now, she is almost 2 and I look back and think, it was horrific and traumatic. I remember being physically unable to sleep until I was given sleeping tablets. I remember sitting in a funeral car thinking 'how did I get here?'. And now, I have a beautiful little boy who is my everything and a husband who keeps telling me I can do things and I will be great and not fail and I keep thinking 'when will I not be broken anymore? when will this anxiety go away?' I know I will never be the same person and I don't grieve in the same way as I did, mostly because I won't let myself think too much about that time in hospital, only about Ellie and that she was here. Maybe I need to think about that to get over it. I am happy and I keep getting knocked down by fear and people who say there's no point in worrying don't understand because they haven't got anxiety. It is terrible. I would rather have the flu followed by the norovirus because they go away.

I live my life thinking of how exciting our future is and then freaking out that somehow, the universe is going to knock us down again in some equally horrific way. I'm tired, I just want to be normal. I appreciate in a short space of time, it has gone from being me and Lee to being 3 to being 2 again, then pregnancy then 3 again. I was happy being the 2 of us, even after a while after Ellie, I learned to enjoy just us. Now we have it all bar her and it's like that one missing link to my ability to just not worry about things.

Maybe one day I'll be fixed. At least for now, Theo is here and he is my heart's bandage.

It's nearly here!

Woohoo for Xmas! I still don't feel festive but it will be great anyway, not that Theo will know any different! He just like the lights.

My jubjub has been with my mum today so apart from tidying, I have started my new module, 'Infectious Disease and Public Health'.  It's really intense but mega interesting. It doesn't officially begin until Feb 2nd so hopefully by the time it starts, I will be ahead of the game a fair bit. I'm also working towards a piano exam plus add a 3 month old into the mix so it's important to be organised.

Tomorrow, Theo and I are off to see his Aunty Jess and her kids, who he hasn't yet met and then Monday is Xmas eve! Can't wait for Lee to have a couple of days off next week and just enjoy the week. Even those with their little snidey comments about our parenting and acting as if I have nothing to do with how well our son is turning out can't get me down ('cause I know its a load of shit) because I'm on a high with my two gorgeous men by my side :)!

And the bells were ringing out for Christmas day

Yay, Theo's first Xmas is next week. He has been given presents from loads of people already, they are waiting under the tree! :) I've been singing him lots of Xmas songs which he loves. His little character gets better every day and it's a joy to watch. He loves playing games with his dad and chatting away to him but he's likes my singing better (haha) and when he wants snuggles he looks for his mummy a bit more, especially at night. He loves gallivanting to family's houses too, the little flirt and I can see him really starting to take to his godparents to be, Mel and Marion (don't worry Bev, he will be getting to know you soon and I tell him all about you). The fact that he is already trying to sit up as well is impressive. It will take him a while yet but he's giving it a good go!

Theo is at his Grandad Andy and Grandma Sam's today so I'm just wrapping, tidying, playing piano and chilling out. It is a really horrible day. I'm not feeling so festive this year but I think that will change as he gets bigger and we do more Xmassy things. I know Xmas will be great, we are going to my mum's for dinner and we will be stopping in at my Dad's house as he is home this year. Lee is at work boxing day which isn't great but he gets paid a lot for it so Theo and I will just be going back to my mum's house for the day before we go to my aunty Christine's usual boxing day party. I'm not really planning much for NYE or NY day, they aren't such a big deal to me. I'm sure Lee might go out New Year's day again and I might go for a couple but I just feel like I end up missing out on time with Theo, which is much better than alcohol. I'm bad enough when he goes to family's houses, even though it's nice to have a break and they all want to spend time with him too.

I'm still struggling a bit with Xmas and Ellie not being here but Theo is the best cure for it and we've been talking about her lots while we watch Xmas dvds. I know she will be happy to see how happy he is. For how worried we were about the reality of having a baby, I think Lee and I are doing a pretty good job and hopefully we will get better next year too. It's definately one of my resolutions!